Affair

[verbinabonarias]

My husband had a four month affair with a narcissist woman, this was nearly five years ago, but it won’t leave me. I am wondering if I should muster the courage to tell him we should end our relationship, but then consider how much I enjoy his company , and that we have three adult children who appreciate us being together. I worry that I’d be making a life changing decision that would end up in a great loss

Well you never get over it. And you stayed so there’s no reason to assume he won’t do it again as there weren’t many lasting consequences last time.

What do you get from staying? vs Living with a a cheat forever?

It's very difficult to get over an affair and it may still be with you in another ten years. From what I've read online, people in your position are happier when they separate.

Try the Surviving Infidelity website.

Yes the OW was the narcissist. Not your lying cheating husband.

Well that’s the problem. I know she is a narcissist, my mother is, and it always feels like I’m making excuses for aa you say, my lying cheating husband. It’s a terror.

Mn is not the place for this. LTB will be the response and your “standards” or “low bar” will be spat at you. Leaving him may well be the right thing to do, but staying with some therapy could be too. Agree with PP. Have a look at Surviving Infidelity. A lot of help there. Good luck xx

Sorry but what does his OW being, or not being, a narcissist have to do with him having an affair?
He chose to cheat on you. He had free will. She didn't force him to be unfaithful to you.
As others have said your marriage will never be the same again.
Personally I couldnt " enjoy his company" because I would always be thinking of him and her together.
If you chose to stay please let it be for a better reason than your adult children expecting you to.

As I said, this isn’t the place for you op. Why others want to stick the boot in whilst you are already suffering is something I do not understand.

You won’t get a fair hearing here.

Please take yourself to surviving infidelity and their reconciliation forum. I suspect you both haven’t been doing the work to heal and he hasn’t done the work to help you feel safe again. It’s a huge undertaking and it’s hard hard going.

Just for the record my biggest hurdle in staying was my own shame. Once I stopped giving a flying monkeys what anyone thought of me and saw reconciliation as just the happier path for me, that’s when I found peace.

Try therapy/ counselling OP, if you haven’t already. Even going to Relate as an individual could help you work through your thoughts and make a rational decision one way or the other.

@Furrylittlesweetpotatoes You mention shame: may I ask - did you have an affair and is that why you feel shame, or do you feel shame because an affair happened to you? In either circumstance, shame can be misplaced. I hope you don't mind me asking; I realise (only too well) these things are very personal.

Have you had any therapy or counselling?

You still seem to have anger towards her, but she isn’t the one who betrayed you. Unless you already knew her? How did the affair end and how did you find out?

Does it ever come up in conversation with your husband? Or does he carry on as if nothing ever happened?

I was the betrayed. It’s years ago now and long in the past. But I struggled for a long time with the shame I felt for staying. Not for his affair, that was on him, but for not being an excellent example to strong women, my family, friends etc etc. I had to wrestle with the fact that reconciliation was the thing that would make ME happiest against what I felt society/modern viewpoints wanted for me. At the end of the day I decided to put ME first and from then I could reconcile with my husband without shame. Hope that makes sense.

edited to add, threads like this one did not help. People think they’re being helpful but perpetuating the shame is actually really harmful and stops a betrayed getting the help and support they need for a safe reconciliation.

Thats why I agree that surviving infidelity is the best bet for someone who is here looking for support after infidelity.

It’s completely understandable that this still weighs on you, betrayal leaves deep marks, even years later. Wanting to leave and wanting to stay can exist at the same time.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you deserve space to work through the pain maybe with a therapist or family.
Whatever you choose, make sure it’s from a place of self-respect.
So sorry OP

How is my post " sticking the boot in" ? What a strange reaction to what I've said.

It's a comment on what OP has described in her posts.

What is the point in starting a thread if an OP doesnt want opinions?

This absolutely!!

I knew I wanted to reconcile, but was embarrassed that people thought i had so low self esteem, as i stayed.
Giving up caring about people's opinions was the catalyst that really helped me.

You'll not get a balanced view here, survivinginfidelity.com is full of great resources.

Its hard work, but Im pleased we stayed together, and are very happy

Not strange at all, if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence.

What are you talking about? Why are you taking such offence when I have said nothing offensive ?
You appear to be trying to police the thread.
OP has every right to, and should, disregard posts that are not helpful to her. But that's up to her to decide.

Yet you cannot seem to explain it and are deflecting by being passive aggressive.
I also found it a strange, out of proportion reaction. Nothing nasty was said to the OP.

If it's been nearly 5 years and you're not over it then you probably never will be. The healthiest thing for yourself to do would be to end it.

What makes you label her a narcissist???