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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know how to handle this

5 replies

Puffythevampireslayers · 27/07/2025 11:16

Background, I have severe anxiety and can have episodes of agoraphobia. I always encourage my husband to see his family but I don't always make it. I view alone time as important so we have plenty of that and can always do our own thing. He is quite a homebody so rather than visit family regularly he will read/listen to music/game on his xbox. He sees his mum once every 2 weeks for a hobby and on special occasions pretty much always.

Recently his dad has been a bit off with me, making little comments about my being antisocial etc. I've joked them off as not to cause a fuss. He's been a bit cold too, things like not wishing me a happy birthday until the next day (everyone else it's on the morning of their bday on the group chat) There was one occasion where he got angry at my husband for wanting to leave a family event he had been at all day at around 7pm, saying he needs to make more effort for his family. For more context, Mt husband has a sister with 2 children who lives a couple of hours away. We all get on fine but my husband doesn't make anything other than the required amount of effort with the kids when they are visiting his parents. He also has a brother who lives locally and again, my husband doesn't see much of him as he's quite a homebody. They do get together for the odd pint/football match etc but he does turn down a lot of social invites too.

My husband was on sick leave due to stress at work and his wage significantly impacted. We share finances 50/50 but after a few months we were struggling with just my wage and ssp. He asked his mum for a loan.

Yesterday we were at PIL house for the day to catsit. They are not hoarders, all clean and organised. On the dining table next to the instructions for cat was a clipping from a salvation army magazine about abusive relationships. How to spot the signs, partner keeping you from friends and family, keeping you isolated, spending your money, being controlling about who you see etc.

I think my FIL has left it there for my husband as he honestly thinks this may be the case. I'm really upset. I've always tried to maintain a nice relationship with them albeit I know I can be distant. Unfortunately I think PIL doesn't or doesn't want to see that husband is not very sociable, a bit lazy sometimes and doesn't want to meet up with family every week.

I cannot think of a single other reason why that clipping would be left on the table.

I'm upset and bewildered as to how to handle this situation. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Puffythevampireslayers · 27/07/2025 11:19

Should have added my husband seemed a bit put out but mainly non plussed. He seemed upset I was upset and I think dreading any kind of serious conversation with him regarding this.

OP posts:
DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 13:02

If you are happy with how your marriage is, and your H is happy with how your marriage is then it really is no body else's business.
Ignore the stupid comments and unsubtle hints. If necessary see a bit less of your in laws.
Dont let them interfere in your marriage.

SonofDeva · 27/07/2025 14:52

Stick to your guns and be open with your husband in how upsetting your FIL is treating you. It is clear your FIL doesn't like you and is determined to split the two of you up.

My mum was exactly the same and I brought my girlfriend home from uni. She went out of her way to split us up and it didn't work. Twenty years after, we're still together, married and have two children.

Despite some reproachment between .my mum and I, I don't speak to her now. Only if I need to.

If your DP, loves you, he should stick by you and see off this attack on your relationship. Regardless who it is from.

Take care ❤️

Lurkingandlearning · 27/07/2025 16:40

If FIL needs to leave strategically placed articles rather than having an honest conversation with his son, he is not as close, the family is not as close, as he makes it out to be.

Wha FIL did must have been hurtful especially on top of the difficulties you have been having. It is something your husband needs to address with his father

FreeRider · 27/07/2025 17:56

Personally, I'd write FUCK OFF in red pen and capital letters across it and leave it where I found it.

Passive aggressive arsehole FIL. I've got one like that too, I have nothing to do with him and haven't for about 13 years. Myself and partner don't have kids (mid 50s) so there's no pressure on me to have any sort of relationship with him. Partner can see him as he likes, doesn't mean I have to.

As someone who also has agoraphobia, I know how upsetting it is when others don't realise what an effort it can be sometimes to socialize. Just be thankful you aren't as ignorant as he is!

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