Has anyone experienced this (male's perspective)

[Overthinker1234]

Hi all,
I’m not usually one to post. I tend to solve things privately or through reading. But I’ve hit something I can’t work through alone.
I’m 32, male, and pretty self-aware when it comes to psychology and relationships. I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years. She’s amazing, a brilliant mum, hardworking, kind, and trustworthy. We live together, and both have children from previous relationships who get along well.
Every year, she takes a 3 to 5 week holiday abroad with her young son (who I adore). She absolutely deserves the break. But each time she goes, I’m hit with growing anxiety and insecurity and I can’t explain it. She’s done nothing to cause concern. I trust her. And yet, I spiral.
I wonder if it’s about other men sexualising her while she’s away, or just my own fear of losing her. Either way, it feels irrational and out of character for me.
I’d never want to project this onto her or make her feel guilty. If I can’t get a handle on this, I’d rather walk away than damage what we have. But I love her and want to be with her. So why does part of me feel like running?
Has anyone experienced anything like this?

I’m female btw.
Maybe you don’t have enough faith or love for yourself.
Do you feel 100% secure in the relationship apart from when she goes away.
Do you trust her
Something is making you feel uneasy for a reason.

It's natural to feel sad and unsettled being apart from the woman you love.

Try not to channel that into paranoia.

Focus on yourself, your kids.

Trust is vital

You’re thinking of breaking off your engagement to a woman you say you love because you can’t get a handle on your own insecurity that ‘other men will be sexualising her’ while she’s on her annual holiday?

I think you’re massively over complicating the simple fact that you miss her when she’s away. Which is pretty normal. It doesn’t need lots of deep thinking and psychological explanations. The idea that you might end the relationship over it is an incredible overreaction.

Just plan lots of activities for when she’s away. Keep yourself busy. When you catch yourself starting to think these paranoid thoughts, acknowledge that you miss her and reframe your thinking.

The simple answer is to keep yourself very busy whilst she’s away.

You miss her, so your brain is coming up with loads of reasons for why you feel uncomfortable.

Because brains do that kind of crap. It’s ok to miss her. It’s ok to feel a deep, empty nagging queasy feeling because someone you love is a long way away.

I do it about my kids- my brain throws up accidents and illnesses to explain my discomfort. Yours is going for her behaviour. Neither are genuine risks.

As PPs said, you just miss her. That’s natural in a happy relationship where you love each other. It doesn’t mean anything’s going to happen or you’re going to lose her. Part of being in a long-term relationship is trusting your partner when you’re not together. Perhaps you could have a chat with her about your feelings, if you haven’t already. Also, use this as a chance to get very busy with your own stuff while she’s away.

Maybe seek some therapy on why this is happening. You talk about walking away rather than spoiling what you have. You mention having children from a previous relationship. We have no idea why that relationship ended but maybe there’s something there that you could explore with a therapist. I confess it also makes me wonder whether you have a bit of a tendency to walk away from emotionally complex or challenging situations rather than stay and try to work through them. There’s no real growth without a bit of discomfort. I may well be completely wrong but it struck me that you’re talking about walking away from a relationship that’s going so well because you’re having to deal with some uncomfortable feelings.

If it's a real problem, may I suggest "Overcoming Jealousy" by Dr Windy Dryden?

This is a you thing not a her thing. No-one secure would be fixating on other men sexualising her or losing her. Have you had an unfaithful partner in the past? Been unfaithful yourself? Or had parents that didn't make you feel secure? Whatever you are projecting this onto your partner.

Leaving her won't solve things as it will follow you into future relationships.

I’m hit with growing anxiety and insecurity and I can’t explain

You are describing the normal feelings of missing her and attributing them them to something more heightened, abnormal

The explanation lies within you. Your real feelings about her absenting herself from your life so regularly and, presumably, with no negative feelings. She is enjoying herself without you and you are what? Resentful, jealous?

If you accept the cause of your feelings is your reactio , not her actions, you should.be able to 'give yourself head a wobble' and stop dwelling, over analysing them

Tldr: you resent her happily absenting herself from your life. Deal with it

Trust your gut.

Do you worry about other men sexualising her when she's in the same country as you, or only when she's on holiday?

OP it sounds like anxiety which is spiralling and causing you to overthink. You have no reason not to trust her and logically you know she's done nothing wrong but your thoughts are taking you down a negative path. l would consider seeking counselling to explore this and and help you manage your insecurities.

It's sad that you're jumping to a very extreme solution such as walking away from the relationship, rather than considering therapy for example, or reading a self help book as suggested above.

There is probably a deeper reason why you're feeling this, and the reason is probably completely unrelated to your girlfriend. This may just be something you have to work on, because it's not just going to disappear if you break up with her. It will follow you in every relationship you will ever have.

When anxiety takes over, you're not just afraid of something happening to you. Life sucks and anything can happen. Doesn't mean it will. The fear is telling you that yes, this could happen, but more so: you can't handle it if it does.
That's what gets to you. The fact that you don't know how to overcome a painful or negative thing that might happen.

Freeing yourself of fear is growing your own confidence. You can overcome bad things that happen to you. You don't need to control the world to prevent bad things from happening. You just live in it and deal with the things that come your way, good or bad.

Yeah, this.

i'm going to take a slightly different angle on this.

op - does your fiancee do much without you generally, week to week?
does she go out with friends, have a social life other than with you?

if she does, and you don't experience these same feelings, then it would be interesting to understand why this particularly is different - is it the distance, or the time?

i ask because it might be possible that another person in your position feels anxious, because they are not able to control this situation - consciously or unconsciously.

but when their fiance is at home, they can exert more control over the situation, actively or passively, so can minimise or remove any anxiety and discomfort.

what i'm getting at, is that in this case, the fiance might have adjusted her normal behaviours to pacify, which is not necessarily a healthy dynamic.

your self-reflection i guess makes it less likely this is the case in your situation, but not impossible.

Sounds like CPTSD to me. Something from your past childhood triggers you.
Therapy is the answer

It's a long time for her to go away each year. Surely there's a plan for this time to become shared in the future? I would understand someone feeling like they didn't know a part of their partner if they went off for so long to be free and always without them. She's doing nothing wrong but if that's most of her leave and you're there for the humdrum I can understand if you're worried there's a part of her you don't know, or perhaps can't satisfy. I'm not saying it's the case but I would understand the feelings if there is an absence of shared time together that's also special.

I agree that you would find it enlightening to discuss these feelings with a therapist.

As a woman I find it odd that she goes alone for so long abroad. Lol I struggle with the 3 days away I do once a year with friends as adore my hubby , prefer when we all away together as a family having fun. I actually don't know any of our married friends or family who do that for such a long time either tbh

Well yeah you will feel insecure if she's going away for 5 weeks at a time on holiday without you...

Well other men could be 'sexualising' her at the self service queue at Lidl. That's something you definitely need to get over.

Just try and fill your time with your own hobbies, your mates, doing stuff you need to do for life admin, exploring some new places, catching up with reading or starting a DIY project? Make the most of your time when she's away.

It's not healthy to be so dependent on your partner that you don't know what to do with yourself when they're not around.

People need separate as well as shared existence in a relationship. Otherwise it would be too stifling. And you're doing yourself a disservice by not learning how to entertain yourself.

WITH her young son.

3-5 weeks is an awfully long holiday! Is she staying with family/friends? Do you worry her love for them/her country of origin or whatever is there for her is going to draw her back?

That's irrelevant to the point I was making. You are obviously thinking I am implying she's going on a shagging holiday. The actual point I am making is that most people in healthy relationships do not leave their partner for 5 weeks at a time.