Toxic dad- stepping away

[TheAquaPoster]

hi I’m just looking for some advice and wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar.
Bit of a backstory and I feel like I need to really offload and tell someone that doesn’t know me
my parents relationship has always been awful, very violent when we was younger (my dad being the violent one) many times the police would be called he’d be taken to calm down and then sent back to the family home. Where each time nothing was done but he’d get more confident in his bullying and violent behaviour, because in his eyes he’s untouchable.
my mum stayed I think through fear and also because he made her and even myself believe we was all he had. My mum was in a bad place when she met my dad and he likes to constantly remind her of this and how he “saved her”.
other incidents that stick out from when we was younger were:

• him making me eat my dinner off the floor
• he Drummed it into me from a young age he was all I had- let me believe my whole life my mum didn’t love me only him.
• in rows he’d make me choose between them and if I picked my mum he would say I lost him forever and he wouldn’t be there when I get home from school. This really affected my school life
• smashed up the house and garden furniture because we interrupted him whilst he was on the computer- having an online affair.

as I’ve become an adult, having my own relationship and 3 children of my own. I’ve learnt this was NOT normal behaviour. And actually he’s an extremely floored nasty bully.

he has ruined his whole family- they hate him! He randomly sends them disgusting messages early hours of the morning on a family holiday last year he attacked my uncle it was horrific! My poor mum I’m currently trying to help her find somewhere to live along with my adult sister who will be going with her. He’s also now drinking which has made his actions 10x worse

to the outside world he’s like the most amazing person but his wife, children, sisters, brother, even his mum (sadly passed) and extended family they see the monster that he is.
more recently:
. Hes threatening to kill people
. Put cameras up in the house to record conversations between my mum and sister and me if I’m there. He would record and sit and watch from upstairs for hours. They are walking on egg shells. Even now the camera has been removed by my sister.
. My mum is vulnerable and sadly very disabled with osteoporosis and a broken spine and he’s just vile to her.
. sends sexual messages to women in the street claiming it wasn’t him his phone was hacked (always that excuse). Even told me how a women on holiday wanted to sleep with him I felt sick and told him to stop.

long story short- on Wednesday evening he sent a vile message to his sister who has nothing to do with him. He then stupidly when I asked him what was going on sent a message meant for me to my aunt saying “honestly I have no idea who sent that disgusting message. I don’t even have her number on my phone”
so literally dropped himself in it!
he then for the next 2 hours sent myself and my sister who was at work at the time messages about how we’ve lost the plot, how he’s the victim in all of this.
I then really caught him out by sending the proof…..
he never replied and then that evening myself and my sister on the chat with him got sent 4 photos admitting he lied and literally slagging everyone off in it, about how’s it’s their fault. And ended it like a letter ending his life saying he loves us but has no future anymore. He then disappeared from the house with his phone turned off. Understandably myself and my sister were going out of our minds despite everything we wouldn’t want anything like that to happen. We dropped everything to go and drive round to places he could be.
we couldn’t find him anywhere, for him to literally walk through the door as if nothing has happened. He couldn’t understand why we were annoyed and how sick what he did was all he kept saying was “well did you read it”.

I’ve taken the long over due decision that I can’t have him in my life any longer, I feel selfish because my mum and sister still have to live there (we’re currently trying to find them somewhere to live) he’s not good for my mental health, my children (making digs at them saying to my asd daughter for not wanting to go out with him “do you not love me anymore? Are we not friends?”), my relationship and I need to call it a day.

please tell me if you’ve had experience sadly in this and how you done it? And how it’s played out

thankyou in advance

It is easy for me to say but you are doing the right thing. My husband’s father is very similar and the situation was somewhat similar except my mother in law loved him to the end.

You leaving the relationship behind is your best chance of recovery and on top of walking away some good therapy could be really useful for you.

Thankyou I really appreciate your reply, you are definitely right. I will definitely look into some therapy. I’ve used therapy before (anxiety) and it really did help.

funnily enough when I was younger I had councelling he used to take me and when I come out he would quiz me on if I told them how much he does for me and how much my mum starts at home.

he’s literally controlled everything for us all. I feel it’s definitely going to be weight lifted. I just hope I can help my mum and sister find somewhere quick so they don’t have to stay there.

Do not feel selfish here, there is no need. Your dad is abusive and remains volatile. You indeed need to protect both yourself and your children from him. No contact is just that.

Is your mum still married to your dad?.

It may well be that your mother will not feel able to leave your dad for what are her own reasons. She was indeed targeted deliberately by him years ago to abuse her. She has a choice re him even now. Her boundaries have certainly been further skewed by this man.

You may have more success in actually getting your other sister away from there. Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.

Contacting NAPAC could help you. What happened to you was not your fault in any way and you did not drive him to abuse you.

Your mother and sister could potentially go into a refuge. Contacting Women’s Aid would also be of benefit to you.

Thankyou for replying, yes sadly she is still married to him. And also come to think of it when you say targeted you are exactly right. We’ve all said he goes for vulnerable people he has a type… he likes the power he has over saving them or helping them. And when that’s stopped, no longer needed or they reject his advances he turns nasty.

the lady across the road from them, she was younger than myself had moved there after her partner passed away. He then would help with watering her plants when she went on holiday etc and abused this position by sending the sexual messages and tried to blame his phone being hacked. The lady on holiday was apparently widowed with her teenage son (he went on holiday alone). On a family holiday he made a bizarre extremely close friendship with another women who had apparently been going through a hard time. He thinks every women fancies him, my neighbours were apparently giving him the eye-completely false!

my mum when she met my dad didn’t have a great relationship with her mum, had come out of a messy breakup/engagement and recovering from an eating disorder.

my mum seems pretty set on her decision, as she says she’s lost so much family because of him she can’t bare to lose anymore. We’d never leave her, but she fears that. She’s an amazing nanna who dotes on her grandchildren despite being in extremely poor health.

whilst I know I’m not at fault deep down, he’s done an amazing job at controlling all of us and there’s constantly a little voice telling me different and to go see him and sort this. I just need to stay level headed this is for the best

Thankyou, this was a suggestion I put to them to contact women’s aid. My mums biggest fear is where they will put her. She’s now pretty much a full time wheel chair user, she’s 60 but sadly her health rapidly declined about 2 years ago after a fractured spine she’s now completely bent over. Has osteoporosis and fractures all over her body. She’s prone to falls and has muscle spasms without any notice which cause her to collapse