How bad is divorce?

[ZNC]

I’ve told my husband I want a separation for various reasons. Basically, he’s done so many smallish things that have hurt me over the last 11 years that I feel like I’ve changed the way I see him and I can’t see me ever getting back to that place again with him.

So last night I told him I don’t want this anymore. He still wants to work at it and thinks I’m being unfair for not giving him one more chance and said I have his word (his word means nothing to me). I do feel
quite guilty because he has said I’m leaving him with no choice and I’m breaking up his family and ruining his life without giving him
one more shot to put it right.

Anyway, he’s been divorce before and he said last night ‘this is how divorce works Soph, it’s horrendous, it’s hell, and nobody wins’. And I’ve taken that as him basically telling me that if I leave him he will make my life hell. Does anyone else get that or am I mis interpreting it?

Has anyone had an amicable divorce or does no such thing exist when one person doesn’t want it? Our kids are only 2yo and 8 months old so I don’t want hell for the next 18 years from him but I also don’t want to spend 18 years of my life knowing I’m with a person who doesn’t prioritise me, and makes me feel unseen and unvalued.

You know when you're done OP, and it is what it is. I just kept telling my ex-DH that I wished I could feel different but it was just too late. As you say, it's an accumulation of things that are treated as insignificant because, hey, the only one hurting was you, so just get over it. Each time that happens, you check out a little bit more, and get used to understanding that you're alone anyway so might as well go the whole hog. Nothing is as lonely as being with the wrong person.

On the plus side, DH#2 is awesome! 💗

So much of this is just utter bollocks and a very one sided opinion.

I met my DH when I had 3 children under 7 and 25 years later we are still very happy. He brought my DC up as his own and has been great with them. Announcing 'it will be hell' and that no man will ever take you on is neither definitely true or helpful.

My divorce from their father hasn't 'affected every facet of their life' in either my opinion, or theirs. My daughters recognise that their actual father isn't great, and both will have DH (their stepdad) walk them down the aisle when they marry (one already has). They say he was a great role model - as was their grandfather - in what men CAN be and they don't feel that they missed out on anything. Both they and their brother say they are grateful that their dad and I didn't remain together.

I think it's really unkind to paint such a bleakly negative picture to someone who is asking for advice. You've announced this as stark fact, when it is simply your opinion, and perhaps your experience.

It isn't mine.

he minimises them to be ‘small mistakes’

Sounds like you've tried communicating many times and he never sees that he did wrong or how hurt you were. Those R the points you want to make to him to say why you're both beyond the point of 'saving' this. You CAN both commit to an amicable split and peaceful coparenting. That is still very possible and a worthy aim in your mutual control to achieve.

Did you have a slow process of divorce? When you say you didn’t want to sell the house immediately and wanted it to be smooth for the children, did you move out to a rental or anything? Or did you say living together while separated?

The paperwork confused me hugely so was slow because the paperwork takes ages and is confusing. My kids were older, teenagers, we didn't tell them until we had worked thru first 3 steps (stages of paperwork) which took ... 8 months?... and I moved out soon after we told kids. Yes I rented. You're in different position because small children and I imagine you need his income to help pay for the little ones.

are you very financially dependent on his income?

I’m completely dependant on him at the moment, I’m on the unpaid part of maternity. But prior to maternity, I worked 2 days a week and used my money to pay for childcare, some of our bills, everything for the children, and food shopping. He pays the mortgage, he pays for my car, my mobile phone, he gives me monthly pocket money to put towards expenses etc. I have a reasonably paid job if I was to work more, plus, without his income, I would be entitled to some benefits like child benefit, and tax free childcare. So I could do it alone, I know I’d make it work.
I want it to be amicable but I’m not sure we would get that without me being financially independent as he’d always hold the cards.

Divorce is terrible -I definitely won’t remarry even tho’ am in a good relationship - because I’m never going to go through that again.
I agree that in your situation it is the best of the worse options, but as others have said /just be aware that with small kids he is going to be in your life anyway for many years to come.

I do agree that divorce is awful, even if end up dealing with it amicably if you share children you are never really free of the other parent which can cause problems. With such young children it’s much harder and you will likely be financially worse off and co parenting has its own set of challenges.

However, there is NOTHING more demoralising than being in a terrible relationship. Only you can know how bad it has become and whether it’s salvageable through relationship counselling. Xx

I divorced him when child was 1.5. I've re married and so happy I left. He's using someone else. Good luck to him. All his threats were empty. I'm polite and formal but no more

Divorce may not be great. Life after divorce often is, unless you have a very toxic ex who is hell-bent on destroying your life. Keep the long-term goals in your mind. You're not doing this because you desperately want to experience a divorce. you're doing it because in the end it will be just you and your children, living the peaceful life you want.

Studies have shown that single, unmarried or divorced women are far happier than married women are.
Whereas single or divorced men are far less happy than married men.
it's obvious who benefits most from marriage, and it's not women...

My divorce was hell. Emotionally and financially. I will never have the financial stability or future I had when I was married. I dont miss my ex, but I do miss yhe security of being part of a unit, of having someone in life who loves my kids and the things they do as much as I do, who shares my worries about them.
my ex was, in many ways, my best friend, and we no longer have that friendship.
But we’d grown apart, had no authentic physical relationship and he wasnt prepared to work on it or go to counselling.
On balance I think I will be happier overall for the rest of my life than I would had I stayed and we stayed the same. I wish he’d been willing to work on the issues, this way I get to choose a future that will make me happy.

Won’t sugarcoat it, I’m supporting some friends through their divorces currently. Was FaceTiming one last night. You can apply and in theory it is all much quicker but thrashing stuff out well it depends on how cooperative they are. One of my friends has spent 3k on fees so far but there are a lot of assets to share out and complex negotiations.

Anyone can be financially independent it’s just the level of comfort and stability that changes. There is no guaranteed legal right to stay in the house till children are 18 I just want to point that out, plus spousal maintenance is really not a thing unless you are mega rich.

I mean do it but go in with your eyes open, if he won’t co operate like my friends husband it may take far longer than expected. She is 2 years in now.

I think he was just stating a fact. I have a few divorced friends and even those where it was amicable, describe it as a difficult time.

Mine was amicable until we started discussing finances. He thought he could out-lawyer me. It cost us each at least £100k in legal fees. I still haven’t hot the pension that the judge ordered to be shared (he is a trustee of the pension fund and is delaying it to upset me) so will cost me more legal fees to get him to comply.

It doesn’t need to be horrendous, or hell. That’s up to both of you. I know someone who divorced 5 years ago, 2 kids similar ages to yours - she and her ex co-parent pretty well and amicably, neither had been broken by the experience. But really it’s about whether you can both accept it’s over, sort out what’s best for the kids, be reasonable with each other about selling the house, splitting pensions etc.

I think it’s entirely down the two of you how well it goes.

My divorce was okay, you need to expect the first few months to be rocky because of the emotions and changes for everyone.

But if you both try and stay reasonable, don’t weaponise the kids or issues like material stuff then it should be okay.

Do it now while your kids are young, genuinely.

OP, you say he does not prioritise you - was this the reason he divorced his previous wife (her reasons?).

Probably good to get a full-time job and find another residence as soon as possible. You can’t financially rely on him he could lock it all up fast. All I can say is full-time work is so exhausting and having a small child (and you have two), you will definitely be too exhausted to worry about much else. But good to get all that set up soon so you don’t need to rely on him any longer.

My sister was asked out all the time and had two serious relationships while her son was under 3. This isn’t true at all.

Sometimes its death by a 1000 cuts. If you’re unhappy, move on.

one thing that helped me was using a note on my phone (hidden) and adding all those times he did things which were wrong so i could look back on the days i was having a wobble to remind myself of how much a dick he is!

i applied 15 months ago and ive now got less than 48 hrs until mine is finalised! Wahoo! 🙌

And did those men get along with the child's father?

We're they OK with playing second fiddle to a three year old?

Guessing not.

They don't need to get along with the child's father. They are not dating him, nor spending time with him. Why would they even meet?

Presumably they knew she had a child when they began dating, and as both relationships are described as 'serious' then they accepted that.

Not sure why you are so insistent that life after divorce HAS to be hell.

I'm 8 years divorced (married for 6) and currently looking after xh's dog whilst he's on holiday with our dc, his dp and her ds.

He did not want to split, but we managed it amicably, we also work together and he's going to do the work on a house I'm currently buying.

It doesn't have to be hell, my dc are well adjusted, we're all happy and no one has 'lost'. Life is short,spend it being happy!