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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this too demanding?

32 replies

alice123 · 27/05/2008 21:26

Hi, I recently started seeing a new man, we have slept together a couple of times but I think I rushed into it. I don't regret it because it was good and what I needed - having been a single parent for ages.

But he I saw him last night he was 20 minutes late meeting me in the pub. I didn't have a go - just tried to call and said I wasn't sure he was turning up. Anyway he did but seemed to take offence.

In bed, all was ok till the morning but when he wanted to kiss me he had 'morning breath' and I wanted him to clean his teeth which he did reluctantly. Then when my 5 year old son came in he didn't look up to say hello to him. I was upset as for my son to see me in bed with someone is quite a shock but he was fine about it.

Later on he stayed till 2pm and was great with my son, taught him how to ride his bike etc but made a few comments about me being demanding. TBH I can be quite demanding but didn't think those things unreasonable???

When he left I said, it'd be good to see him again and he agreed but arranged no date.

Anyway feeling a bit unsure about things now...

OP posts:

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 21:36

anyone??

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LynetteScavo · 27/05/2008 21:42

Would you make him brush his teeth every morning before he kissed you, even if you were living together?

I imagine he was a bit embarassed when your son came in. If he dosen't have a son of his own he may have been unsure exacly how to interact with him initally.

So you are demanding, and are probably not going to change (?).

I think you should contact him to arange to meet, and see how he reacts.

Also, being a bloke, he probably doesn't see why you might not have wanted to sit in the pub alone.

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 21:45

I hate smelly breath! so I suppose yes. It wasn't waiting in the pub that bothered me, it was being unsure if I'd been stood up or not.

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RambleOn · 27/05/2008 21:48

Sorry, couldn't read past the bit about your son seeing him in your bed.

This shouldn't happen with someone you've recently started seeing, imho.

PinkTulips · 27/05/2008 21:56

if you really lusted him morning breath wouldn't bother you after only a few weeks

if you get angsty waiting on your own in pubs turn up late to meet him, 20 mins isn't very late, calling him was seriously ott

he probably got nervous when your son walked in and wasn't sure if it was appropriate to be too friendly to him in such an odd situation... i'm guessing he has no kids so he's probably never had a kid walk in on him in bed with a woman before.

these things alone do seem quite demanding and if those are the ones you've realised yourself there are probably tonnes of others you didn't

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 22:03

I'm surprised by what you've written because I didn't really think I was too demanding - I would anyone I was meeting if they were 20 mins late because I would assume they weren't turning up. I do regret my son seeing us in bed together and that won't happen again.

Not sure about the morning breath though - I've always (and everyone else I've slept with) has always cleaned their teeth first thing!

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hls · 27/05/2008 22:09

Agree that your son seeing you both was a bit careless- have you no lock on the door- or could you not find some way of not letting him just walk in? Embarrassing for all?

I don't think it was OTT to phone him, though 20 mins is not overly late- maybe 30 mins, but 20 seems just about acceptable- I would have wanted an apology or explanation.

Re the teeth cleaning- agree with the others- would you do it every day at home ? I' d find it a bit insulting if someone asked me to clean my teeth- I say that to DH but he's been around for 24 years! I suppose it's HOW you asked- in a joking manner?

I guess that it all depends on how keen this guy is on you- these are only a couple of small things really, and shouldn't really matter.

If you feel now that you were OTT then maybe call him/text and apologise? But on the otehr hand, maybe you should give it a few days to see if he calls you.

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 22:15

I am just thinking of calling him. I think I want to say that I want to see him again but I would like to take things more slowly not sleep together again till I know him a bit better. Also to explain that my son seeing us was something I regret.

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hls · 27/05/2008 22:18

How do you think he will react to you saying you don't want sex for a while? Might be a bit dodgy now that it has happened- and why do you want to say that anyway- is it just because of your son? I find it hard to see how you can turn back the clock, tbh, an wonder why?

foxinsocks · 27/05/2008 22:19

that will confuse him. It would confuse me. You've slept with him and now you want to take things slowly? I think he will see that as a knock back.

I think you sound like you want to and need to chill a bit. Just go with the flow, that's what it sounds like you should do iyswim. I mean, I can see why, as you've been single for ages and you have a kid, that you don't want to screw everything up and you're feeling unsure and a bit tense, but maybe just sit back and relax and enjoy while it lasts and then see what happens?

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 22:22

I don't know how he will react. It's not because of my son, it's because I am sleeping with someone I don't really know. It's my fault , thought it was a one night stand (not that I have them really - but on this occasion did) but turned into something a bit more. I feel the things that I was demanding about are I suppose irritations that I feel and need to be sure that these things don't bother me too much before sleeping with him again. Not sure how to put that though think I'd just say I'd like to get to know him better before we have sex again.

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hls · 27/05/2008 22:24

I agree with fis-

given that it seems this guy has doubts about it all anyway, saying you don't want sex now will make him feel rejected. Is he looking for a serious commitment? I think you are in danger of frightening him off, as the "no sex, let's just get to know each other" (?) sounds a bit intense and almost too late considering what has happened.

I'd back off- and see if he contacts you- if he doesn't it will be hard, but you don't want to do all the running, do you?

MsPontipine · 27/05/2008 22:29

You've gone off him haven't you - that's ok!

How someone treats your son is a very instinctive thing - if he was cold he was cold - no dressing that up.

Agree with Pinktulips - if it was right breath wouldn't bother you.

Just let it go (even if it has been a while!) Mr Right-4-u is out there.

hls · 27/05/2008 22:29

Our posts crossed- i just keep feeling that you don't seem to be able to put yourself in his shoes at all.

If i was him, and was told to get up and clean my teeth on a 2nd date, i'd be hurt. Initial passion usually ignores all of that! Add onto that the phone call etc and I think you are in danger of being demanding and intense- and his reactions so far say that he doesn't like that.

If you do make that call, there is a danger he won't want to see you anyway, full stop- so maybe just be less intense and see what happens? You cna still see him and not have sex, but maybe you need to explain that at the end of date, not before he has asked you out again.

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 22:32

I suppose I have gone off him a bit. feel like ringing though in a way to say I didn't mean to be demanding.

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LittleBella · 27/05/2008 22:33

Already this is hard work and you're only 5 minutes in.

Partly it's hard work because you've done too much, too soon, as the Specials would have said. But partly, it sounds like you're not really that keen on this guy. And if you're not keen at the beginning, you're not going to be keener in six months time.

I'd be inclined ot let him go. And next time you meet someone, don't let your DS meet him until you are sure he is going to be a reasonably permanent fixture in your life. It's not fair on your DS or on the bloke.

hls · 27/05/2008 22:34

But can't you see that it might be the final nail in the coffin- as he will see you as giving him grief and getting overly intense!

Only make that call if you are happy not to see him again.

If you need to get it off your chest, but don't expect him to come running.

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 22:34

I suppose I also want to say that I know he has doubts and I do in a way but that I didn't mean to be demanding, just didn't know how to handle things and had a good time too.

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hls · 27/05/2008 22:36

well, maybe make it light and send a text saying " great to see you- sorry if i was a bit OTT about things-still learning,lol, give me a call?"

Original poster

alice123 · 27/05/2008 23:13

yes maybe. there are alot of reasons though I don't think it'll last and alot of reasons as well that I like him. feel quite confused by it all. I don't think he'd have stayed so long if he didn't want to. He smokes a lot of weed and other reasons I have doubt about him.

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Gunnerbean · 28/05/2008 00:19

Quite frankly I can't believe that after letting your 5 year old walk in to your room to find his mummy in bed with a total stranger (who is by your own admission "someone you don't really know")all you seem to be worried about is the fact that you might have put this bloke's nose out of joint by asking him to clean his teeth before snogging him.

It beggar's belief in my book.

CatharsisItIs · 28/05/2008 00:45

IMO, if you've gone off him, take control and call him to call a halt to it! No more pondering, self doubt or angst.

IME, being a single mum can in itself place a certain pressure on new relationships. You're worthy of the right to take your pick though! Settle for nothing less

Starting off from a place of neediness rather than strength isn't particularly positive. It can be construed as demand and it also places an unhealthy skew on a relationship from the outset.

madamez · 28/05/2008 00:54

Blimey, give the bloke a break and give yourself a break. Just because you've had a date with someone or indeed a bunk-up with them doesn't mean you have to start progressing towards a lifetime commitment. Relax, find other things to do with your time and, unless you actually want to see him again (rather than being frantic to Have A Partner) don't call him, and if he calls you to ask for another date, don't accept unless you want to. But doing the old 'let's not have any more sex till we get to know each other' is not advisable. It's basically using your fanjo as currency: access to it only permitted if he offers something in return ('a relationship').

DirtySexyMummy · 28/05/2008 01:07

Once again, agree with Madamez

(Jesus woman, you give great relationship advice )

Think you were being very, very about asking him to brush his teeth in the morning. Weird behaviour for someone you've just started seeing, IMO.

Original poster

alice123 · 28/05/2008 22:31

I know you say that but snogging someone with bad breath is not good...agree with some of the things you've said and will definately NOT let my son see me in bed with someone again. I don't know why I thought that was ok at the time. It definately wasn't.

But I don't agree with all...not sure either of us want to progress it but there was a good time there as well for both of us too, I think he is basically nice and I do find him attractive.

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