Daughter has unconditional love for everyone but me

[ddfd21]

I would say I’ve been greeting my teeth with this girl for nearly 5 years. She’s 21 now and I’m honestly at the end of my rope.
She’s dated one guy who hit her
We got her out of that relationship and she went off with somebody else who smoked popular amounts of weed
Stank my house out to high heaven
She would be getting messages from him while she was on holiday asking her to send him money to buy weed and to ask for money to send to him to buy weed
Obviously, I said no to this so we had a face like a slapped arse for the rest of the holiday
Finally she got rid of that one.
And he’s been replaced by another who has not held down a job for more than five minutes in the two years that we’ve known him
He’s more than happy to accept holidays from her.
They have to stay in hotel rooms if they want to be together because she’s banned from his house and he’s banned from mine due to sexiest racist and generally unpleasant comments towards my other children
He’s now lost another job due to a minor oversight, but because he works with children, it was major.
She’s lent a huge sum of money to one of our other friends, 50% of my wages she’s just lent out
I have lost my shit with her this morning and basically told her that she’s keeping him like some sort of expensive pet
And does she want this to be her life in the future?
I’m honestly at my wits end with her and of course when she’s got no money for food feels more than comfortable asking me and her father for money.

Sorry OP but your dd is 21 and an adult.

You seem extremely involved in her life.

Isn't it time you left her to her own decisions?

And also stop funding her life style So that she stands on her own two feet. If she has money to lend to friends and stay in hotels then she needs to learn the hard way about budgeting and paying her own way.

She's lent out 50% of your wages? what does that mean?

Must have very low self esteem if any man who love bombs her can get money, drugs and housing out of her.

Why do you think your daughter has such low self esteem and such poor boundaries?

Stop giving her money. If needed buy her things just for her but nothing easy to sell. Consumables only.
Obvs she needs a job if she doesn't have one.
Why does she have such low self worth and self esteem? And poor models of attachment and views of men. Something to ponder and reflect over.
Maybe she needs some one on one time with you and her dad doing some nice stuff, nature walks, trips away, cinema, reading a book together? If she isn't rude etc.
Sometimes you can get stuck in a cycle with young adults of negativity and get far too overinvolved in their life and relationships.

OP your daughter seems to have access to your bank account. You need to put a stop to her draining your finances. How can she afford to take her deadbeat boyfriend on holiday?

If she's still living at home she can get a job. She'd benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.

I'm hoping this means that DD has lent someone equivalent to 50% of OP's money, not her actual money.

Literally that I agree she’s got horrendous self-esteem and I can’t comprehend it. My other daughter’s boyfriend has two jobs and takes her on holiday not the other way round.
The contrast is horrifying.

Honestly, we’ve tried it all.
It’s almost as if the nicer the life we give to her the more she feels that her boyfriends are entitled to the same also at our expense or certainly at hers

She does have a job by the way she’s working her arse off for these losers to benefit from it

Can you help her move out so you at least don’t have to watch it.

This is very sad and honestly one of my nightmares for my.own daughter.

The title of your thread is a bit weird though...

Honestly you need to cut all financial support.
I would only be giving her emotional support but if she was open to it I would pay for therapy (but pay therapist directly)

Her self esteem sounds like its in gg toilet what's the relationship like with her sister? Can she talk any sense into her?

No, I have to be careful what I say because I don’t want this used against us as well if it’s ever seen
But she’s falling out with both of her sisters over this bloke because Of his disgusting views and nasty comments
She tells everybody at work everything about what he’s done and I’m not joking. 15 and 16 year-old little girls sit there laughing and taking the piss out of her boyfriend and she doesn’t realise that they’re mocking her and him.

I suppose the point of the title is that she allows these people to treat her like absolute shit but the minute I push back on anything an example this morning being that he kept her up until fuck knows what time this morning having sex and offloading having lost his job
So she’s late for work
Feels more than free to give me a call to wake me up when I’m working until 10 o’clock at night for a lift whilst loverboy lounge is around in bed
I could actually explode this morning and I’ve really tried hard to keep it under wraps but I have said this is not on and it won’t be happening again
To which I’ve basically been told to fuck off, keep my nose out
You can imagine

I feel very sorry for your dd. Her behaviour has all the hallmarks of low self esteem, very few parental boundaries and no positive male role model in her life. There is a back story there which means she is clinging on the scraps of love and attention from these low life idiots who are using her.

I think she needs a loving parent to rescue her by actually setting the safe boundaries within the house. Throw out these pot smoking arseholes, no lifts, don’t fund or enable any of the shenanigans and make it very clear it’s your house, your rules and it needs to be a clean, safe, happy space for everyone. Including her. Then she has a choice. She either accepts that or not.

Tell her you love her, but this shit stops now.

I think she has very low self esteem and needs help with that.

That said, I'd also stop financially supporting her.

This sounds very hard. However:

1. What you are describing is not her having 'unconditional love' for anyone. You're describing a very sad, dysfunctional young adult trying desperately to buy love from people who are hurting her. Aren't you?

2. Children don't necessarily have unconditional love for their parents. Parents probably should try fairly hard to have unconditional love for their children. But she doesn't owe you love. At the moment, it seems pretty clear she is not in a position to think about you and what might hurt you, because she is in such a state of chaos.

Absolutely I get that it sounds awful and it must hurt. I get that you may need to shut off financial support. But you're acting as if she ought not to be like this, out of love and consideration for you, and that seems ... misguided. If she's having these sorts of horrible, abusive, controlled relationships, she's in a total state and I cannot imagine she can manage to prioritise you when she clearly cannot seem to prioritise herself.

Teach her the importance of boundaries by setting some yourself for a start. Do not give her money, don't pay for anything for her if she has no money left, and do not allow these men into your home. You have an absolute right to decide who comes in your house, and if he's making racist/sexist comments about your children, he shouldn't be there. Apart from that she's an adult, hopefully she'll grow up eventually but you can't keep rescuing her / saving her from herself. Perhaps once she feels the consequences of her poor choices, she will stop making them.

God -This sounds hard and grim.

I would very tempted to use toddler management tactics and natural consequences.

Keep it super neutral and dont show annoyance but dont help / dont fix it / dont pick up the mess.

for lifts I'd be permanently unavailable.

"Oh sweetie! I'm sorry I can't give you a lift I have to go the dentist/ have a flat tire / am driving janet to portsmouth. Hope you work it out! I love you!!!"

She has plenty of parental boundaries. She’s been told him no uncertain terms. He’s not welcome to step through the front door.
She was told No when she asked me for money to pay for The last ones weed habit
You are doing exactly what she does whenever I try to put my foot down on anything. It’s thrown back as somehow it’s my fault it bloody well and I don’t stand for this shit of anyone So there’s nobody modelling poor behaviour of relationships from my side

I get that you are at the end of your tether, but actually, you are making it everyone else's fault. You posted asking for advice. Someone gave advice, and you claimed they were throwing it back at you. They weren't. They were just suggesting a course of action.

It's rotten, but you cannot guarantee your adult child will behave in a certain way, even if you do everything right.

From her point of view, I suspect, she feels a desperate need to appease these awful men, and you've given her money before, so she hopes you will again, and it is much easier for her to blame you and keep coming to you, than for her to find the strength to get out of that cycle of going into abusive relationships. That's awful for you but it is also awful for her.

There was no Advice in that comment, All the hallmarks apparently that don’t exist, assumptions and accusations that were completely unmerited.

Really? You think she's behaving like this and she doesn't have low self esteem?

Why on earth else would she be doing it?

It's awful - and it absolutely doesn't mean her self esteem reflects on you as a parent. But surely, you can accept it must be a big part of what is happening, when she lets these abusive men do this to her?