Recognising the behaviour, but still falling for it

[Howdo1leave]

I know I need to break up with my emotionally abusive husband. I have another thread up about how I finally told the truth to my friends about him, but am also finding it really, really difficult to actually pull the plug.

We’re apart at the moment (practical reasons) and I’ve been pretty good at limiting contact. Last night, our wedding photographer finally sent the last batch of photos over and I sent him the link, which he replied to with “they look great” - nothing else, not even an exclamation mark.

About an hour later, he sent a video and screenshots of his best man completing an iron man, along with lots of enthusiastic texts (e.g. “omg can you spot X in this video” and “IRON MAN!!!”)

I responded with “I wish you had this much enthusiasm for our wedding photos…” I know I shouldn’t have said that (and probably shouldn’t have even sent him the link) but it’s done now. Anyway, he responded with:
”so typical”
”always aggression from you”
”you’re just angry all the time and constantly looking for confrontation”
”you’re so fucking nasty to me”
”I am so pleased you’re not here”
“You’re going to hate [home we are buying right now] anyway as you can’t even get there” (I’ve failed my driving test several times - I tried really hard but just can’t seem to pass - and I begged and begged him for us to get a property that was accessible by public transport but he refused as he wants to live remote)

i tried explaining (and yes, I know there’s no point) that I was just trying to tell him I was hurt and disappointed, and that he was making me feel like his friends mattered more to him than me (this has been a running theme) to which he replies

”it’s just attack and criticism and I can’t deal with it”

Woke up feeling good today but so sad and deflated now - I don’t know why there’s still this part of me that thinks one day he’ll wake up and love me and care about me but obviously not.

It’s become so clear to me that his strategy is to accuse me of “aggression” whenever I dare express any feelings that aren’t 100% positive, and make me the villain, but I still keep falling for it.

This is by far not one of our worst interactions - he has done things WAY worse than being lukewarm about photos, and his responses can get much nastier than this - but after a week of low contact, it’s really taken the wind out of my sails, and I feel like it just says everything about our relationship.

Oh and I missed:

”you’re doing nothing today and just want to start a fight as you’re bored” - not true that im doing nothing, I’m currently renovating my flat, but he KNOWS this really hurts me as I had to leave my stressful city job due to burnout a while back - it was bad enough that I had to go to residential psychiatric treatment for a month - and I’ve been struggling to get back into the workforce since. One of his favourite insults is “you’re not doing anything with your life” although i am actually desperately trying to get back to work, despite having no support from him, and he knows how much this hurts me.

i am still living on my savings, no money from him despite being married.

Sorry I know I’m just shouting into the void now but it is so frustrating that whenever I try to bring up how I feel, he always turns it into me being “aggressive” and we never, ever, ever actually discuss the root issue - I.e. what he did to hurt me in the first place - only my reaction. In the past I’d often end up apologising and believe him when he said I was being aggressive, but I don’t think I buy it anymore.

You said yourself that you know what you have to do. I'm sorry you're in this situation, he won't change so cut your losses.

You deserve better than this

@Dolamroth thank you.

Use this time to plan your escape. Try and focus on how much better your life will be when you are allowed to have your reactions without being criticised for them. When you can live in peace without someone whispering nastiness in your ear.

This too shall pass ❤️

Can you end it before the house purchase completes? I take it you're recently married (from your comments about the wedding photos). Was your relationship like this before you got married? Sending you strength.

Why did you go through with the wedding if imay ask?
The main example given is a strange one to be honest. But in the end if you aren’t happy then you can end the relationship for any reason you like.
He also sounds stressed. I feel like we aren’t seeing the whole picture somehow.

@SharpWriter yes, relatively recently married. Our relationship has been like this for a long time, but I always brushed it off and made excuses for him - I was very good at living in denial and fully bought into his narrative that everything was my fault - until he became so horrible that even I couldn’t ignore it anymore. This started in the run-up to the wedding but I put it down to stress, only for him to get even worse once we were actually hitched. I wish it hadn’t taken us married for the rose tinted glasses to come off and for me to realise where his priorities truly lie, but here we are.

I’m not feeling this is a marriage made in heaven. You have MH issues over which he isn’t supportive. He is abusive to you in texts - accuses you of being “fucking abusive” when you wanted him to be more enthusiastic about your wedding photos and says ”I am so pleased you’re not here” - hardly the words of a newly wed bridegroom. He is deliberately buying a house you will find it difficult to travel to and from - why does he get to choose, if you don’t want to live remotely? How will this help you to find another job? Are you renovating your flat with a view to selling it - because you need to hang on to it. If things are this bad this early in your marriage, I fear there’s no hope.

@sesquipedalian I know…

I’m renovating with a view to rent, thankfully I’ve agreed to rent to a close friend who knows my situation and is more than happy for us to live together a while or find another place (although I think it would be quite good for me not to be alone at first).

He thinks I either need to get a high-flying job (like the one that burned me out) so I can bring home a lot of money, or stay home and have kids. He doesn’t understand that I’d perhaps like to work and have a career, but one that doesn’t come at the expense of my mental and physical health. For him it’s either or, feels like he is just looking at how I can be “useful” to him, not what is best for me.

It’s hard for me to understand how I even got to a point where I don’t have a say in my own relationship about where we’re going to be living.

It hurts so much that whenever I try to bring up my feelings, he makes it out like I’m being some kind of monster… I don’t think it’s so crazy, or aggressive, to want your husband to be more enthusiastic about your wedding photos than his friend’s iron man!?

Please get out. He sounds awful and it’ll only get worse, particularly if you have children.

As someone else mentioned, can you pull out of the house purchase now before it gets too messy financially?

How long have you been married? Honestly, I'd be seeing a solicitor and getting out of the marriage as soon as possible. He's a really nasty person.

OP, he sounds awful, and from you've said about your relationship, it is not one of mutual love and respect.
Tell him you want to separate. You deserve so much better.
I spent 17 years making excuses and accepting shit behaviour from my stbexh. Don't make the same mistake.

I think it’s about time you put the same energy into finding out why you are still in this relationship. No one is going to rescue you and he isn’t magically turn into someone he isn’t. If you aren’t careful you are going to sleepwalk into a house purchase the same way you did this marriage.

Staying with someone you drags you down is a choice.

Stay in your flat, don’t move out in the sticks, he wants you isolated from everyone and get an annulment.
He doesn’t give a fuck about you, your feelings or your MH, he just wants someone to control and break them down.
You have to care enough about yourself and your life to end it. It doesn’t matter what his reaction is, he can find someone else to bully!

Instead of wasting your emotional energy trying to get him to hear you (he won’t), use it to take care of yourself and get away from this awful man. You will just keep going around in the same circles if you don’t. You can do it, you’ll be ok.

Take it from me.. married 38yrs to similiar person..(who doesn't take responsibility for their behaviour, it's NEVER his fault, and who runs away when you hold him accountable) It doesn't change. You will regret the decision to stay. You will be the scape goat. The only one who needs to change. It's easier to go now then live like this for years and years.

You've said yourself that you need to pull the plug so do it! Stay in your flat and get legal advice asap. Have you jointly bought the house together? Or is it still in the works? If so put a stop to that now. Your example of the wedding photos doesn't sound that bad in itself but it's obviously part of a bigger picture. You've made a mistake marrying this man but it is salvageable if you act now. Go and see a solicitor and start planning your life without him in it.