Narcissism in females

[BonneMaman77]

I’ve just read a summary of narcissism in women by Dr Kathleen Saxton. The example symptoms in mothers - guilt, enmeshment and martyrdom - claims of “living for her children”, competes with daughters, infantilises sons.

This exactly describes my mother throughout my memory and even today! I’ve not spoken to her for two months now after her latest act to dent my peace of mind.

The article further says that society resists calling this abuse as it conflicts with idealised notions of motherhood.
This exactly describes why I chose not to have kids because I didn’t think I could “love them the way my mother did” and so would be a bad mother.

At 48 I am feeling so sad to realise what has driven the most excruciating decision I am still trying to reconcile with was avoidable if only we were informed. To some extent now I am beginning to feel angry with my father for knowing this but not doing anything to protect us. But then the culture was different then, but still I a getting angry at my dad who I adored (he has since passed).

I am not looking for anything I suppose, it just is what it is. I wanted to share this only to share what I’ve just learnt during lunch time reading!

My MIL is a covert narcissist, my DH had a poor childhood and she tries to make our life like hell now but to everyone outside of the family she is so kind, church going etc.

sympathies OP, it’s a nightmare

Same here nightmare. If I kick off oh you have a "duty" to me. Yes its difficult. I put in good boundaries but she still rants. They difficult people

There’s a lot in there OP. Just wanted to say I’m sorry for your pain. Remember though. Oscar Wilde wasn’t wrong when he said their are two tragedies in life… the first is not getting what you want and the second is getting it… so if you had, had children you’d have lots of other challenges so key in life is often to accept the good and the bad in the same hand.
Everyone has a right to be angry or to feel resentful too. What’s tricky is being resentful or angry against the right people, to the right extent and for the right reasons.
After a time, and it’s not time limited many come to accept what is. In my view too many these day’s label others. Not saying that’s what it is in this case but in their turn and no excuse, might be your folks and theirs had their own challenges also.
Acceptance if possible can bring peace and peace contentment. Not to say it’s easy to get there but what if can be a head F.

I didn't realise until my dm started being nasty to my teenage daughter. Then I read more and more about it. For me I realised it has affected relationships throughout my life. But yes, the jealousy. My dm has sneered at dd going to uni. It's rubbish there apparently!

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I am so sorry you’re dealing with similar. It’s good to know that I’m not alone, but not good at all that anyone has this in their life.

I didn’t realise they can be cruel to grandkids as well. So she comments on my niece’s weight but never of my nephew’s…I will
keep an eye on this, thanks for that info. How does your daughter respond to her?

I am really hoping the realisation helps me to not feel as guilty when I do respond to her in kind.

My dd will probably not ever visit her without us there. She likes to corner the girls on their own to make bizarre criticisms and put downs. She's not as bad with my nephews but horrible to their girlfriends.

Isn't it strange how you can go decades without knowing what it is exactly. No, you're definitely not alone. There are some great podcasts on Spotify or videos on YouTube. Jerry Wise, Jay Reid, Caroline Strawson I think her name is. Some really supportive things. I was surprised how accurate it was.