Looks like DH has bipolar - I am so sad...

[Nooneshome]

Been with DH 11 yrs, married 6. 2 kids aged 5 and 2. Me 17 wks pregnant. We both aged 36. Things going great until adult stresses started to get to us eg work, building project, sleepless nights and his first breakdown 15 months ago. We hoped this was a one off. He was in a private mental hospital for 5 wks then convalesed at home for a few months, got over the exhaustion and then seemed fine. He stopped taking medication about 8 months ago and all was well until about 2 wks ago. He was thinking about returning to work. Then tell tale signs but nothing as obviously wrong and spectacularly dramatic as last time.

Had a week of cat and mouse with me admitting him to hospital, him denying anything wrong and leaving - he was not then ill enough to be sectioned, probably is now. He is now more accepting of being in hopsital and taking medication but mentally is unrecognisable as my husband. Have mananged to keep it from kids by saying Daddy working away - they remember when he was working prior to his first breakdown that he was away a lot.

His father is difficult character, helped a lot last time but this time has just got really angry and let out a torrent of abuse against me essentiallly saying I have caused this. This has really upset me, I am furious that he could add that kind of stress to all I have to deal with already. I am really worried how his comments will affect my/my husband's and kids' relationships with the parents inlaw in future. I feel his comments were full of hatred for me and unforgivable.

But more than this I am just so sad about our future. I come from 2 broken homes and so wanted to have a much better family life for my own kids. I always went for very stable boyfriends with still married parents t o combat the dysfunction that I come from. I love my husband so much even though we've had marital difficulties this last year. I so want to be with him for the sake of our kids and his and mines sake as well but am just scared about what we all face. I feel so lonely that he is not here, I miss him so much and am increasingly feeling so sad and tearful.

when my sis was first admitted she also was covered by bupa,or else she would never of been able to go there as its so expensive,part of bi-polar is that the person gets delusions of grandeur and spend money they dont really have on completely stupid things.She was in there for three months and at first we were not allowed any contact at all.The awful thing is that she met another patient in there and they had a fling so that when she came home she then seperated from her dh of 25 yrs and they ended up getting divorced.But whilst they were together she used to show him up in restaurants by drinking too much wine ,then dancing around the place [ when having a high]but then there were the awful lows when it was very hard goin to know how to handle her.We agreed to allow ourselves to disagree as i didnt agree with lots of things she did or said.She has been in bupa twice but if it crops up again she is n longer covered since she has divorced,she would have to go to a nhs unit and i know she wont like that.

there is no quick fix to this but i can tell you ,it does get better ,it just takes a while.Its a very difficult illness to nderstand and if you feel up to it i would look up everything you can about it ,then you may understand why he does the things he does.Also you will be better prepared.

if i can help you in anyway i will be pleased to.

Mummylin - in most areas there are now 'crisis and home treatment teams' these are quite new and are aimed at reaching people before they are at the point of needing admitting so they don't end up so ill that they need to be in a unit.
The key is catching them before it's too bad. Many people with Bi polar show triggers or signs that they are heading for a high.

as i posted in an earlier post ,my sis has just been told she is ok and does not have to see her physciatrist [sp] again .Its a great thing to be told after a 4 yr struggle for her to get well ,its happened twice now but maybe it will never happen again.Fingers crossed for her.it is incredibly hard to watch someone go through this.

I tried the home visit/ crisis team last time. They were nice and calm and sat and listened to his irrational rantiing without comment which calmed him. But they wouldn't do anything to control him. He wanted to walk naked several miles through London to a major art gallery and I just wasn't prepared to let him do things like that so took him to hospital where he was followed non stop for 3 weeks. This time I tried shadowing him for 2 days and was exhausted - I'm pregnant and going off walking at 5am is not what I need. He talked about dissapearing forever and withdrew £10,000 cash out of the bank and I was petrified that harm would come to him so again took him back to hospital. He is so bad I just do not see how he can be looked after in the community,not without even more damage being caused to his family. His parents are absolutely distraught by this and I don't think they could have handled any more than they did over the last couple of weeks.

I will get BUPA to cover this I am sure. I'll go to the BBC and courts if I have to but next time we won't be covered - they only cover 2 inpatent stays of more than 7 days. I also think we will have to sue them on another policy related to the illness where they are wriggling out of it. Thereafter we will have to pay ourselves. I can't imagine the NHS helping. Last time he was assessed as not being dangerous to himself or others and was released for me to deal with. I am still disgusted by that - he was so sick and was obviously in need of an inpatient therapeutic envirionment.

I remember years ago we were sitting in a restaurant and a naked man walked by not in any distress but in a crazy world of his own. Poor poor man we agreed. Well my DH is in a similar state.

Thanks for your messages that it will get better. I'm sure it will. It did last time. He appeared to make a complete recovery for 8 months. This time we know he has to keep taking the tablets.

Its just the short term I am so worried about. We were already having marital difficulties. He is introducing me to everyone in hospital as his ex wife and talks daily about the terms of the divorce settlement. I try to ignore him but its plain that it is damaging me. Plus I know he is going to be very distant for months when he gets out. Baby's due in November and I just imagine myself exhausted and thoroughly p**d off by it then that I will bail out causing harm to all. I'm wracked with guilt and think too much but just know I've not been happy for a while anyway and don't know how much more I can tolerate. I really love him and am so concerned for him. But I care about myself a fair bit too.

I know it's hard but get your finances separated asap. You really need to protect your home and your children.

He will not get better quickly and his spending will be a constant issue.

Sorry to be full of doom but a firend has bipolar and cleaned the family out TOTALLY so they had the baliffs in the house - and without being class-ist - they are a professional couple with an excellent income. She just didn't think he'd ever be that cavalier with their money.

i feel so sorry for your situation ,i found it hard and i dont have young children to worry about.yet alone being pregnant too.It really does sound like he is best off in hospital.At least this will give you some breathing space and you will also know that your dh is geting the help he needs which will be a huge relief for you.I cant say i was all sweetness and light after my sis came out,indeed it was a ong while before she actuall started having normal days.But of course your dh may be completely different and respond to his medication well.It is terrible position for you both to be in ,for you because you are left to keep everythin going at home whilst seein to your children and worrying about your dh and for him it will be very distressing,but believe me there will be little chinks of light coming through for him eventually.My heart goes out to you all because i know how upsetting this illness can be.i wish you and dh all the very best in the coming weeks and hope you get all the help that is available.

i am really eager to get in touch with nooneshome as my husband has been diagnosed as bipolar and i am cracking up. hope you pick up this message

I just wanted to quickly say that my SIL is/has bipolar and the family went through a very very tough time with her. Once they found the right medication, it worked miracles for her. She is married, has a demanding job and they are thinking about having children. We never ever thought she would be well enough for anything like the life she has now and personality-wise, she is no different to how she was before it all began. It did take time but it was by no means the end. I know everyone has different experiences but I wanted to post a 'positive' one IYSWIM.

thank you, E, for your kind words. i fear i just can't face a life of this sort. i find it hard to even feel sorry for him much of the time. if you hear via your SIL about anyone in my position please let me know. d

I don't have much to add but did not want to ignore your posts I suffer from a depressive mental ilness and although I don't have psychotic episodes I do the manic spending. Dp has complete control of my bank account and I have no access to credit.

Bupa can be a nightmare with paying for mental health bills. We had to remortgage the house to pay for my bills. The nhs provision in London is among the best in the country though, we only had to use private faclities when we moved up north where they were non existant. Admittedly I don't have psychotic episodes but my family have a very good lif even with my illness. The only great sadness for us is the fact we can't have any more children because of my illness. I do sometimes feel guilty that dp does not have a normal partner.