Am I blinded by him? Am I in the right or the wrong?

[Chuli]

This was my first time liking a guy. However he might be a little pushy. It had been about two months since I've gotten to know him. It was clear that we both liked each other. However he asked if he could kiss me. "What's so bad about a kiss?". I'm not sure. I've never kissed anyone before. I felt that before I kissed him, I wanted to get to know him a bit better. But after I rejected his attempt to kiss, he had spent a whole hour trying to convince me to kiss him. "It's not that bad...", "it's just a kiss", "why can't you just kiss me? It's not that hard". Honestly I'm not sure why it's so hard for me either. Perhaps I have some internal issues I haven't dealt with. I told him that I didn't want to lose my first kiss yet, that I thought I should wait until had gotten to know him better. He kept looking at me. He started holding my head in place as if he was going to attempt again. But he was waiting for me to say yes. I believe I had been rejecting his suggestion atleast 20 times in this hour. Although I've been a push over my whole life, when it comes to something I truly do not want to do, I will stand my ground. I kept saying no. By then it was time for me to head to my class. I was a bit relieved that I had an excuse to escape this endless cycle of "why can't you just kiss me?". I had gotten up and wrapped up this conversation. "I've got to go to class now." I barely make it to class on time. Later on after that interaction I called my sister to pick me up urgently. When she picked me up I told her about the situation. She then replies that I should've just kissed him for the experience. Because I liked him too and that I was proably giving him mixed signals (because I have a care free and bubbly personality). But I personally feel like his was pushing my boundaries quite a bit and felt like I wanted someone who respects my boundaries. My sister says it's normal for guys to do those types of things, but perhaps I assume it's because she's only dated trashy guys or maybe my standards are too high?? Anyways later I started distancing myself from him because I didn't feel so safe around him anymore. However that didn't do anything, because later he started waiting in front of my classes. I'm not sure if I should call that romantic or creepy. Anyways I wrote all of this because I wanted to know if i made too big of a deal out of this situation. Was it big enough to distance myself from him? Did I do the right thing?

Don't kiss unless you really want to. You didn't want to. He sounds very creepy and beginning to turn into a stalker. So yes, you did the right thing.

Not romantic ,definitely creepy.
you were being pressured into to doing something you didn’t want to do.
he was wrong.
you were right.
you held your ground ,you weren’t bullied into something against your will.
you know your worth. And you are worth more.
your sister didnt have your back.she let you down too.
do not double guess yourself. Do not doubt yourself.
your first kiss seems to mean a lot more to you than it may do to others .but your feelings and decisions are valid.
avoid this man, if he didn’t listen to you then,he won’t listen to you in the future .

You’ve been dating for 2 months but not kissed?? That’s weird. How old are you?

Once you said no he shouldn’t have pushed. He did….I’d definitely be seeing him in a different light. What else will disrespect down the line?

Hmmmmmm I don't like how he tried to make you. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with.

Walk away from him, that was very disrespectful. I guess I can understand why he’s keen for a kiss after 2 months. But no means no, and he needs to learn that.

No one should be forced into doing anything they don’t want to. Ever.

but I have to say, 2 months dating someone and not having kissed is surprising.

You say “I didn’t want to lose my first kiss yet” which is odd. It’s putting a lot of weight on something fairly small.

How old are you? Perhaps you aren’t ready for dating yet.

No we were not dating. It was more like we're friends but we both know we liked each other.

I'm 19 years old. But perhaps I have some intamacy issues. He is about 4 years older than me.

Tell him you're not ready. And that he has to wait until you are.

If you let him force you on this, he'll think he can always force you to do what he wants.

Consent is important.

The only acceptable response to ‘no’ is ‘ok the ‘. Anything else is disrespecting your boundaries. Do not let anyone get away with that, in any circumstance.

i think that because he asked he put you awkward position so you refused maybe if he had just gently kissed you like a peck on the lips you might have felt a bit more relaxed
but i'm in my 50s so old school never had a man ask if he could kiss me it just happened in the moment i appreciate things are different these days do what you feel comfortable with

No means no. I’m surprised at some of these replies. Op has clearly said she was NOT dating him - they were just mates who may have had a spark. And even if they were with dating and she didn’t want to kiss him his response still would’ve been inappropriate.

Well done for standing your ground @Chuli you didn’t feel comfortable and said as much so he should have immediately respected your feelings instead of pushing it. That’s a massive red flag that he kept trying to pressure you.

And if he actually wants a relationship with you he can ask you out on a coffee or whatever, and talk about it - not just try and push a kiss onto you.

The issue I’ve seen with male friends who slowly try to sneak romantic intimacy into friendships without clearly defining what they are after in the long term, is often (not always) they are angling for a FWB/ situationship type of arrangement. This doesn’t apply to everyone but based on his reaction I’d say he fell into this category.

But I personally feel like his was pushing my boundaries quite a bit and felt like I wanted someone who respects my boundaries. My sister says it's normal for guys to do those types of things, but perhaps I assume it's because she's only dated trashy guys or maybe my standards are too high?? Anyways later I started distancing myself from him because I didn't feel so safe around him anymore. However that didn't do anything, because later he started waiting in front of my classes. I'm not sure if I should call that romantic or creepy.

You’re wise beyond your years, OP - wish I thought like that at 19. So yeah your sister is indeed normalising bad behaviour and clearly doesn’t have the same standards as you.

For him to keep pushing for a kiss over that length of time shows he does not respect boundaries.

If you feel unsafe around him and clearly you do please ensure you’re never together alone again and if possible tell him you’d prefer you didn’t spend time together anymore. This isn’t a man who is likely to respect friendship boundaries so it’s best you steer clear altogether. Don’t accept any discussion on it - be very clear, this is your choice and not his to make. He sounds like the kind of guy who gets a kick not only on pushing boundaries but of chasing a girl who has made herself out of his reach. So he’s likely to escalate his efforts now.

It is creepy, not romantic!

He is 23, you are 19 - if he was really serious and cared about you why would he not have put some effort into making your first kiss special instead of trying to force one in between classes?

Why not ask you on a date, tell you how much he likes you and wants to get to you know and then see if you want to kiss at the end of the lunch/dinner/coffee date?

Don’t walk away from this man, run!

If you don't feel the desire to kiss him after this time, it is very likely you ever will, but you said you 'like each other ' - not sure what that entails. This is also okay. I would suggest telling him you want no romantic relation with him.

Whatever spark was there isn't there now if you don't want to kiss him after 2 months. Good for you for not giving in. That's really admirable but cut the poor sod loose and let him find someone else.

@KitsyWitsy I do agree she should let him go (for her own sake and safety) but he’s hardly a poor sod. He’s a pushy 23 year old man who tried for an hour to pressure an inexperienced 19 year old to kiss him in between their college classes . It doesn’t scream romantic, caring or seriously invested to me.

Men like that literally bank on the fact a lot of women especially young girls have trouble saying no. Consent should be given freely and enthusiastically.

If I had a spark with a friend I wouldn’t want him to just kiss me out of the blue, not because the spark isn’t there but because I’d want us to be dating first. I would wonder why he was so determined to skip that step, men usually step things up for women they genuinely like and value. I could maybe get it if he was 16 or 17 but he’s 23.

he might be a little pushy
was pushing my boundaries
I didn't feel so safe around him anymore

Do not ever ignore these things. Men who do things like this are not good men. Your instincts are good. Trust them.

He started holding my head in place
He is not safe to be around. Avoid ever being alone with him.

He’s not the right person for you.

You should only have to say “no” once.

Don’t ignore your instincts.

Thank you for understanding me. I did want us to be dating first before I did anything else. Only beginning to be friends for about two months felt like he was rushing things a bit too much. I usually like to find out what I'm up for before I actually start dating someone. Him pushing my bourdaries as a FRIEND felt a bit much. I even started to wonder if he actually liked me or if he was lusting over me. Thank you again for you insightfulness.