Hi DRESSMEUP, reading your post brought back some familiar feelings for me although i am on the other side and classed as the "other woman" me and dp have been together 11yrs but he was previously married with 2 children they were married 2yrs and his dc where 2 and 3 when they seperated, although it was nothing to do with me (we met months after) i was harrassed and treated really badly by her,her fam and friends and was accused of alsorts but i just held my head high and got on with things as i knew i was not the blame of their marital problems.
I never interfered or opened my mouth about his ex or dc in any way and after about 8 mths she started letting them come and stay at weekends and i formed a really fantastic relationship with their dc but she was the one who would ask them Qs abouts us and our lifestyle then call him up and rant about different things we would do. I always had a rule of never speaking bad about the dcs mother and told dp off if he ever said something bad in front of them this went on for years and she flited from home to home and man to man while we took on their 2 kids full time (we by then had 2dc of our own) when her life fell apart me and dp where the ones who went and collected her through the night and moved her stuff out of exes houses etc...she is now finally settled with a good guy and 2 new babies and steady home and has the older dcs back but it took a long time to get to this situation, you have to learn how to keep your mouth shut and scream into a pillow and rise above petty games.. me and dps ex are now after years of aarrrggghhh have become FRIENDS of sorts which neither our familys understand be we both do and thats what matters!
I took all her wedding photos, me & dp helped them move into new home,i am the one who sat and medieated how her and her eldest would work out there differences when the were going though a bad spell,they spent bonfire night and new year at our house and we often invite them to occasions i looked after her and her new partners dc while she was in labour with her new baby!and whenever there are problems its often me she will call or come to for help.
Dont get me wrong we still clash on things but we can talk them out now and we stand together on how to discipline the dc so they dont play us off each other, life is so much better now we get along and we can talk our differnces out.And i am happy for dp to meet her and talk about the kids or go to parents meetings at school together.
Sorry about this long boring post but what i'm really trying to say is that yes you can def be friends with your ex husband but only if you both have truely moved on ,if you are happy that he has moved on is living with another woman then i would say if you and her could meet you may find a common ground, it may make things easier,and agree that when it comes to your dc you and your ex need to communicate and you should only let her be a part of your childrens life is she can agree not to Q them about you and only to talk about you in a positive way(i know it is easier said than done but if she has any self respect she would agree after all it would mean an easier life for her also).
I really hope you sort out your problems. Can i just also add that reading this back it sounds like i am some dominating witch and have taken over dp it not the case its just well women do get things done! lol