How close should ex spouses be?

[Cowboysnangels]

DP's ex wife is very reliant on him. She asks for help with her finances, buying a house, car maintenance, DIY etc. She is always asking him to nip over for some reason. She also wants to discuss her dating life with him. Obviously they spend time in each others company for kids' birthdays and events too which is to be expected. I see my ex occasionally for my sons' events too. But I feel really uncomfortable with the rest. Especially because she seems to hate the very sight of me and has never spoken to me.
They have been divorced for about 3 years and separated for five. I met him a year after they split. She left him for someone else and has since split from that person.

It sounds like he does a lot for her.

My ex pays me child maintenance & we both parent the DC but he doesn’t help with any of the things you’ve mentioned. He only comes to my house to drop DC off (or occasionally to collect them).

I don’t discuss my dating life with him. The exception to that is that I’ve told him when I’m ready for our DC to meet someone I’m dating and when it’s ended.

We do spend time together for DC’s birthdays, school events, kids activities where you can watch.

It does sound like your DP does a lot for his exW.

As close as they want to be.

It sounds like she still expects him to be the man of her house besides co-parenting and letting him know she's dating.

He could shut this down if he really wanted to. Have you told him it bothers you that he's at his ex wife's beck and call? Have you told him it's a turnoff that he's so enmeshed with his ex? Is he afraid to have boundaries with his ex?

Does he have a court order for custody and maintenance?

I don’t think there is necessarily a normal, but you’re allowed to decide that you’re not comfortable with it & end a relationship for whatever reason you want to.

I’d be super uncomfortable with this. Seems they are still attached in some way and I wouldn’t want a relationship with a man who hasn’t severed his previous one.

My ex husband and I have a good co-parenting relationship and I know he would help me with the kind of things you mention if I needed him to. Not for my sake as much as for my daughter's - my wellbeing is closely connected to hers, after all.

Our relationship is purely platonic, but my last boyfriend struggled with jealousy regarding it. But in the end, it isn't going to substantially change until DD is an adult - and even then, we will still have a daughter in common, albeit a grown one, and potentially grandchildren.....

I would say that you either make your peace with it or you step away from the relationship. It's not fair, in my opinion, fo ask him to limit the support he gives his ex wife, given that they share a daughter whose wellbeing is enhanced by their excellent coparentong bond.

If they didn't have a child together, it would be a completely different ball game, but as they do, they are and always will be, a part of each others' family.

I’m divorced ( 10 years ago ) and I still talk to my ex every day. We co-parent 50/50 and we mostly talk about kids but sometimes we talk about people we are dating. He recently helped me purchase a new car. He didn’t tell his girlfriend because she wouldn’t be happy about it. It took me by surprise when he said that because I have met her several times and I thought she was ok with me. We have a close bond but only because of the children and there is absolutely nothing else going on. We parent as a unit and that includes helping each other out with anything else which affects children’s lives. I don’t think we would stay in touch if we didn’t have children but they are our priority and because of that we will help each other for their sake

we see DHs ex about twice a week, kids are grown up now but one still lives with her and whenever we see him she’s there too. It’s gone on for years now. I’ve just got on with it and when it’s all a bit much we have some discreet time off from her. She’s a good laugh and no real bother she just doesn’t have much of a life outside her kids.

I haven't explained how I feel to him. I don't want to influence things because she can be very difficult. She and I are sort of distantly related through marriage (complicated and outing!) so I know her a little independently of DP. I'm not jealous of their relationship at all. I feel very secure with DP. But it does bother me that she seems to see herself as the significant woman in his life yet won't speak to me. She will call him when he's with me and ask him to help her open her loft latch or carry in some shopping for her. She has two teenage sons, a brother and who could do most of the things she asks for.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong but this wouldn’t work for me. I also couldn’t be with someone that would expect me to put up with it. It does sound like you’re living in this woman’s shadow and he’s happy for you to.

He goes round to open her loft latch? When she lives with two teen lads? I mean why can't she open it herself for starters?

He needs to say no and until he does it's him who's in the wrong. She's not disabled. Or is she? Either way she has sons and a brother and boyfriends if there are certain things she alleged she's incapable of due to her sex.

He doesn't do these little jobs unless he is picking up the kids anyway. He tries to avoid her. I don't feel like I am living in her shadow at all. I spend much more time with him than she does. But I feel very uncomfortable with her attitude and the fact she is regularly on the phone to him.