Fall out with SiL

[Songofsixpence]

Just as a bit of background to this - DH has a younger sister and growing up she was always the family golden child and DH was the family scapegoat. When we all had kids SiL’s were the favourite grandchildren. There’s also a much older brother and sister. None of them are particularly close - we get together at Christmas and significant birthdays, DH chats on the phone sometimes, etc. We moved couple of hundred miles away 15 years ago so are somewhat out of the loop on family dramas. Our kids are all young adults now.

Randomly, a few years ago MiL visited us and apologised for the way she had treated DH growing up and apologised for the way she’d treated our children compared to SiL’s children over the years. We thought she’d had a massive health scare or something as it was totally out of the blue and totally out of character, but they’ve got along much better since, DH has a much better relationship with his mum and my girls have a much better relationship with their grandmother. Still not particularly close but a lot better than it was.

However, we’ve recently discovered MiL has been giving SiL a massively hard time about her kids and comparing them unfavourably to our girls which has obviously upset SiL. They’ve fallen out and we’ve now been dragged into the argument.

DH chats to MiL about our girls, she asks what they’ve been up to and stuff like that, but had no idea that she was then going back to SiL and using it as a stick to beat her with.

DH has tried to sort it out with her but she’s not having it and has decided it’s all our fault. DH hates conflict and hates she’s been made to feel that way so wants to address it with his sister.

I’m leaving him to sort this out how he sees fit, but he is upset by the whole thing and doesn’t want to leave it all to fester

Sorry, posted before I finished typing by mistake.

I guess I don’t really know what to do. I feel for DH who is keen to resolve the situation and for everyone to get along, but also don’t feel like we’ve done anything to apologise for.

You guys having nothing to apologise for but your DH can point out to his sister that Mum is the problem and if sister has fallen out with her mum over it he can understand because it’s hurtful and the comparisons are completely unnecessary.

Also your MIL sounds toxic, I would read up on toxic parents and toxic in laws, perhaps send SIL a copy of Toxic Parents!

Our family had this problem, with me as one of the children in the scenario - my gran playing families off against each other. I didn't know why we suddenly never got to see our cousins (or aunt/uncle) for several years! It all came out in the wash years later when we were adults: basically gran had been hypercritical of one side, then the other, and it caused bad feeling.

If your DH has tried talking to his sister about it and not managed to resolve it, I'm afraid you just have to wait for her to get over herself. And take everything his mum says with a pinch of salt!

The roles of family scapegoat and golden child are interchangeable and now you guys are golden whereas the SIL and her family are scapegoated. His mother and father crated this particular family dynamic so trying to at all sort this with his mother is a non starter. The best thing you can do re she is to stay away from her entirely.

His sister may not want to mend fences either. Did she reach out at all to him and you people when you were all scapegoated?.

Your DH also wants everyone to get along so he does not have to do anything. His inertia here hurts him as well as you. He hates conflict unsurprisingly and is likely also mired in fear obligation and guilt; three buttons his parents put into him. He needs therapy like yesterday frankly. Would he be willing to see a therapist?. At the very least he could watch Dr Ramani on YouTube and read Toxic parents by Susan Forward.

Thanks all!

It’s definitely very toxic. We moved away from them all several years ago so have kept them mostly at a distance

His sister may not want to mend fences either. Did she reach out at all to him and you people when you were all scapegoated?.

Nope, I think she very much revelled in being the golden child to be honest. I wouldn’t go as far as saying we are now the golden family, but SiL’s golden child crown has definitely slipped. To be honest, there was never much of a relationship between them in the first place.

We did take MiL’s apology at face value, she seemed genuinely upset that she’d treated DH so badly growing up, and her behaviour towards our kids.

DH has spoken to MiL to try and find out what on earth is going on. Her side of the story is that she’s worried about SiL’s kids. MiL says that SiL makes excuses for their behaviour rather than tackling it, that SiL is enabling them to waste their lives, etc. I know there have been lots issues over the years, although not the ins and outs of it, one of them had quite a lot of police involvement and my DD1 had to block him as he kept sending her abusive messages. I don’t know a whole lot of what’s gone on with them, but given SiL’s attitude about the abusive messages (she basically blamed DD and said she must have done something to deserve it), I think there’s possibly some truth there if I’m honest, but it’s none of our business and MiL has never talked to us about any of it.

SiL says that she’s sick of MiL comparing her kids to our kids, that we think our kids are perfect, that we think we’re better than anyone else and we’re all gossiping about her (we’re not)

Personally, I actually think it’s a bit 6 of one, half a dozen of the other between SiL and MiL, they’re both as bad as each other, but this whole dynamic is totally of MiL’s making.

It’s all a mess that we’d rather not be dragged into or involved in

Urgh I would keep well out of it and keep MIL at arms length and SIL even further away.