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Dealing with Compassion Fatigue

2 replies

LuminousDial · 27/07/2025 14:01

I have a long standing pen friend in another European country - we exchange messages almost every week. This dates back to about 2010. We met once when she and her husband and her best female friend came to England in about 2017. For the first 10 years her life was really stable and generally uneventful and she has always been a buoyant positive personality: she's actually an American but she's lived there for over 30 years. Unfortunately, the last 5 years of her life have been very difficult as her husband has fallen ill - initially, for at least 2.5 to 3 years, they were unable to give a diagnosis - they thought it might be early onset dementia, then a first psychotic episode, then schizophrenia and then they tentatively diagnosed catatonia - which he had shown clear signs of right from the beginning - but the thought was that that was part of something else but different types of brain imaging failed to identify conclusively what was going on. His illness had caused her, (their!) lives to collapse: he was unable to work so she has to give up her job to care for him and they lived off her careers allowance and caring for him has been difficult. She had to sell the house they were living in and rent somewhere. He has now just had another severe downturn in his health and has had to be admitted to hospital until they can find him a care home where he will live permanently. As a consequence, she is losing her carers allowance and has, in the space of a week or so, had to find somewhere else to live, to rent - she'll live alone in a tiny one room flat. I have always kept in touch with her throughout all of her troubles as I am not a fair-weather friend, but her latest problems do stress me and right now I feel quite worn down by all of her problems - but God knows how she is continuing to manage to keep moving forward but she's now facing another massive downsizing in her life. I know she appreciates that I always keep in touch. I know she isn't a person whose life has always been full of problems - you can sometimes think that people with a lot of problems are partly or entirely to blame for their situation but I know, in her case, the problems all stem from events totally outside her control - she has just had so much bad luck. Right now, I have run out of positive things to say to her: she must be devastated at the way her life has been changing over the last 5 years, I don't know how or even if, I would have coped, so I admire her in many ways but I can't see the point in saying so many things - no point in telling her how terrible this has been or how much I marvel at how she has got through it all - she knows all that. My life is fine, I don't have much to moan about but I'm always mindful of not talking about things in my life that might cause her to compare her life to mine but over the past 5 years I feel like I'm running out of things to say, or ask or talk about. I like this person, respect them, have enjoyed our friendship and don't resent her for the situation she's in but it's painful not being able to do much to help her and watch things go from bad to worse.

How can I continue to support her given the latest turn of events in her life and how I am currently feeling?

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 27/07/2025 14:09

Could you send her a note expressing something along the lines of what you've said in the last third of your post?

I know you're not a person whose life has always been full of problems - you can sometimes think that people with a lot of problems are partly or entirely to blame for their situation but I know, in your case, the problems all stem from events totally outside your control - you have just had so much bad luck. Right now, I have run out of positive things to say: you must be devastated at the way your life has been changing over the last 5 years, I don't know how or even if, I would have coped, so I admire you in many ways but I can't see the point in saying so many things - no point in telling you how terrible this has been or how much I marvel at how you have got through it all - you know all that. My life is fine, I don't have much to moan about but I'm always mindful of not talking about things in my life that might cause you to compare your life to mine; but over the past 5 years, I feel like I'm running out of things to say, or ask or talk about. I like you, respect you, have enjoyed our friendship and don't resent you for the situation you're in, but it's painful not being able to do much to help you and watch things go from bad to worse.

And maybe ask if there's anything at all you can do that might help?

LuminousDial · 29/07/2025 15:06

I don't think there is any new suggestions that I haven't already thought of: I've run out of ideas and I'm not expecting any great ideas TBH. After 5 years I have got into all of these areas already re:bad luck, outside her control, acting swiftly and not burying her head in the sand - she's probably not aware that I tone down what's going on my life bar enjoying meeting up with my adult children and seeing my grand daughter. I just think she doesn't need reminding about how unlucky they have been. I'm thinking of something practical now perhaps - I've never sent even small gifts bar a Christmas card (which is "not as much of a thing" in her country) partly because the postage is so stupidly expensive... maybe a moving in gift once I get her new address. My gut instinct is to pay for her flights to the UK and host her for a week - she needs a break and can get one, theoretically, now her husband is in hospital and she's not having to look after him full time.

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