Finished with MIL

[Mumto2HH]

Hello! New to this website but I don’t really have anyone to ask if I’m doing the right thing.
my relationship with my MIL has always been civil. Since my 2nd child came along (she cried with excitement about them) she has been more and more distant and we barely see/hear from her.
There’s been many small issues that have annoyed me over the years but in the last month my mum (who is amazing!) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and will be starting gruelling treatment soon, my husband works away for 4/5 weeks at a time so I’m completely alone.
My MIL has been told about my mum by my husband and that he’s away currently and I’ve not heard a single thing from her, am I wrong to want to completely shut her off now? I think it’s completely disgusting to not have even sent a message about how I’m doing with the news of my mum whilst I’m alone with 2 young kids.
I never want to speak to her again but am I being too harsh to my kids grandparent?

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum. I think you sound crushingly angry and sad, not surprisingly. I don’t really think that any of this has much to do with your MIL.

Just leave her to i - don’t cut her off. Is there anyone else you can find some support from? Is there a Maggie’s centre you could talk to? Do you have any friends with small kids you could have some play dates with to share a bit of time?

You don't need to have a relationship with her and I can completely understand your point of view.

Your DH can visit her with the GC and maintain the relationship going forward.

However, just keep in mind grief and sorrow can manifest as anger as its an easier emotion to deal with. Your mind may be rushing to find someone to fix your anger on and by her careless actions, MIL currently fits the bill. Don't act in haste, just quietly remove yourself until you've got through this difficult time then make a long term decision when you're in a better place.

You are suffering greatly with your mums news, however, I think your decision to shut your mil off completely is way over the top. She hasn't stepped up to support you but is this her role?

She's your husband's mum and your children's grandmother, to cut her off would be hurting your family.
You're upset over your mum, talk to someone who will support you. I don't think this has really anything to do with your mil and you're putting your misplaced anger on her.
All the best OP, I'm sorry about your mum. I lost my amazing dad recently to cancer and I understand your anger.

I'm very sorry about your mum's diagnosis and wish you all the best.

I would stop facilitating the relationship with your MIL and leave it up to your DH. If he doesn't bother or can't do this because he is away so often, your MIL will be the one that loses out on her relationship with her grandchildren.

Many DILs are more hostile, have higher expectations than men do, of their in laws.
You are grieving at the moment. It is hard to acknowledge that your mother is so sick but your MIL is healthy.
When my father died unexpectedly, I found it really difficult to see my FIL ( semi blind, with dementia and living in a care home) because he was alive and my father was dead. I never told anyone. I was ashamed. The feeling passed within six months and I felt loving and affectionate to my FIL once more. I think it is natural to feel angry but I really wouldn’t act on it. Your anger will fade in time.
causing unnecessary conflict with your MIL will put a strain on your marriage. In the end you will suffer. Try hard to see the bigger picture.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/nov/30/women-family?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Thank you all.
This issue is just the final straw really, it’s been a long 10 years of trying my hardest to build the relationship.
I do understand the resentment that someone suggested that she is well and my mum who is amazing and can’t do enough for her family is going through something so traumatic.
I have spoke to DH how I feel and he accepted that if wants our children to have a relationship he will need to do it all as I’m not able to be in her company, at least for now.
I just feel any decent human being would send a message of support when you hear such awful news so she has to be some kind of monster to not even bother to do that.
Our children have my parents and my DH’s dad and stepmum who are the best grandparents to our beautiful babies so they don’t even ask about her anymore.

Your husband told his mother, not you. She might think it's inappropriate to contact you, as though she's just fishing for information, It's a shame your mum is ill, but it is amazing just how well people can recover these days.

What would you have done if you were told by someone else that your MIL is ill?

I think you're understably upset over the situation with your mum, and whilst I think stepping back a little - in the sense of it being DHs job to facilitate a relationship with his mother - is very different to cutting her out.

If you had reached out to her yourself and she shut you down i might feel differently, but she might feel that since you've not reached out it's better to give you space. I dont think its a MiL's job to be that kind of support to a DiL, unless there is a very close relationship in place (which by your own admission, there isn't)...