Hello just looking for advice this is a bit of a strange one I think.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we have a young child together. She has struggled with her mental health more so in the last few years and I believe this is to do with traumatic events.
she’s been friends with a co worker for 2 years now and the end of last year I felt she talked about her a lot even said she reminded her of me. For her birthday and Christmas there was lots of gifts from her to my Partner. Me and my partner began to feel distant and she didn’t even spend Christmas Day with us. At that point I knew something was going on that I wasn’t aware of. She was sniping at me and causing arguments almost like resentment. Despite my suspicions she always told me this girl was a friend and there was nothing going on. After Christmas we give it another go but I still felt the contact with this girl was inappropriate. It was every day throughout the day no matter were or what she was doing her phone was there and they were talking. My partner doesn’t have many friends and is quite a private person so I had to accept that she had a friend that she had just clicked with. Fast forward to this girls birthday. My partner went shopping with me and while there she chose this girl a birthday present, probably spending around £15-£20. The following day loads of Amazon parcels started to arrive and I had a feeling in my gut that I had to open them. Something felt off and I had the urge to find out. When I opened the parcels they were gifts towards this girl. There were play station pad, clothes, an expensive teddy bear, games. The amount came to around £180. I was so upset by this because as a family we don’t have much money at all. Maybe I shouldn’t of done the next part but I’m glad I did. That night we went to bed and my stomach was turning. I knew something was wrong. I had to check her phone. This is something I’ve never done. I read messages from them and the past few months were things like “I have two loves for you. One as a friend and the other as in another life or if we met sooner”. A lot of the messages refer to each other as best friends but there was flirting too. Getting back to December messages was were I felt sick. I wasn’t too bothered in what this girl was saying to my partner. Only what she was saying to this girl. The worst ones confessed her love to this girl telling her we’re had she been all her life. “If you wasn’t with your boyfriend I would fully attempt because your a catch”. “I don’t think I could be more in love with you”. “If you offered me to run away I would”. “I could have sat and spoke to you all night”. Along with all the compliments you could imagine. To the point that I’ve not heard my partner talk like that since we got together at the very start! There was also a lot of slagging me off for some reason I’m not sure why you’d do that but they did. A lot of my parter complaining about me and this girl kind of goading it. It was hurtful because she even mentioned to this girl that I dont initiate s*x and it’s always her and that I always say I want it but it’s only been a week.
it was all very strange and I didn’t know what was more hurtful to be honest. I confronted my partner she denied it but when I showed her the messages she told me she was going through a hard time and wasn’t herself. She told me she was drinking on one of the nights she was talking to her in December and that she was a mess during that time. I spoke to the girl too and the girl said she thinks my partner and her grew an emotional attachment during a bad time and things went too far. She said my partner felt I wasn’t there for her at that time. They didn’t physically cheat but all the betrayal is still there.
They both told me she wouldn’t leave me for this girl and that it was just something stupid thwt got out of hand.that this girl was just emotional support and the nasty things she said about me was just venting during us arguing. My partner said the gifts shouldn’t have happened and she felt she got carried away because this girl always buys her a lot. Anyway after getting both versions of events I decided to give it another go. I told my partner that she has to be honest with me and make more of an effort with us as a couple to see how things go.
I asked my partner if she was given the ultimatum who would she choose. She said “If I had to I would choose you but I wouldn’t be happy to cut her out my life because we’re best friends and what was said was a mistake”. I didn’t make her choose because the way I see it there’s not point in trying to remove temptation. If it happens it will happen. Anyway we had a break away (paid and organised by me) and seemed to feel like we’re back on track and when we got back I felt she didn’t put the effort in back. So while we’ve been distant again this girl is still messaging every day throughout the day. I checked her phone last week because I just felt I had to. This is not in my nature but given all that happened I can’t let myself get hurt. So I felt there was flirty messages from this girl but my partner not so much. Things like “im wearing the hoodie you got me in bed” and because they’re not working together anymore telling each other they miss me. One of them said this girl had gone for a job within the same company as me so will withdraw incase she sees me. Were as on the messages to me she comes across very friendly and even said she would like to meet me at some point. When they’ve spoken nasty about me it’s almost as if I’m a problem. I don’t understand this because my partners not with me against her will?
i come home from work the other day in a great mood and went to use my partners phone to order us all food. I noticed she’s changed the passcode on her phone. I asked her why. She said it creeps her out me looking at her phone when she doesn’t know. She said if you want to look at anything I’ll unlock it and give it to you but your not going through my phone without me knowing.
i Am do hurt by that because it’s not as if I had no reason to do it. She was in the wrong I just found it and now she has her phone locked from me. Now I’m unsure if I can carry on with her because this is just going to add to my insecurity and feeling of being worthless to her. Even when she’s sat with me I can see messages coming up from her on her phone but she just leaves them and I just don’t like it.
my friend said I should have given her an ultimatum but I refuse to be the reason she is miserable and I think that would just make them want to see each other more.
jn need of any advice would help. I know it’s a strange one!
thank you