Really stuck! Feel like son has NO friends - need to move!

[tamagnochi]

Really unsure what to do here..

My DS is nearly7 years old, we moved him from nursery to a new school which unfortunately didn't work out. He has no reliable/good friends. He started new school a few months ago. We have been told he doesn't appear to have autism, just shy/introverted, he is on the waiting list for assessment. He does play with others who invite and welcome him but would never approach himself. Shy. So when he focuses on classwork, he seems to prefer doing that alone! I'm struggling - he's an only child so the playing is demanded A LOT at home.. Me and hubby both work.. He's a wonderful, funny, kind, sensitive boy who also likes some rough and tumble.. he just hasn't found his tribe yet! We can feel his frustration from that..

What do I do? Some close family are saying move area/school.. but reluctant to do that again as he needs stability.. I can initiate playdates as no one else seems to!

DS learns very fast! Unfortunately, is picking up less than pleasant things from school... Swear words and behaviours that I would associate with riff raff :/

Any advice appreciated??

TY

He’s a shy child who has only been at his new school for a few months — he’s certainly not going to have made ‘reliable’ friends yet. I think you’re expecting way too much too fast here. Give it time. Work on confidence-building and opportunities for friendships outside of school, too. Also, are you modelling friendships, including instigating contact, for him?

Why has he no friends? My DS has autism and really doesn’t chase friendships, is he like that? Is he motivated around his peers to interact with them? Does he do behaviours other kids don’t like like telling teachers about behaviour he doesn’t like etc? Does he play well, not controlling or dictating games, joining in and making himself available to play? Is he fun for kids to be around?

We have always organised and managed play dates for DS because he can’t navigate them himself but we don’t necessarily expect other parents to reciprocate because the relationship differences rest with DS and it is easier for us to navigate them on our side.

I agree with you that moving him again is risky so should be your last option.

Lots of children don't have reliable friends at that age. Friendships are fluid and change a lot. My eldest didn't really make solid friendships till about year 4.

He does play with other children and get invited to be friends with them, so that's good.

Try to find clubs which fit around his interests and which will enable him to meet more children.

Arrange play dates with the children who are inviting him to play with them at school.

At this age friendships are very fluid and of a moment. He may not recognise those brief moments of connection for what they are. Maybe read some books with him about friendships so he can start to see them. Simple books like On Sudden Hill are quick but meaningful bedtime reads.

But ‘riff raff’? With all respect, that’s not going to help. I speak as someone whose mum encouraged her to think childhood games were silly behaviour and struggled to make friends as a result. It’s all a struggle sometimes but take heart, it will get easier.

Maybe an after-school activity where he can meet kids who have similar interests?

Sometimes kids don't make friends.
Also, children swear a ton when adults aren't around. Especially young boys.

And heads up, young boys often unfortunately seem to pick up their fathers mysoginy. It starts very young. The being nasty to girls. 5-10 it's really really bad. So be on guard for that.

I think we need to get over this nonsense about kids being innocent. Sure some are sweethearts. But most are little deviants. Because they haven't learned otherwise yet and essentially, spend all day with other kids who also haven't learned otherwise yet. Kids are usually not nice.

Friendships come and go for most of childhood. Many years will be lonely for most kids. He will be fine. No need to change school-kids are the same everywhere. Just focus on being a healthy influence and don't baby him or make excuses for bad behaviour.

Yes it's sad. Poor little bugger. But hell get through. Sometimes life has hard points, especially for kids. Just try not to stress about things, it's really not a big deal.

"Riff raff"?!

If he picks up your attitude he is unlikely to make many friends!

He is still young, friendships grow and develop as kids do. It doesn't sound like he has been there long enough ro make close friends yet but i could be wrong. I'm confused on the timeliness you said you moved him from nursery but he is 7 and has only been there a few months?

So did he move from nursery to school and then to a different school? That is a lot of upheaval and he could probably do with staying put for a but to give him the time and stability to make lasting friendships.

I say riff raff lightly and loosely so don’t take it too seriously..

the swear words have started etc., earlier than expected! We will guide him as best as we can..

Have you invited other kids over for play dates? Ask the teacher for the names of some nice quiet kids who could be friends. Invite one child over and have an activity for them to do - making pizzas together or a new box of Lego (2 small boxes better than 1 big one).

it takes time for kids to make friends and moving school will just make it harder. You can support and structure friendships via play dates and then give it time.