I left. It was the right decision, wasn’t it?

[WheresMyOtherSock]

Name change as some details can be outing to those who know me.

Background - DP and I had been together for a few years but known each other many, many more. Of course, at the start things were great. I was then forced out of my rental home (about 1.5 years into the relationship) and so DD(5) and I moved in with DP. Far sooner than I would have liked, but I was struggling to find anywhere else due to having a dog and needed a home.

We were in Spain together a couple of weeks ago, and that holiday caused the end of our relationship. Nothing particularly bad happened, I’d just had enough and told him it was over. Of course I’m upset, but his reaction says otherwise. Having said that, this isn’t about his reaction. At the time I felt awful, and hoped we could talk things through but he wasn’t interested. He then did a 180° and suggested therapy, said we could work on things but I said no because of how cold he had been and the fact we had ‘worked’ on things before.

My issues are that his prefers his friends and drink over me and DD - which he said would not be the case when we first got together otherwise I’d have never introduced DD to him.

He drinks to excess multiple times a week, but says this isn’t a problem as it’s just how he socialises - I disagree and after growing up with an alcoholic father am very cautious of excessive drinking.

He has no patience with DD, and our parenting styles are wildly different. He has no kids, so this is very new for him, but he just has no patience with her and is so strict (I am also strict, but he is next level). He also complains she never wants to spend time with him, but he’s quite simply never at home when she is because he goes to the pub multiple times a week and then socialises over the weekend.

There’s no intimacy, no affection, nothing.

DD and I have come away with the dog, we’ve been gone 5 days. He’s asked about the dog once but otherwise nothing. He then told me yesterday that he’s putting the house on the market which is totally out of the blue, considering I have always wanted to leave the city we are in and move somewhere rural but he wouldn’t even discuss the possibility of leaving his house (fair enough) but is now selling up. DD and I are just going through referencing to move to a gorgeous rural town so we will be out of his house soon anyway.

I’m laying here now starting to wonder if I made a mistake by leaving.. logically I know I haven’t, but something in me always wants to fight for the things I love(d?). I’m doing the right thing for DD and I, aren’t I?!

You’re doing the right thing. 100%.

Move to your rural location and focus on you, DD and the dog. IF, and this is a big IF… he changes and proves himself to you (without DD being involved at all) over the next 2years, by all means reconsider. Spoiler alert - he won’t. He won’t even sell his house. He will be at the pub within two weeks.

Thank you for the reassurance. At present, DD isn’t aware that anything is different. When she is home after summer clubs/her DF etc we just go about as we always have done around her. Once everything is signed off on the new house, I’ll tell her. I honestly don’t think I’ll hear from him again once we have moved. Even if I do, hopefully being out of the situation will reassure me that I don’t want that for us anymore.

I also don’t believe he will sell the house. And 2 weeks is generous, I don’t think he’s spent an evening at home since we got back from Spain 2 weeks ago!

Definitely doing the right thing!

Read back what you have written and then read it again. You sound rather miserable and who can blame you. This will also have an effect on your DD. There is literally nothing positive for you both in your post.

Do this and don't look back! Then congratulate yourself for being strong, for not accepting this life anymore for you both.

Wish you all the luck with your relaxing new life.

Op please stay strong. You are 100 % doing the right thing. It won’t be all plain sailing living alone with your dd, but so much better than staying in a relationship with someone with whom you share no intimacy or affection, who is emotionally cold, and who is overly strict and intolerant with your dd? Who also has a drink problem? He is hardly God’s gift to women by the sound of it!

You have tried reconciling before, you moved in with him prematurely; don’t go and compound this situation by flogging a dead horse.

He has realised that you are serious, which is why he is suddenly back-tracking, probably because he likes to be in control and calling the shots. Be careful when you do leave op that he doesn’t turn nasty. Make sure that you and your dd are safe, especially when he has been drinking, Get some outside help from family and friends to help you move out if you are able, when the time comes.

Look at his actions op, don’t listen to his words. He is showing you who he is by being out with his friends drinking multiple times a week and at weekends. He wants a little woman and child at home to call himself a family man, without changing his lifestyle.

Stick to your guns op, hang in there. You are doing absolutely the best thing for yourself and your dd. I don’t think he is really intending to sell his house either. And his drinking will get worse.

It’s a bit concerning that you are questioning if getting rid of a man such as you describe, who is living in the same house as your daughter and is not even her father, is a mistake.

You should have got out as soon as he crossed the boundaries of being ‘next level’ strict and having no patience with your DD, or even without that which is bad enough, when you noticed he was drinking to excess at least.

Well done for getting there though.

Please don’t inflict another man like this on your child.

Thank you for all of the replies. I was expecting a flaming but everyone has been so supportive.

I know when written down it sounds like I’ve lost my mind for even being with him to start, I suppose it’s always a ‘rose tinted glasses’ situation at the time.

I do feel ashamed for DD having to be involved in this, it’s a huge regret, however I’m just glad I’ve realised this so early on.

What triggered this on holiday was the fact that he had ‘buddied up’ with some couples we met when we arrived on day one, and spent 70% of his time with them either at the bar or relaxing on a sunbed whilst I entertained DD and made sure she had a great holiday. We had promised her we would take her to an entertainment venue one night, however whilst I was getting DD showered and down for a holiday afternoon nap (love those!) he had decided that we were all going out into town for dinner with his friends.. I put my foot down here. We had made a promise to DD so I wasn’t going back on that. I’ve no idea what he told them all when he went down and explained that I’d say DD and I weren’t going, but when I saw them all later that evening they were all ‘are you ok???’ And holding me in a supportive way. I did ask and he just said he told them he forgot we had said we were taking DD out.

writing it all down really helps. If someone else, or for forbid DD in 30 years was writing this, I’d think she were insane for wondering if this was the right thing to do.

I don’t think you deserve a flaming although this is the internet so you might get a randomer judging you. Ignore them.
It’s normal to have doubts but you’ve been brave to leave an unhealthy relationship that didn’t serve you or your DD. Stay strong and build a happy life for you both. You’ll look back in the future and know you did the right thing. Best of luck.

You are definitely doing the right thing for your dd.

@WheresMyOtherSock jeeze do NOT change your mind . He is actually dangling a carrot staing he is selling up .
aIts very manipulative and he isn’t even having an adult convo about it.

please leave as you can give you and your Dd the life you crave. He’s a toxic mess

The drinking - relationship with your daughter - lack of affection: You know you made the right call, it’s something that was never going to get better and would probably get worse. Hold your head up. Hope the house move goes smoothly, well done for addressing the issues in the only realistic way, not brushing them under the carpet. Just need to find that other sock, and all will be good 😆

I’ve just gotten back from DD, DDog and I’s 4 days away. He said he had ‘sorted the garden and some of the house in prep for valuations’ and let me confirm, he has not. The bins are full of takeaway boxes and his bedside table is full of cans and bottles of fizzy drink and rennies - so he’s obviously been very hungover cause that’s his hangover cure.

I know there are a million reasons why leaving is the right thing to do, and maybe the silence from being away had allowed me to question my choice but coming back to the evidence he’s been drinking since I left, and that he’s out again now (apparently just left as we returned) at the pub shows me everything I need to know.

I’m with the landlord tomorrow to hopefully get the tenancy agreement in place and then move in date will be the 9th. Onwards and upwards, in an absolutely gorgeous part of the country 🥰

Of course you did the right thing.

You need to block this man and stop communicating with him. He's horrible.

You need to stop thinking anything about this relationship and concentrate on yourself and DD.

Honestly good luck get that tenancy signed tomorrow, your definitely doing the right thing op