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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I Leave?

5 replies

PhillyFinch · 28/07/2025 00:47

Things in my marriage have come to a head after a rocky last 6 months.

During that time, my husband and I have argued more frequently. Small things are normally the start but we return to the same issue - he can be dismissive of my feelings and extremely cutting with what he says. There is a reluctance to take accountability for his words and when I try to say how I feel, I'm met with indifference. As a result, my confidence has taken a huge knock.

I understand relationships are a two way street; I'm not perfect and will say things in moments of upset or anger. I do, however, always hold my hands up and admit when I'm in the wrong.

I lost a parent very young. As a result, I've struggled with anxiety and bouts of severe OCD. I appreciate this is not easy to live with. I have done therapy for this and on the whole it is better. However, it's no doubt caused issues in our relationship. I don't feel like I receive any sort of compassion, support or understanding but I do wonder if I'm unreasonable to expect this.

We have a young child and a baby due early next year. A few weeks ago, after an argument my husband told me he couldn't be the person I needed to support me with my anxiety and there was no point him trying as he could never solve it - not that I've ever expected that. He told me his feelings for me have changed. Looking back, I can see if he did truly love or respect me, he would not speak to me in such a way, or be so dismissive and indifferent.

He's a wonderful dad but I know that's not enough of a reason to stay. I want my children to see their parents treat each other with kindness and respect, not growing up in an atmosphere of sadness and resentment.

At present we are taking time apart. I'm at a loss regarding a way forward.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 28/07/2025 01:19

He's not a wonderful dad if he's unkind to the mother of his child and provides the child with a toxic model for relationships. Women need to stop giving men props just for doing the bare minimum as fathers and look at the totality of their behaviour and the potential it has to affect their children.

None of your expectations are unreasonable. He is clearly a selfish prick with low empathy. By all means leave if his behaviour is unacceptable to you. That's the only question you need to ask yourself; can you accept and live with this without being unhappy, given that it is part of his character rather than temporary as a result of a mental health crisis of some sort? If the answer is no, why would you hesitate to end it. Your child will pick up on his callous disregard for you and learn to see it as normal. Don't let that happen.

tripleginandtonic · 28/07/2025 01:28

Living with someone who has OCD abd anxiety is difficult.

PhillyFinch · 28/07/2025 01:28

Thanks for your reply. I totally get what you're saying about it setting a poor example to our son. Believe me, I'm very conscious of that. I'm also responsible for saying things in anger at the wrong time and our son seeing it. My guilt about this is huge.

I feel like on one hand I have a strong sense of self worth and I want better for my self and I know I don't deserve to be dismissed and talked down too. The other half of me feels so utterly vulnerable and broken.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 28/07/2025 02:44

PhillyFinch · 28/07/2025 01:28

Thanks for your reply. I totally get what you're saying about it setting a poor example to our son. Believe me, I'm very conscious of that. I'm also responsible for saying things in anger at the wrong time and our son seeing it. My guilt about this is huge.

I feel like on one hand I have a strong sense of self worth and I want better for my self and I know I don't deserve to be dismissed and talked down too. The other half of me feels so utterly vulnerable and broken.

Edited

You will get through this, love. It feels like the end of the world when you break up, but after you have recovered your equilibrium, the peace you gain will be like night and day from where you were at with him. I have left an asshole and it was the best decision I ever made. 🩷

MuckFusk · 28/07/2025 02:52

tripleginandtonic · 28/07/2025 01:28

Living with someone who has OCD abd anxiety is difficult.

It's no excuse to be mean. If it's been so difficult he had the option to leave. Yet he didn't. He hung around and made her suffer his callousness and viciousness. He also impregnated a "difficult" person not once, but twice, presumably by his own choice, as I doubt she raped him or punched holes in his condoms. He probably enjoys having a punching bag actually.

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