Stay in a loveless but not unhappy relationship....

[Olderaussieguy]

Hi all - sorry im not a mum but lots of googling kept sending me back here lol so thought id ask for feedback. Im 47, parter of 13 years is 50. 2 kids, 6 and 10. She is not in love with me anymore. She's the first to say im a good man, good father etc etc and i still love her. We still hang out together, do most things together, parent well together and maintain the house together. We live in a regional area with limited rentals available and all expensive and the kids are settled in school. We sleep in the same bed but to affection or intimacy (she is not interested and states its not just with me she has no interest at all and i belive her) but will play board games and talk for hours - no arguments, no abuse either way, no control issues. SO - is it worth moving out for the sake of moving out, being lonely and broke (both of us) and disrupting the kids, probably no intimacy with anyone else anyway between co parenting, work etc etc and just remain content (ish) and support each other and the kids? I do miss affection but could probably live without it.......... Thoughts please.

EDIT - supposed to read OR jut remain content (ish) (and stay where we are) - couldn't find a feature to edit the post.

What does she say when you ask her?

She's more the one that has proposed it - sorry should have mentioned that. She's just starting back in the workforce and the flexibility of having me there is helpful for her as well. Again we dont have any major issues - a little awkwardness come bedtime it feels. We would probably be content in separate rooms but we dont have a spare :). People tell me go and find someone who will love you etc - that feels like hard work these days especially whilst co parenting as well!!

If she's suggesting you break up then I'd be inclined to accept. What else can you do?

Or is she asking if you want to break up? I think the answer would lie in what you want from life. Some people are content with remaining single in which case your set up seems reasonable. If you're feeling unloved however then it would be better to go it alone.

Cheers - we are already separated under the same roof - the main question is it is worth maintaining this and accepting content "roommates" with mutual support and shared parenting and finances (to a degree - we are slowly splitting finances), accepting the platonic relationship and acknowledge that i still love her but accept there is no physical relationship or move out, try and start again - considering child support will come into play, additional rent and so - we could just financially manage but nobody will get ahead... Is tough so thought id get feedback from others - i dont generally reach out - its a guy thing :)

Are you content with remaining single for the rest of your life and is she?

Thats the hard part isn't it - who's to say you wont stay single anyway - im a fit healthy,active bloke but i live in a small community a fair way from anywhere, work full time and am active with the kids so is there time and availability to develop a relationship anyway. i guess thats partially what im trying to weigh up - wont deny there is also the hope she will find her way through (what is suspect is menopause and long term post natal depression) and life could be great - maybe wishful thinking...

Its a tough one. Some people wait until the children are older and just rub along like housemates. Not sure what the answer is here.
You seem to get along okay as friends, so it sounds not too bad at home for the time being. Its tougher these days to find someone new, as you say. You talk about rentals so there's no money tied up in a house presumably? Is there no hope for reigniting the relationship between you? Sounds like there's no other 3rd parties involved which makes things less complicated for now at least.

Thankyou - there is some money in the house - maybe a couple of hundred thousand but she's not in a position to buy me out and whilst i could buy her out (if we refinanced in my name) she wouldn't have enough to buy again and the rental market would drain her wish isnt good for her or the kids. Selling the house would mean everyone relocating elsewhere - ideally near each other for the kids sake.. Tough days but definitely things aren't bad at home, were both good people and want the best for each other. Im very certain there is no other parties involved (definitely not on my side and if there is for her im not sure when because outside of local activities we have on our own we are home!

I get that but in terms of potential that's how you have to look at it.

If you stay in this situation you will need to remain single. If you don't stay in this situation there's potential for you to find somebody.

Would she agree to staying in the marriage with the caveat that you can look for someone else on side ? Would that satisfy you?
I think the point above is very valid - it depends on what you want from life. If you're gonna be single anyway then staying in the marriage is fine - you are not lying to her and she was quite open about her feelings. If however, you want to have another relationship (it's not too late), then parting your ways is a better option. Remember, you are teaching your kids what a relationship looks like.

Thanks for the reply. I am concious of the teaching the kids aspect, but all they see is mum and dad happy enough, playing games together and with them, talking friendly and civil, they dont see affection to each other but they do to them and im not sure they would notice the lack of between the parents... i dont think i could the side piece (not to mention finding one lol) out of respect for her - she would probably accept that but i think it would be better to leave outright if that was a condition, great concept though.

It’s a tough one as you get along well, so guess it’s not going to impact the DC if you stay together for a few years in the same home, but separated. That doesn’t mean you can’t start a relationship (away from the home of course) if the opportunity came up. I left when I split with my ex, and whilst we are friends now, we weren’t when we split and it was a horrible atmosphere to live in. He bought me out and i’ve rented the last 15yrs we have split. We live in the SE so i’m waiting to move back to my native north west next year when my youngest goes to uni.

Yeah not ideal i’ve had to rent, but that’s the reality when you split and can’t afford a mortgage on your own. What does your wife say / think? If she prepared to move to a rental and you buy her out? Or is she expecting you to continue as you are until the DC grow up? I’ve sacrificed relationships since we split, only recently started to date in last couple of years, but nothing the kids know about. I wanted to prioritise them and their education (hence staying in the SE renting as they were in an excellent school). I don’t regret that, but what I will say, is the years go by quickly and before you know it you might realise you’ve wasted the best years in this situation. Maybe a second job when you don’t have the kids could help you have a decent enough income to live off. I’d think very carefully about just rubbing along long term. All the best.

Thankyou for the reply.
Money isnt a major issue for me - i earn enough and would support the kids as needed but for her it will be a lot harder, although child support would cover her bills probabaly - There is the lack of neaby rentals which is an issue for us too. We have looked at a rental where we "nest" ie kids stay in the main house and we go week about in the rental however realised that to support the kids and each others jobs we would be back and forth anyway to the main house on our "week off" and thought we would be better off saving the $500 per week in rent... The more comments i get and the more i read i do feel i want a more meaningful relationship... Maybe we will see the year out and xmas holidays (8 or so week here in Australia off over xmas!), save madly until then and then work out the move.....

i would say don't split up, for now. You'd be financially far worse off. It would distress the children. There are large, important aspects of your life together which aren't broke so don't fix them.

I'd just focus on strengthening what's already good and working towards breaking what is broken. You need some honest conversations about sex and physical affection. You shouldn't have to live without it. She may have lost all desire - which is a common menopause issue. Maybe HRT would help. But does that have to mean zero physical affection? Hugs, massages, just being snuggled up together on the sofa?

Would it be worth discussing opening up your marriage so you could find someone who is not looking for a full time relationship but does want a sexual one?

I can't see this working long term OP. You are muddling along now but you may grow to feel resentful about the lack of intimacy. It's hard being in a relationship where one person still has feelings but the other hasn't.
Being good friends and parents is OK but she's set the boundaries here. Also not to have any affection at all between you is not good for your children to see as they grow up.
I would consider buying her out if you possibly can or else as you are no more than housemates discuss opening up the relationship so you can have at least have some physical affection in your life.