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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me some tips on how to stop seeing this man...

24 replies

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 00:49

Before he gets under my skin any more.

I have no idea how it happened. He's younger than me and barely speaks a word of English. It was meant to be a fun thing and I have coped with casual before so I have no idea what buttons he has managed to push.

He says he loves me - obviously not true. My intuition tells me that I will end up getting very hurt by this and I have mental health issues already and can't cope.

So how do I make myself have the strength to stop seeing him? I feel intoxicated. I had no idea it would become like this but really he is totally inappropriate for me

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 28/05/2008 00:51

Well if you feel like that then maybe just tell him it's over and cut all contact? Delete his number etc.?

I don't know, I'm rubbish with men so ignore my adivce. someone wise will be along shortly to help I'm sure.

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 00:52

sorry - it sounds pathetic I know but thinking others must have been in this position - how did you distract yourself?

OP posts:

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 00:53

yes OMDB I should do that

OP posts:

madamez · 28/05/2008 00:58

Remember that intuition can be complete bullshit. Why not enjoy him for what and who he is.
Mind you, there are certain danger signs you don't need intuition for: is he insulting to you? Showing any tendency towards violence? BOrrowing money? Trying to conttrol who you communicate with?
Not wishing to insult the chap or you, just wondering what makes you so sure it will go horribly wrong. Because your post as it stands suggests that you are going to deny yourself something enjoyable (this man's company/charm/willy) because it might go wrong: why not enjoy it while it's good and stop it when it stops being good?

DirtySexyMummy · 28/05/2008 01:02

Have you fallen for him? Is that the problem? If it is then listen to Madamez.

what makes him inappropriate? How is there such a thing as inappropriate?

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 01:10

Well he smokes weed all the time.....I guess that would be a start. And yes I have but I don't see how I could ever have a conversation with him about it. I'm also worried about his age because he told me he's 22 (I'm 27) but his email address has 87 tacked on to the end of it...

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 28/05/2008 01:35

If the weed thing really bothers you that much, then it won't work out between you.

Do you really care that much? Is it the smoking, or the weed?

Surely if he was 19 you would be able to tell? Have to add - I am a firm believer that age does not matter.

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 01:41

He looks in 20s but I look young for my age, therefore I attract younger men anyway. The weed thing doesn't bother me - I have no right to suggest he stops but I have children and tbh I don't see him as the kind of guy who would be a good influence on that basis.

At first I thought it would be casual, like the other flings I've had. But now I realise that as I've kind of fallen for him that puts me in a position where I could get hurt.

OP posts:

solo · 28/05/2008 01:53

If he's a 1987 baby, then he'll be 21, not 19...Mind you, I never was very good at maths.

madamez · 28/05/2008 01:53

Well if he is visiting you regularly then it's not unreasonable for you to ask him not to smoke weed in your house around your DC.
With regard to the rest of it, this is a way it might help to look at it.
You stop seeing a man who is nice, entertaining and a good shag (well I assume all that is true otherwise why would you be bothering at all). This makes you and presumably him cross and miserable. To no purpose.
Or you continue seeing your nice, entertaining, good shag of a man. And maybe at some point in the near or distant future one of you has had enough and you stop seeing one another. WHich may make one or both of you cross and miserable, to be sure, but you will have had some good times and some good shags before that happened. SO really on balance it makes more sense to keep on enjoying times with him until something actually happens that means you are no longer available to one another, because you can't have too many happy memories in this life.

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 01:54

Yes, I'm wrong but he would be 20 because he said his birthday is in December.

OP posts:

Mhamai · 28/05/2008 01:56

Agree with you 100% Madamez.

hls · 28/05/2008 08:38

The advice of madamez is okay- IF you don't have emotions!

Are you saying you want to stop seeing this man because you know deep down it cannot work- and you are looking for more commitment?

If so, then the question you have to ask is- would you feel more hurt having to end it later rather than now?

I know some people will disagree, but there are very few women who can separate emotions and sex ( if you can that's fine, for you)in the way that men can. We are programmed biologically to connect commitment and staying ability with sex/reproduction. This is because we need the man to stick around to go and hunt for food, for us and the baby. (Waits for screams of disagreement from some MNS )

So- are you saying this relationship is doomed from the start and that you want out now before you get more attached? In that case, just don't phone him, don't reply to texts, and/or tell him you have had 2nd thoughts about it and it's not right for you now.

Keep reminding yourself of all his bad points and that might help!

madamez · 28/05/2008 10:04

To be fair, there's a key question here: have you discussed with this man whether or not he is having sex with anyone else/whether or not you are? Because for many people a 'casual' relationship means one that is not sexually exclusive, and if this bothers you, it needs addressing. That's the only reason I can think of to stop seeing someone you like: if you are monogamous by nature and can;t cope with a sexual relationship which is not exclusive then it's better not to have relationships with people who are not interested in monogamy (trying to coax, force or sexually entice someone into monogamy when that person isn;t keen is unworkable and frankly unethical).

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 12:38

I am seeing someone else as well. I don't know about him. The other guy I'm seeing I kind of put on the back burner because I like this one more which is what made me think I obviously like him a lot. Usually I'm not bothered about monogamy but maybe that will change the more into him I get. I get the feeling he wouldn't like me to be seeing anyone else though.

However, the problem is that it would be virtually impossible to discuss it with him because his English is really basic.

OP posts:

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 13:00

I suppose what bothers me most is that if you decide to have a relationship with somebody, it means that you must be available to them for a reasonable amount of your free time. And if it comes to an end it is something you have to grieve over / feel bad about...

And wrt monogamy, even if you do both agree that's what you want there is never any guarantee that the other person will stick to it, especially when they speak a different language, and have a different cultural background which I have no insight into (he's italian)

OP posts:

madamez · 28/05/2008 13:29

Eeelectra, I really do think you are getting in a bit of a tizzy over nothing. For one thing if you don't speak the same language as this bloke and your communications are confined to 'Faster! Harder! NNNGGGHHHHHH' then you don't really know anything about him, so what you think you are falling for is just a projection anyway. Never mind about what society or other people think a relationship 'should' be, treat the other person with kindness and courtesy and enjoy it while it lasts.

Mhamai · 28/05/2008 15:38

hls, I'm sorry but how is madamez impyling no emotions? She states entertaining and nice. Plenty of emotion and common sense there imho.

Original poster

eeeelectra · 28/05/2008 16:40

Yes madamez, you're absolutely right. Actually, I have figured out what the problem is. And that is that usually I have a rule where if I am seeing someone who is not very compatible with me I only see them once a week. But I have broken that rule with this one because he got tetchy about it. Soooooooo, yes I have fallen for a projection and now need to tell myself that it simply isn't rational because I don't know him at all.

OP posts:

Kally · 05/06/2008 22:15

I met a younger guy too. 11 years younger to be exact. We met on the i'net and after lots of chat and stuff, months of it, we decided to meet. I was reluctant because of the age difference (preferred older guys - or my age I'm 50). So we met. I was still reluctant altho I found him extremely attractive (he's black and I didn't know that either till I met him). The evening went really well and as we parted he pulled me for a kiss and I was knocked off my feet. Felt like you do now. Well, its a year later and we are going strong and he is absolutely lovely. He's educated, intelligent handsome, caring, devoted and loyal and all I ever wanted in a person. after 26 years of crappy marriage ... it payback time!!! Enjoy it!!! Just let yourself enjoy the now!!! I am and I know I will never regret it. We are even talking about living together, he's brought his little boy (whom he is raising alone) to us. It feel right and good and he's a lovely man. Its not damned because its good... Just relax and enjoy it. Good luck!

Kally · 05/06/2008 22:16

I met a younger guy too. 11 years younger to be exact. We met on the i'net and after lots of chat and stuff, months of it, we decided to meet. I was reluctant because of the age difference (preferred older guys - or my age I'm 50). So we met. I was still reluctant altho I found him extremely attractive (he's black and I didn't know that either till I met him). The evening went really well and as we parted he pulled me for a kiss and I was knocked off my feet. Felt like you do now. Well, its a year later and we are going strong and he is absolutely lovely. He's educated, intelligent handsome, caring, devoted and loyal and all I ever wanted in a person. after 26 years of crappy marriage ... it payback time!!! Enjoy it!!! Just let yourself enjoy the now!!! I am and I know I will never regret it. We are even talking about living together, he's brought his little boy (whom he is raising alone) to us. It feels right and good and he's a lovely man. Its not damned because its good... Just relax and enjoy it. Good luck!

Kally · 05/06/2008 22:16

I met a younger guy too. 11 years younger to be exact. We met on the i'net and after lots of chat and stuff, months of it, we decided to meet. I was reluctant because of the age difference (preferred older guys - or my age I'm 50). So we met. I was still reluctant altho I found him extremely attractive (he's black and I didn't know that either till I met him). The evening went really well and as we parted he pulled me for a kiss and I was knocked off my feet. Felt like you do now. Well, its a year later and we are going strong and he is absolutely lovely. He's educated, intelligent handsome, caring, devoted and loyal and all I ever wanted in a person. after 26 years of crappy marriage ... it payback time!!! Enjoy it!!! Just let yourself enjoy the now!!! I am and I know I will never regret it. We are even talking about living together, he's brought his little boy (whom he is raising alone) to us. It feels right and good and he's a lovely man. Its not damned because its good... Just relax and enjoy it. Good luck!

Kally · 05/06/2008 22:20

Shit! new on here, sorry....

Chandon · 06/06/2008 14:25

ooooo. I once fell for an Italian, he was 23 and turned out to have a fiancee back in Italy.

He was also unfaithful, and said that with Italian men, that´s in their blood.

I have other Italian male friends, and they all have affairs...not apologetic about it either, they say all men would if they could

not sure this helps

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