Partner says he wants to end our relationship

[Taya32]

This past friday, my partner of 27 year told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. Been together since we were 16. While obviously devastated, he had been drinking (i had too, we had been out) and i didnt want to fight so I went to bed. When I woke up he had gone. We didn't speak for 48 hours when he text to say we needed to talk. After some back and forth he said he knew it seemed out of the blue, but he had been trying to work out why he felt that way for a while. We have had a really hard few years with his moods and behaviour, including the police removing him from our house after a fight he wouldnt leave. This all seems to stem from his dad passing suddenly in 2022. He saw his dad's body still in situ after a catastrophic heart attack. From then, he drank more and his mood changed. I tried to encourage him to get help but he wouldn't. Fast forward and for the last few months he's been so disengaged. Not interested in anything he used to enjoy. I tried to make plans for us to look forward to, days out, a holiday but no enthusiasm at all. The kids (older 22 & 17) say he is always snappy and unnecessarily hard to communicate with. The only time he seems happy is when he is drinking with work friends on a friday. He doesnt drink any other time but it is to excess on fridays and this is when we tend to fight, so making things worse. To top all this off, we have not been intimate in over a month. And before that it was just as long. This is for medical reasons and he hasn't been able to due to side effects of medication for T2D which he has struggled to control.
I think he is suffering from depression. His sister is diagnosed bipolar and his mum also on antidepressants in the past.
I guess what im asking is, do I give up now, he doesn't want me and accept that, or could this all be because he's depressed and not processing his feelings correctly, and focusing them on me?
We are not perfect and we row but this feels different. He's currently staying at his mums but not sure where to go from here 🙁

It's highly unlikely he's suffering from depression and very likely there's another woman somewhere. Really sorry op. The very best advice I can give you is to not beg, plead or cry to him. Put yourself absolutely first. It's utterly shit and I'm really sorry you're going through it.

Oh ignore the internet doctor in the first post OP 🙄

You two may have some more talking to do but if he doesn't want to do that, I'd let him go and see what happens in the next few months.

If he is depressed (which no internet random can say if he is or not), then he needs to see his GP.

He wouldn't be the first person to break off a relationship and then get diagnosed and regret the break up.

Cherchez la femme, op. Sorry you are going through this.

In my experience , men rarely leave a family unless there is another woman ( or man) in the wings .
One of my closest friends insisted her husband was just going through a difficult time and was so offended when I suggested another woman . Guess what ? Another woman .
So it’s a reasonable assumption.

He has a place to go to be it his mother or another there is nothing more to say is there

Then let him go.
Don't waste your precious time, energy and love on someone who doesn't love you back.

Honestly? I would call his bluff (for want of a better turn of phrase). You don't need to be hanging on to this relationship with all of it's 'what ifs' - I am so sorry you are hurting and have been blindsided, but you can't do his figuring out for him, that way madness lies. You can only respond to his actions and not try and second guess where they come from - that's his job to figure out. You deserve better than being on tenterhooks and walking on eggshells. Maybe he just needs some space to work out what is going on in his own head? I would set him free, I honestly would.

People projecting their personal stuff onto the OP and saying (as the first poster did) "It's highly unlikely he's suffering from depression", is not reasonable at all.

No-one can assess the likelihood on a chat forum.

Normally I would agree with some pp about there being another woman, however with his drinking to excess, T2 diabetes being uncontrolled ans the medication plus seeing his father's dead body I would say he is likely to be depressed.
I wouldnt fight him though, his behaviour will remain like this until he decides to seek help by himself, you can't fix him.
I would see this as the end.

I think you need to let him go. Sadly, it’s only him that can help himself, you can’t and won’t be able to help him.

One day he ‘might’ realise and act, but by which time, you will be a completely new woman.

I think people are right that you can’t guess at his reasons. Listen to what he is telling you and accept it. He may change his mind but you can’t control or predict it. And maybe by that point there will be no coming back for you.

He’s the father of your children so I would be sympathetic to his issues and be there for him as a coparent and maybe friend but you need to put yourself first and plan for a future without him. Control what you can and look after yourself mentally and financially.

If another woman comes out of the woodwork later on you will know for sure he wasn’t worth your time trying to help.

I think you need to take him at his word and see a family solicitor.

My first husband moved out and there was no other woman. Alcohol was his mistress and the love of his life, there was no room for me or the kids. He left so he could drink whenever and however much he wanted. It killed him as I knew it would. So in my experience it is perfectly possible there is no one else involved although there might be. No way we can tell.

Whether there is another woman or not (and none of us know) he has told OP he wants to go and indeed has left.

OP has the choice to either accept it or try one way or another to get him back. Personally, however hard it is, I would let him go. If, in the future, he wants to come back, you can then decide whether you want him back. But I wouldn't try to force him back if he didn't want to.

Could be depression or any number of things but you need to put your own feelings into perspective.
Is this what you want to live with?
If you wrote a list of things that are important to you in a relationship would he be up there, ticking those boxes?
I've been in a similar situation to you and honestly, there wasn't another woman for him, his head was a mess and he masked his terrible insecurities by drinking. But after he stormed out once again I had to make my own decision to live without his outbursts.
I've been lost and lonely throughout but also it's been peaceful!

My ex dh had bipolar and struggled with his me talk health for about a decade before he left. Very abruptly and without warning.,
there was no other woman..
I was utterly distraught. We’d been together almost 29 years, since we were 18.
i cried every day for 6 months.
now however, im so pleased he left.
he was a total emotional drain and wasted so much money.,
im so much happier now and you can be too. You’ve got the rest of your life to look forward to without his moods ruining your life.
you can get through this, life will be good, better.

I think you should respect his wishes and let him go.

Whether there is another woman or not
Whether he has depression or not

This isn’t working and I wouldn’t stand in his way if he wants to leave.

I think it might give him a wake up call to show him that regardless of what he thinks he is solving by leaving he ultimately needs to look after himself.
Whilst you are around saving him from hitting rock bottom there is not going to be a turnaround

If in the future when he has sorted himself out you can discuss your relationship then but for now I would step aside. Make it official and move on with your life. You will be surprised how peaceful and light life can be without and your children can have a relationship with him on their own terms and not have to put up with him snapping at them

Let him go. Follow the divorce process, but he will come back. You need to decide now, whether you need this deserter in your life or not,
Have a really good think now and please don't ever let your feelings be plaguedby the possibility of potential loneliness.

Hello @Taya32 Please don't give too much credit to commenters who feel confident enough to determine if there is depression involved or another woman (which is shocking to me to jump into that conclusion without any hint from the post at all), it doesn't really matter. You need to look at the facts and reality of it - and you have them, you live them: He doesn't want to be with you. What is there to fix? Do you want to go through some form of grace period, therapy or whatever process to convince him that yeah, he actually DOES want to stay, he just doesn't know it? It sounds a bit outlandish, right? It is sad, I get it, and after such a long-standing relationship I know it is extremely hard to change things, but that is your only option. It is not a case of "oh dear, I am feeling unhappy, can we work it out why?". It is very concrete, direct: "I do not want to stay with you". There is not much to guess there. No mystery. Do yourself a favour and exit a relationship where the other party does not even want to be part of. It only can ever work if both people want it. It is not enough if only you want it. Let it go...

Zombie

He wants to leave, let him. Sorry.