Is it normal for values to not be shared after a while?

[EdgyCrow]

In almost every aspect, I have a happy marriage. We are raising two young children generally well together. Respectful, have mutual interests, he is extremely caring, generous and loyal. Recently I have been worried that we don't agree on lots of worldly things. If we discuss politics, world events etc. We seem to disagree quite strongly. I sometimes feel sad that I am not with someone I align with on these things but generally we avoid these subjects and have a lovely life. Is this what happens when people meet young and haven't really thrashed out these issues before embarking on life together or should I be worried that we are incompatiable?!

My parents had a list of topics that they Did Not Discuss. They have been married for over 50 years now.

Ironically they met as they were both student activists in the late 60s. You would think that they would agree on stuff!

People can change. Someone I know used to be called a commie as he had strong socialist views and now he'd give Farage a run for his money.

As long as your values align, that's what's important.

If you see eye-to-eye on the things you both have direct influence over, then I'd say disagreement over things on which you have no direct influence isn't serious. I have a theory that any two people, no matter how well they know each other, no matter how similar their backgrounds or overall attitude to life, will have subjects on which they radically disagree. It's just a theory, but it stands comparison with reality (unless - oh, irony! - you disagree with that.)

As @Mumofteenandtween suggests, it's fine to have things you don't discuss.

If depends how divergent his views are as to whether its an issue but people do change - seems you haven't changed together

I think it’s more of a problem if your personal values don’t align.

The underlying values are the important thing.

I could be with someone who worried about the effects of immigration and wanted nuance and discussion, while accepting that many of the causes of immigration were caused by colonialism, and that culture is difficult to change and this affects everything from women's rights to pensions.

I couldn't be with someone standing outside an immigrants' hotel screaming with spit flecked, drunk rage.

Are his underlying values good? Are yours?

I think it depends on how far gone he is. I couldn't be with someone who watched GB news for hours and swallowed it all whole, but if they dipped into it and had thoughtful discussion from it, that would be (just about) fine.

I suppose I might just about tolerate a husband who voted for Brexit. But political views are important to me, and maybe they aren't to you. If you agree on parenting and how to spend your money that's pretty big.

I think it depends on how much you care about the issues you disagree on.

A silly example, DH doesn't like fancy meals out and fancy restaurants. He thinks it's all a bit pretentious and a waste of money. I love fancy restaurants and meals out. Neither of us cares enough about this that it impacts our relationship - I go to fancy restaurants with other people and he rolls his eyes a little internally that this is fun for me.

On the other hand, for issues like transmen in women's spaces or the importance of supporting people who are disadvantaged by financial restrictions, background etc or Brexit, these are really really important things to me and I couldn't be with a man who didnt' feel the same way.

There are other things that DH and I don't necessarily agree with eah other that aren't a big deal for either of us, but might be for someone else. For example, I knew someone who, eventually, her deal breaker was that her then-DP was absolutely 100% convinced that only private school was good enough and that a) no children of his would go to state school and b) that people who did go to state school were massively disadvantaged. She went to private school herself but she just couldn't cope with the mindset after a while and the relationship ended. But I know lots of coouples where one feels strongly for/against private school and the other one disagrees but doesn't think it's a big enough deal to cause a ruckus over.

I think it's more important to be aligned on things that impact your daily life eg how you raise your children (parenting style), splitting of domestic chores, managing money as a family, expectation in terms of your romantic relationship etc...

I think you can disagree on things like politics etc... and if it causes arguments then just don't talk about it! Sometimes though, I think a bit of healthy debate and challenging each other's views can be a healthy thing (and sometimes even fun!).

My dh and I can be quite different in how we view 'world issues' but we're aligned on family values, finances, how we want our marriage to be etc... We also have very different interests, but despite that, we can always find something to talk about, so again, it doesn't bother me. I don't expect him to be my all singing, all dancing, life companion for all occasions. I have friends and family who, between them and him, meet all my intellectual and emotional needs.

I nearly wrote a thread on this today
I'm having huge arguments with my DH who is a corbin supporter
Which just baffles me completely,I think his head is up his arse
It's making me think I don't know or like my husband

I can see my marriage going this way .
A list of subjects we can't discuss

In my experience with Corbin supportsers, it's not so much their support for Corbin as it is their attitude that everyone else is really stupid? Theres a sort of whiff of the conspiracy theory "sheeple" attitude to Corbin supporters I find. I quite liked Theresa May (bizarre as not my usual political type) and DH didn't. But I didn't go around telling him he was batshit for not liking her or implying that he was brainwashed for not liking her. Vs Corbin supporters....

I think you may be conflating values with political positions. They are different. Reasonable and ethical people may both agree that children shouldn't be bombed and starved, but one person may blame Hamas and the other blame Israel. My bff and I both believe that surrogacy risks exploitation of women. Her solution is surrogate mothers should be paid (she's actually an attorney who represents surrogate mothers in the States and I do unpaid work to ban it here, so we are on opposite sides in a very literal sense). We both want what's best for the surrogate mother, even though we have VERY different ideas of what that is.

Those are the 2 most simplistic differences I can come up with, but it may be that you two have different solutions to circumstances outside your life, not that your values are unaligned.

To have a successful life as friends, partners or family, no two people will agree on all approaches. I would look at your day to day life and if you agree on raising your kids and building your life, let the other, external stuff go. I'm middle aged and my own politics have evolved, so will yours and his.

Please don't go down the 'my way or you're a nazi' approach that is so popular these days.

Men and DH’s values align on pretty much everything.

I couldn’t be with someone with different political or social opinions to me. I find that l don’t have much in common with people who vote differently to me.

Yes
He thinks because I am worrying about immigration I've been brainwashed by the far right ,and that I'm stupid .

You'd have to wait a long time to find someone who agreed with you about everything Op. As long as you can agree on the real dealbreakers then it's fine to hold different opinions, it's having respect for the other person's views that's important. @Tired43 husband thinking she's stupid and has been brainwashed is a perfect example of not respecting your partner's views.