Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please quite quickly. Multiple overseas affairs

14 replies

ByLimeAnt · 26/07/2025 16:55

My husband has been cheating for years but refuses to admit it. He's half American and has to do regular trips to Seattle so has plenty of opportunities. When I present evidence (a couple of girlfriends contacted me on Instagram to ask why I was having an affair with their partner), he denied it all, says she is a stalker/platonic friend/whatever.

I applied to divorce him last year and it is dragging like mad because he is refusing to respond to my solicitor. I keep having to pay for process servers and it goes to court next month.

He refuses to discuss it, the divorce or anything really. Just pretends it hasn't happened. I contribute more than twice what he does into the joint account because he says he is in debt. One of the girlfriends says he had paid for an educational course and I found financial statements relating to potential purchase of a flat in another Canadian city. I'm not sure if he had bought it,.

On Tuesday my adult son was contacted by a girlfriend of his father. She sent photos of them clearly as a couple, a video of them reuniting at the airport etc.

I don't know why she did this and really don't care.

He's back tomorrow and is at home for a week before spending 2 months in the Toronto office. I haven't said anything yet.

My plan is to wait until he is in Toronto and then forward him the pictures and ask him to engage with my solicitor. I can't stop him coming home as both our names are in the mortgage. I'm hoping this will shove him to complete the divorce. I dont hold out much hope which is why I'm posting for advice here.

I cannot risk talking to him. He's not a reasonable man and people don't seem to understand that which is so frustrating. He has form for emotional abuse and I think this is financial abuse as well. The mental health team (depression) did a safeguarding referral for me as a vulnerable adult. He had been physically violent towards inanimate objects (punched wall next to my face and broke his hand. He told me that was my fault).

I don't know what he has told his parents but his mother is now very cold towards me. We only see them once a year but we were both very fond of each other and it hurts.

All I want is to put the house on the market and get divorced.

Please, has anyone got any good ideas as to how I handle this?

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 26/07/2025 16:58

Are you based in the US or does he just travel overseas for work?

Posted too soon. What has your solicitor said to do next?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 26/07/2025 17:00

I have no idea what's going on as he has been served. You can force the sale of the house. Either you're missing out chunks of information or your lawyer is crap.

ExtraOnions · 26/07/2025 17:36

You are already Divorcing him … so you need to emotionally, as well as legally, detach.

You don’t love him, the relationship is over.. it’s kinda doesn’t matter if he’s shagging someone else, he’s not your problem anymore.

Just make sure you get your finances sorted

madroid · 26/07/2025 17:51

Go out for that week as much as you can - stay with a friend if possible.

Don't engage - grey rock the fuck out of him (ie don't rise to anything likely to be controversial/be non-committal/agree mildly eg 'I expect you're right/I see/we'll see/ I see what you you are saying) - just don't enter into any conversation really.

Emotionally I agree with the poster above - you need to detach. Observe how he behaves/manipulative tactics/sliding facts etc.

DON'T do any housework for him. None. And certainly don't share a bed. Tell him you have a bad back or something if you need to avoid confrontation on that one.

I'd be concerned about your adult son - he must be very upset and angry on your behalf.

Shout at your solicitor - what's taking so long? Get that house valued and on the market as soon as he leaves.

You can do this! Just get through the week.

unsync · 26/07/2025 18:26

What is your jurisdiction?

Stop paying into the joint account.

Speak to your solicitor.

ByLimeAnt · 26/07/2025 19:53

Sorry, divorce going through UK court as I am English and only go there to visit family.

Not really solicitor's fault. Last year I kept giving him time, then more time to respond to her. Then I realised that it was not going to be amicable and something we can work on together, so just taking formal route. We had to try mediation. I met with her and after she met with him she pretty much said, I'm not doing that again hence court order. Conditional order was granted in May and court date set for September.

I can't just put the house in the marke, much as i would love to! Both our names are on the mortgage. I have had estate agents round to value it though.

Emotionally- how can I detach when my sons are distraught that he denied being their father? (Girlfriend thought DS was godson. His father had him as phone screensaver and told her he did not have children). He's devastated.

I don't love their father any more so he can't hurt me.

I just hope by texting him it might light a fire under him. I'm also sending the evidence to his parents. I just want out asap.

OP posts:
ByLimeAnt · 26/07/2025 19:55

Joint account is for mortgage and bills. Only I have access to it.

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 26/07/2025 19:55

Change the locks.

ByLimeAnt · 26/07/2025 20:04

MeganM3 · 26/07/2025 19:55

Change the locks.

I can't risk him getting aggressive. He certainly wouldn't just leave it there.

OP posts:
Duckyfondant · 26/07/2025 20:13

I was going to suggest sending the evidence to his parents. Maybe they can talk some sense into him

JohnofWessex · 26/07/2025 20:17

You can get an order excluding him from the matrimonial home

JohnofWessex · 26/07/2025 20:19

If he's playing silly buggers you can apply to court for permission to serve papers on him in other ways eg to his work

MillyTheMoo · 26/07/2025 20:27

Your solicitor can force him to sell and exclude him from the marital home. Get a free 30 min consultation with other solicitors, do not allow this to drag on and affect your and DS anymore.

DurinsBane · 27/07/2025 00:01

MeganM3 · 26/07/2025 19:55

Change the locks.

She can’t legally, he owns half the house

New posts on this thread. Refresh page