Feel like my heart has just been ripped out

[YellowStarsintheSky]

Just dropped DS2 off to the old marital home with ex. Ex has just come back from a holiday with DS1 and to see them all cuddling on the sofa while I had to leave them and go back to my new house on my own was utterly horrific. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out 😔

DS1 was cuddling up to his Dad and was quite cool with me. DS1 hasn’t stayed over with me yet. It broke my heart to see his room and all his collections of things laid out.

Leaving them all to walk out in the rain was the worst thing I have ever had to do. How do you get used to the drop offs and coming home to an empty house? My heart breaks for my old family unit. I can’t stop crying 😭

I'm so sorry, it sounds heartbreaking for you, I have no answers but wanted to send you a big hug x

Why have you had to move out? Do you not have the kids at your new place?. It’s going to be hard. Change is hard. But it’s good they feel happy and secure when you aren’t with them and you can start building new memories in your new home together. Sorry you are going through this.

Oh lovely I've no experience but my best bet is:

• give yourself some time to adjust
• perhaps book something shortly after you've dropped off like a fitness class or meet a friend.
• use your alone time for something that benefits you

When is DS due to come to yours?

Thank you so much. I underestimated how hard this would be. I kept having to leave the room so they wouldn’t see me crying. To be honest I’ve been doing really well and loving my new home but being back in the old home tonight was more painful that I could have ever imagined.

I'm so sorry. I guess you are grieving for all your shattered dreams and everything you hoped for and worked towards. Its so hard 🫂

It's shit. I never stepped foot in the house again though after I left, self preservation and all. That made it slightly easier that I kept that distance. Are they old enough that you can watch them in rather than taking them in?

I left due to emotional abuse and felt it was better to have a fresh start somewhere new rather than fighting ex over who should be the one to move out. I’ve had our youngest all week and our oldest (teen) is going to need a lot of time to adjust to the idea of a new house with me (50/50) He’s seen the house now but he can’t be rushed and is extremely attached to his Dad and the family home. It’s so so hard. I’ll be taking baby steps with him, tomorrow I’ll just see him in the day and take it from there.

Teenager has been on holiday all week with his Dad, I naively thought that we could all catch up together and chat about their holiday but I wasn’t prepared for how heartbroken I would feel in the old home.

Oldest is. I don’t think it did any good being there tonight. It was too painful.

Try and be kind to yourself, it's been a painful shock tonight but hopefully next time it will be a little easier. My husband passed away in November 24 and I hated coming back to an empty house but I promise you, you will adapt and get used to your new normal. I'm fine now coming home, it's like my little sanctuary x

Don’t go inside the house ever again. That’s the bit that will have done it.

You see your kids with you doing your stuff together not in the old home with the ex, what he’s doing there’s nothing to do with you and you are building a new home and life with your kids without him.

And just remember he can no longer abuse you so life will get better, it just takes time.

It's so hard, and I am sorry you are going through this. Your pain is evident.

All I can say is, it can get easier - it certainly has for me.

I don't know what relationship you hope to have with your ex going forwards - it's different for everyone of course - I am about seven years down the line and I spent some time with my ex today with our teenage daughter and we were able to reminisce about old times in a friendky way, and it didn't feel painful at all, it just felt good, and like we have built a solid co-parenting relationship.

When we first split I could never have guessed it while ever feel so easy, natural and normal.

Counselling may help (it did for both my ex and I) - also distraction. Throw yourself into building a lovely new home for yourself and the boys. Take each day as it comes, knowing the pain will ease over time.

It will get better. You are in the eye of the storm right now. But nothing lasts forever, even suffering. Especially suffering.

Meanwhile, cut yourself some slack. It's not the end of the world if your boys see you are finding it hars. Children are people too, we don't have to shield them from all of our emotions - ira ok for them to see that you are finding it hard too.

Give yourself time and don’t go into his house. Drop your son off at the path. It will be less emotional. Hope you are ok x

Thank you. Because I was the one that left I am feeling the enormity of what I have done and what I have lost. I feel like I’ll never be ok again 😔

I keep questioning my decision even though after many posts on there many users said how it was one of the worst posts they have ever read.

You will be ok. You wouldn’t have left if you hadn’t needed to. You couldn’t have stayed. The DC will be ok- it will take your eldest time, but he’ll get there- but remember they pull away as they age anyway.

Don't forget not to show your feelings in front of your ex husband. That's just what he wants. You did the right thing in going but I know how hard it must've been 💐

OP I'm so sorry for what your going through, it is so hard even when you know you're doing the right thing.

My friend left her emotionally abusive ex and he insisted on 50/50 shared care. It was sooo hard for her to not see her children for half the week and he wouldn't allow phone calls or any contact during 'his time'. She really struggled and would often call me in tears needing reassurance that she'd done the right thing in leaving.

What helped her was filling the time - taking on extra shifts at work, exercising, keeping busy. She has a new partner who is kind, gentle and loving. She has built a new life. She now has a much closer relationship with her children than they have with their controlling father. Sadly, now the children see him for what he is.

So I just wanted to say, hang in there. This is the toughest part but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there. Lean on your friends. Fill the time away from your children as best you can. And be kind to yourself 💐

Thank you for your kind words. They give me hope. 💕 I know deep down that everything will be okay in the end but it’s so painful and raw right now. It’s mainly my teenager who is so so close to his Dad and also seeing DS’s bedroom in the old house broke me, seeing all his things laid out as he’s yet to stay over with me and none of his stuff is here yet. I feel like I’ve lost him but the rational side of me knows that that isn’t true.