Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure if this is the right place for this but....

14 replies

Haribosmum · 27/05/2008 23:46

This is really hard for me to write and I'm struggling to find to words to express myself properly but here it goes?..I was diagnosed with PND after DS2 was born in Dec 06. I have been on and off AD's and have been off them now for about 5 months. Things had been going great and I was feeling much better but then MIL moved in with us and things have gone downhill with my relationship since then. DH is such a Mummys boy and I know he loves me but I really feel he would pick her over me anyday. She invited herself to live with us and I let it go because a)she was seeing someone so I thought she'd be at his house a lot b)she was looking for a house with her boyfriend and c) she said it would only be for 6 months. Well 6 months is coming up now and she's showing no signs of moving. She's split up with this guy (it was never really that serious I don't think) and really has made it so she can't afford to get her own place. I have expressed my unhappiness to my DH and he just tells me to 'get over it'. I have asked him to speak to her about the situation and he's too much of a wimp to have the conversation (I would but I've been made out to be a bitch already by her ? I'll explain later). She's told her daughter she's living here FOREVER!! So that's moan number one.

Moan number two is the fact that my MIL is constantly telling people things about me that aren't true. She left her email account logged in one day and so I had a look at her sent mail (naughty I know but I already had my suspicions) and some of the things she has said about me are complete fabrications! It hurts me that she would be so two-faced and say this stuff about me  It's got to the point where I can't do right for doing wrong with her and now my SIL's have joined in with her.

Moan three is I told my husband how unhappy I was atm and he was so snappy with me. Even he thinks I'm just being bitchy for the sake of it. An example of this is it's his birthday in a couple of weeks and I booked a surprise meal for us but his sisters arranged a meal for just them, him and MIL (it's her b-day the day before his) on the same night. Didn't ring me to see if I had anything planned, didn't invite me along. So now I'm being difficult apparently??

My other issue is more about me. I don't think I love my kids like I should do. I have already been made to feel like the worlds worst parent but I really don't want to speand any time alone with them or do anything like get them bathed. Don't get me wrong I do love them and would die for them but I just don't feel the need to care for them. Is this still the PND or am I just a last cow like everyone says?

OP posts:
littlewoman · 28/05/2008 00:41

No, you're not a lazy cow. I know exactly how you feel with regard to the children. It very possibly is the depression. I would say so. Please don't take that guilt on your shoulders, you have enough to worry about.

Does MIL ever do anything like bath the kids to earn her keep, so to speak?

Haribosmum · 28/05/2008 02:46

Yeah she's great with the kids. But in a way that makes me feel more isolated, like it doesn't really matter if I'm here or not.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 28/05/2008 08:09

The situation with the MIL sounds very hard.

Which birthday dinner did your DH go to? Weird that they did a birthday dinner for MIL without you.

You do sound depressed, to me, but that isn't all that's going on - to have your MIL living with you, apparently indefinately, when you never agreed to that, would annoy everyone. And you're being told that you're not allowed to be annoyed!

littlewoman · 28/05/2008 12:14

Sounds like you (or at least your opinions) are being squeezed out of your own home.
This is a very difficult situation, but you really need to get dh to see your pov. Even if he doesn't feel the way you do, he needs to understand that your opinion is just as valid as his. You are his partner, not a child who has to do as she is told.

Would he want your mother there indefinitely?
(Not meant to be a slur on your mum, btw).

dizzydixies · 28/05/2008 12:20

they didn't invite you along for family birthday meals and you're being unreasonable

you've been more than tolerant frankly

your husbands first concern should be the health and well being of you and your kids, not his farking mothers

time for her to move on so you can concentrace on your continued mental health wellbeing and for him to grow a pair and show her the door

sorry but dh has to choose, his wife or mother end - he apparently can't keep the peace and make both of you happy at the same time so its time to fulfill his commitment to you

and don't feel bad about her being great with the kids - she's their granny ffs, its her job to be

Baffy · 28/05/2008 12:20

How awful. There is only room for 2 adults in a marriage and your MIL needs to leave.

She's making you feel inadequate at a time when you need all the love and support you can possibly get.

I'm afraid your husband needs to make a choice. Which one of you does he want as his wife?!

I'm not being flippant. I know it's never that straight forward. But I do think that is the root of the problem.

dizzydixies · 28/05/2008 12:23

well said baffy I kind of ranted on a bit sorry

expatinscotland · 28/05/2008 12:24

Wow, he's lucky he isn't married to me.

Because he wouldn't be anymore.

First thing first, see the GP.

You may need to go back on ADs.

Get a referral for some counselling.

You need to get help with your self-esteem so you can STOP finding behaviour like your MILs and H's acceptable, because it isn't.

Then I would say ditch him and his mother.

He won't make a choice.

So you need to get the self-esteem to make it for yourself and your kids.

YOU are their mother, not her.

Baffy · 28/05/2008 12:36

thanks dizzy

and I totally agree with expat that's really good practical advice

deckchair · 28/05/2008 14:51

Oh, i am shocked to hear this. There is never enough room for 3 in a relationship. IMO, it sounds like your mil deliberately moved in, knowing she wasnt going to leave.
But, you need to get yourself Ok first before you tackle your dh and mil. Expat offers some sound advice; you need to put yourself and your dc first.
The birthday scenario has left me

izyboy · 28/05/2008 15:07

I don't normally post but am concerned for you. Is it possible that she could have a 'holiday' at the SILs houses for a bit - seeing as they are so friendly. Start by gently suggesting it and then increase the encouragement by increments. Would be ineresting to note whether they will be as accommodating as you have been. Hey who knows, if they all enjoy the experience perhaps it can be made permanent.

paros · 28/05/2008 15:40

I normally put this site up to show women that they are not alone BUT GET ON THIS SITE NOW YOU NEED STRONG ADVICE AND SUPPORT

Haribosmum · 28/05/2008 21:26

Wow! It's so nice hearing that otherv people agree with me! I don't feel quite as mad now! Yes I have considered leaving him but we have kids and I honestly am not that brave as to say 'I've had enough - I'm leaving'. It took me all my time to tell him I was unhappy and that was in the middle of an argument. I have been messaging his sister in Facebook because I find it easier to say what I mean that way and according to her I should have told them I had something planned and I lack communication skills for not doing so . I'll try and get into the doctors tonight I think...(I'm in NZ by the way so it's morning here) Thanks for your support

OP posts:
Haribosmum · 28/05/2008 21:31

Oh and I'ld like to point out my DH doesn't think I'm depressed anymore - I don't think he did to begin with anyway.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread