End of the road?

[Cupofchai22]

Not sure what to do here and I'm potentially in the process of going down the divorce route. Myself and DH together for 15 years. Married for 12 of those. I was his first love whereas I had been in several LT relationships before.

DH has made some mistakes during our marriage bordering on control/psychological/emotional abuse. This has not been consistent through the marriage but enough occasions for me to fall out of love. I have no respect for him. We are just friends.

Ashamed to say we have not been intimate for over 10 years so this gives you an idea. We have 2 DS age 13 and 15.

Have considered separation over many times, the kids and finances, having that economic stability has been important as my family are all overseas.

I know this marriage isn't right.Is this what happens as marriages go on?

After the last form of verbal attack from him (which as I say doesn't happen often) I decided enough was enough and started to consider getting my ducks in a row and book legal advice. We have a joint mortgage.

I realise the grass isn't greener but living alone in peace and calm could be? do I jeopardise all i have in my home with my DS as I know my DS will want to leave with him - they all have similar personalities.

I know nobody can make a decision here for me but any support, hand hold would be really nice.

OP so sorry to hear you are in this situation.

As someone who endured a very similar first (!! clue there...) marriage, you are doing the right thing by separating properly.

You say you're "just friends" but if you have no respect for him, you're not even that.

If you need a sort of moral guilt trip to grind your gears into action, reflect on the messages this is giving your DC about what a normal marriage looks like!

No one can tell you what happens next, but in this situation you just have to throw up all the cards and let them land where they may. It will be incredibly painful and difficult, but life will go on, and things will improve over time.

Just as an example, one of the fears that kept me trapped in that marriage was fear that my DH might not survive a split, as he depended on me for everything (which probably, along with his relationship inexperience, explained why he used underhand tactics to control me into staying). What actually happened over the next 3 decades is that he had more relationships, grew up more than he ever would had we stayed together, and we can now reflect pleasantly (by email!) on the time we once had, with little jokes acknowledging what went wrong.

I'll never stop recommending this book on MN - it helped me enormously, especially the exercises at the end. Have a read of the sample and see if it resonates with you.

Good luck! 💗

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Heal-Broken-Heart-ebook/dp/B08NCNFF8T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10TWNAW78YXZ7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3i-ifBMWMhQfFdjPYYIOYGWHPw6bb8jcLUdU1hG-fcHMmCSlKCotzPUDlF3_YAMK.BiIadHH3bHK6Op2keX3Mqe6UMe4xT7Y7spg5o5mtjQk&dib_tag=se&keywords=coming+apart+daphne+rose&qid=1753522690&sprefix=coming+apart+dap%2Caps%2C76&sr=8-1

Thanks @Beachtastic I am sorry you experienced similar too, truly i am. I guess I really need a kick up the backside. I am so positive, resilient and calm and generally due to life traumas unrelated to my marriage I just want a quiet life. I appreciate this isn't the right thing.

Thank you for the recommendation of the book. I am (trying to) read a book 'Too good to leave too bad to stay' which was recommended.

I will first have my legal appointment and then perhaps some frank and calm conversations are needed.

Thank you.

Being positive, resilient and calm is going to help you a LOT with rebuilding your life. I promise you, you'll be fine.

A word of caution about that "Too Good/Bad" book... I read it cover to cover in secrecy one night and just felt more confused than ever! 🤣 Mainly because the red flags it mentioned were balanced by "but it's OK if..." and I had got into the habit of trying to look on the bright side.

I can save you the bother and assure you that you're doing the right thing ending this marriage. You recognise some of the issues now, but many of them will not become apparent to you for some time (after ending it) because your perspective within it is skewed.

Edited to add: There is NOTHING wrong with wanting a quiet life! In my view, there is nothing more important than peace of mind.

Haha 🤣...thank you. I'm only on page 32 so I've taken your advice and put the book aside as I have been also reading it secretly on my Kindle. I'll look at the book you recommended but equally I think deep down I probably don't need the advice. I know what needs to be done...I guess and I think just coming here has helped.

The book I recommended is not so much a kick up the arse to leave, more a way of processing and understanding how it has become the natural next step, and learning to feel compassion for yourself and your ex. For me, this was an important part of being able to let go without guilt for being the one to walk away.

It takes a slightly different approach than many relationship books, especially nowadays when there is such a proliferation of "Are YOU with a narcissist?" bandwagon-jumping AI-generated books around!

Peace is underrated OP but not unattainable.

I think I have already processed why it is the right thing to do and the reasons to do it. I have a degree of compassion towards DH, he is after all father to my two DS. I think the point I need to come to terms with is the impact this decision is going to have on my DS, myself financially and of course leaving myself potentially vulnerable in a country which isn't my own home country. I have friends here so I should be ok but equally with strength I will get there when the time comes. Conscious I am almost 50 and really dont want to waste too many more years.

You clearly have your head screwed on, OP. Good luck with it - none of it will be easy, but it's absolutely the right way forward.

I just wanted to update my thread and look for advice if possible. My H has mentioned to me that a tutor on a workplace course he is doing has spoken to my H and suggested he may have Adhd/autism and had he thought about getting tested?

I've often thought that something isn't 'quite right' with him, at least for a while and it seems to be a possibility to me.

Feel bad for considering a divorce here but equally I've still had enough of how it has now and all the incidents and behaviours I've endured over the years.

Any opinion on what to do now?!

You don’t need to stay with someone just because they are autistic. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, and while a ND diagnosis can help some individuals understand their or their partner’s behaviour in order to help make changes it is absolutely not an excuse. You’ve had enough and want to leave, that’s enough of a reason and you don’t need permission and shouldn’t feel guilty.

The only question in my mind would be the children and the best timing for them. But if you don’t make a move now the 15 year old will be in the middle of exams followed by the 13 y/o, so you could end up trapped for another five years. That’s too long to sit it out and be unhappy.

Agree @AirborneElephant my priority is my DS's will definitely wait until the eldest has finished gcse before any kind of adjustment...another year to go but I will carry on seeking legal advice and take it from there.

In your opinion or experience @AirborneElephant timing wise what would you suggest?

Well, it depends. Is this a "aha" moment for your H andf has made him say to you that he knows he's behaved really badly for all these years and he really wants to fix it and this possible diagnosis gives him a path to making changes?

Or, more likely, is he saying that any poor behaviour is thes rsult of his supposed ND and therefore you're not allowed to be upset?

@MageQueen I always thought i would be the forgiving type but the lack of empathy and care over the years. The incidents that occurred due to controlling behaviour, the outbursts, the walking on eggshells at home, the lack of help at home, the not willing to share....I'm a firm believer in 'in sickness and in health' but what about the impact all the above has and continues to do so on my health and wellbeing.

My Dh most liekly has ADHD. And the impact can be felt. But as long as I've known him, he's had the ability to look at his behaviour and acknowledge when it's not okay, and then to do the work to try and fix it. The few small things that perhaps he finds he just can't, we've reached agreement on appropriate compromises

So I'd still leave myself. It doesn't sound liek this has ever happened and that, if anything, it will get worse due to a sense of entitlement following a diagnosis.

@MageQueen I think you make allowances dont you and I certainly have even though there's no diagnosis. Also, thats marriage isn't it to a degree compromising and making allowances but he's done nothing to manage this/his behaviour and it has really impacted my life in many nasty negative ways. I'm not sure i want to be controlled by it any more.

If you're looking for permission from the internet. Here it is:

You have permission to leave!

Good luck.