My relationship is falling apart...

[ThisIsJustACautionaryTale]

There's nothing big. Day to day we get along well and when we're on our own, there aren't really any issues and are really compatible on day to day stuff (we rarely disagree and don't row) but there's just an underlying sense on my part that 'something isn't right'.

On Friday, he went out for the evening. It was his friend's birthday. It was a big night out - a couple of bands in a packed club everyone invited sort of thing. Several of his friends were there along with mutual friends of ours. Partners are always included at these sorts of things because many of the couples have been together for decades.

But on Friday, he went alone. He didn't even ask if I wanted to go, which he usually does. Normally, for these things, even if I haven't gone for some reason, he'll talk about what time he's leaving, who's going to be there, what time he's coming back, or he'll relay conversations or a story from the night or tell me who he's seen afterwards but this time there was nothing. At 6pm on Friday, I asked him what time he was going out because he hadn't mentioned it at all.

He's been tagged in a couple of fb photos from the night that he hasn't engaged with even to say great night or like the photos, which is unlike him. He's not a big SM user but does acknowledge stuff like that. There's a sense of me being 'kept away' from it, which I haven't felt before. Like I'm not part of the fun part of his life at all.

I think I must be pretty boring. I'm a teacher so, during term time, I'm knackered most of the time and find work to be all consuming. I find it hard to switch off and it occupies a lot of my waking thoughts.

It would have been really nice to go out with him on Friday and just do something fun together. We don't really do anything fun. I'm not a life and soul of the party sort of person. And I see him having fun with other people and all he has with me is work shit and dividing up household chores, shopping and meal planning before falling asleep in front of the TV. We can't even go out for the day at the weekend without me working it around work I have to do.

He's brilliant around the house and is great at organising stuff - he definitely takes on most of the mental load but, when he's not doing that, he spends his down time on his phone or kindle so reading, scrolling through fb, or playing games and I occupy myself.

I suppose, I feel the connection is waning.

I suggested we went out together on Saturday evening and he said he was up for it but then it didn't get mentioned again and so didn't happen. There have been a few times recently when I've suggested we go out to a gig or the pub or something and he's seemed quite keen but then started talking about being tired and perhaps another night...

He doesn't go out often. He's home every night so I don't begrudge him a night out with his friends at all. It's been a few months since he's seen these friends. It's not about that but I just feel like a piece of furniture or the person he runs the house with.

I knew him for several years before we got together and saw how he was with his previous partner. He was/they were always out, always having fun and so clearly in love with each other. I just feel like I've ruined his life by being in it.

Why didn't you go with him on Friday if you fancy a night out?

It wasn't suggested and I wasn't invited. He only mentioned it earlier in the week to remind me he'd be out on Friday. It was really clear it wasn't a 'we' night out. Nothing was volunteered. I only knew the venue, the time, and who was playing because I asked. Said it sounded like it would be a good night and he agreed.

He messaged once he got there to ask what I was up to for the evening but by that point, "Nothing," and ,"Well, why don't you come out with me?" wasn't an option due to distance and transport. So I wasn't included on any level.

I did go out in the end because one of my friends messaged me to see if we wanted to join her and her husband at a gig elsewhere.

Why didn’t you say “am I not invited”

Urgh, I suppose because I knew I would have been welcome by the host - the more the merrier. It was a 'this is happening and everyone's welcome' thing rather than an invitation only thing.

And I'm not particularly bothered about the night out itself. He'll have had a good time and I had a good time with my friends.

It's more what it says about 'us' that he didn't want me there.

I wouldn't have wanted to go if the only reason I was going was because I'd asked if I could, tbh. I can see how that should be ok but it wouldn't have felt right given how I feel generally.

Usually, he asks and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't (either so that he can catch up with his friends or because I don't fancy it) but he always asks. This is the first time I've felt that he actively didn't want me there.

It just felt awkward, tbh.

As pp above have implied, you come across as really passive, as if this sad situation is happening to you and there's nothing you can do about it but mourn the loss of love as it ebbs away from you.

You are one half of this relationship, it's 50% your responsibility to make it work. And long relationships do take work. As a minimum, you have to be able to have an open conversation about what you want from a relationship, what you're not happy about, and what you would like to see change. And then you work towards a compromise - or if you really can't find one, you split up. It sounds like the relationship has a lot going for it - don't you want to at least try to fight for it?

It feels odd you didn't just literally say, I'm coming. Would he have actually said 'no, you're not. I'm going alone'? And what would be his reason for saying it?

It sounds like you knew all about it and knew everyone and the host would be wanted you there. Basically they're your friends too. Especially if partners are always included.

Then on Saturday, you wanted to go out but because he didn't organise it, it didn't happen?

Why didn't you say, right, we're going to x pub, shall I ring xyz to ask them too, or just us? Will you be ready by X time?'

It feels like you're being kind of passive in these situations. Do you feel you are?

I don’t see why everyone is so bitchy to you about this. You were not invited to the group event. He obviously didn’t want you tagging along. He is stopping so ializing with you. The relationship is slowly devolving into just being roomates. Its not going to be fixed by just being more assertive or demanding to go out with him.

However I do think you need to address this head on. Be brave and just say what you are thinking: I want to have more fun with you. I want to go back to nights out and gigs and fun. Lets date again, make plans again. If he says “no” or just passively ignores you then you have your answer.

Thanks.

I don't think they are bitchy comments. I think they're valid questions/observations and ones I'd probably be asking/making too.

I think the relationship is slowly dissolving into being roommates.

Part of it is me because I'm aware that, for much of the year, I'm in completely work mode. I feel dull and uninteresting. We met through a hobby years ago and I no longer have the time or energy for this hobby. Its something that was a big part of our lives and now it's gone. I just feel like a functional person not a thriving person a lot of the time.

It's not really true to say that his friends are my friends too, though. We have mutual friends who were there, yes, but the majority were friends of his he's known for 20+ years and some since school. I've probably met them a dozen times/two or three times a year at most. We can make polite conversation for a while but that's all really. Once, "How are you?" is said, there's not much left.

I know he has fun with these people. He laughs a lot, they share stories, banter with each other as friends.

When we do go out, we don't really have anything to talk about beyond what we'd say to each other at home. It's not 'fun'. He doesn't have fun with me.

I mean, we run the house like a power team but that's all.

I just feel inadequate.

We didn't go out on Saturday probably because he didn't bring it up again. It's become a pattern over recent months of me saying, "So, are we going out tonight?" Or "X band is playing at Y place. Do you fancy it?" and him half heartedly making the right noises but then, as it gets later in the day he changes his mind and doesn't feel like it.

Tbf, both of us have been guilty of that on occasion but definitely him more than me.

I could have pushed for it, yes, but, if I'm honest, I just felt a bit deflated.

I don't want to go out in public and be surrounded by people laughing and having fun and feel that I'm not. I just don't feel that he has fun with me.

It sounds like you are assuming motives and attitudes that may not be there. You talk about ‘ruining his life’, ‘not wanting me there’ and ‘keeping me away from it’ but you have no specific evidence to back this up, and you won’t unless you have a decent conversation about it.

I speak from experience because my natural
inclination was/is to read a situation by seeing what goes on and assuming the other person (usually DH!) thinks x, y and z and then get upset by it. I was almost never right, and it was almost always a combination of poor communication, wrong assumptions and DH doing something without thinking but not with any malicious intent at all. We’ve worked hard at the ‘state of the nation’ talk where we just sit down and get it out in the open. I’ll most likely say ‘when you did/said this I thought it meant you didn’t want time with me/thought I looked ridiculous in that dress/or whatever spin I’ve got myself in’ and he will look a bit bewildered, feel awful that he’s upset me and say ‘Oh I can see now why you thought that but no, not at all, I thought you were seeing your DSis/I was thinking about the latest Liverpool signing and forgot to say how nice you looked…or whatever.’ I’ll probably cry, he will give me a hug and tell me he’s sorry again, then we will have a bit of a giggle about how daft I am for making assumptions yet again and how oblivious he can sometimes be and then it’s done with.

Don’t write off your relationship yet until
you’ve had a proper conversation about it. Also, both you and your DH are likely to have a much better time if you enthusiastically join in with the fun he’s having. It’s easy to drift in a long term relationship (we’ve been together for 36 years, married for 33) so you have to be really proactive to make sure it’s more than sharing the practical side of life. But it does take both of you so you might need to make a start by thinking about how to move things in a better direction even if he’s still going with the original flow.

You need to talk to him. You are assuming you know what he is thinking but you don't. The only way to find out is to ask.

What do you want? Do you want to be with him? Does he want to be with you? You mention your job being overwhelming, can you do anything to change that? There's a lot to think about but you both need to be involved in that.

He sounds like he's reacting to you to be honest. You say you're always tired and thinking about work, that's no way to live.

You're in a rut and you're both half-arsing (if that) vague attempts to get out of it. You're not communicating with each other about it so you're second-guessing what he thinks (negatively) and he is probably doing the same.

From your perspective you "can tell" he didn't want you there and you think he's changing his mind about vague plans you don't make properly. From his, he probably thinks he "can tell" you didn't want to go (after all, you didn't express that you wanted to go, and you went out and had a good time elsewhere) and that you're only half-suggesting plans and not following through. You think he always makes the excuse of being tired, he probably thinks you always make the excuse of being busy.

Put more effort in! That goes to both of you but you're the one who'll actually read this. Half-arsing and second-guessing is what ruts are made out of, they're not the way out. You think you've made efforts to get out of it but you really haven't.

If you want to have an interesting, non-domestic conversation with him again then put in the work. Read something or watch something (together?!) and talk about it. Comment on the news. Ask him what he thinks and tell him what you think.

If you want to make fun plans together then after you suggest something then bloody BOOK IT. Put it in the diary. Buy the tickets. Reserve the table at the restaurant. Then on the day just do it. And suggest something specific. "Oh, we should go to a restaurant at some point" is not a suggestion. "We should go to this new restaurant because the food looks great, it looks like this day is free, I'm reserving the table now" is a suggestion.

Thanks for that.

Yes, we have had those sorts of conversations and those are the exact sort of responses I get from him.

But there's still that feeling there. I know that I've withdrawn a bit to protect myself rather than punish him.

I don't feel comfortable being flirty with him or fun and that's partly what I mean by feeling functional. I feel like fun is what other people are for for him. I feel I'm taking up space. His life looks so different to how it did a few years ago and being with me is responsible for that.

Dolamroth

I'm looking for jobs outside of my profession with a view to getting out.

Even my daughter, who moved out for university last year, has asked me a couple of times what I do for myself now. What I do to have fun. She said, "You were always doing something and having fun but you don't do anything for you anymore."

She's right.

I've tried to imagine being single again. I do want to be with him and I do want him in my life so I don't want that but I don't feel I deserve him at the moment.

Gannett

Thank you.

I think there's probably a lot of truth in what you say.

I know he's very conflict avoidant and just hopes thing will get better or problems will just go away. He's told me that before about other things.

I like to talk about stuff. I just like to talk 😉 but I feel like I'm just responding to his avoidance and we talk around stuff or about other stuff and avoid the elephant that's blocking the view.

It's not like we haven't had conversations but I know he's uncomfortable with them and is happy to listen to me. But all I really get back in return is an apology, a reassurance and a hug when I want to understand how he actually feels because otherwise its just words and the same issues keep resurfacing.

I can only think of one issue that I raised that he tackled head on and it's literally not come up since and, because he was so decisive and confident in how he responded to it, I felt confident in his response and it's not been an issue on any level since. Whereas other things (like this) I just feel like we're going round in circles.

It's interesting because I hadn't realised that before typing it out then so there clearly is something in the communication that's missing.

Good luck, it sounds bloody miserable at the moment. I hope you find something that makes you happier. We spend so much time at work that it has a massive impact on well-being.

Does he know how fed up you are with work?