Sexless relationship with Loving Partner - Am I being unreasonable?

[DrSpongey]

Hi Mumsnet,

I'm not really sure why I'm here or if this will even help when probably knowing deep down the answer but unwilling to confront it or do anything about it because of how emotionally charged, draining and challenging it has been.

I have been reading several posts before about various random topics in the past mostly of a woman's perspective to try to understand and envisage what my life would be, almost self destructing and manifesting negativity because of fear of not wanting to end up to go down the same path. It's also helpful to get perspective and take solace in hearing others stories knowing it could be worse. This I guess has prompted and lead me to posting this now.

I'm feeling really lost and need some objective opinions on my relationship. I'm a 36-year-old man, and my girlfriend, also 36 (37 in November) and I have been together for 20 months. She's a spiritual Muslim but not strict or practicing. We live separately and I spend most of my time going over hers to see her outside of gym, PT, football and other hobbies. We are currently looking to move in together next year once I've settled my loan on my car and will be in better place financially. She often talks about kids and marriage in infantile way because of the pressures of biological clock so any discussion is often her projecting her fears whereas I try to discuss the practicalities of how we might go about it but then she doesnt seem to really consider properly so feel she indirectly pressures me to just give answers to "what's the plan?" Without us really properly and reasonably in safe space both discussing what we need to work out. It's imminently feels she's pressuring me cause of her fears whereas I'm open to wanting to do all those things without feeling like I have to just do it all and have answers for. That puts me off more. As doesnt feel natural but I don't avoid it as I'm very open, sensitive and conscientious person and she appreciates my honest but feel she acts quite impulsive to her feelings on the moment no surprise whereas I'm a planner. She doesn't really think about how we would sort out finances and this is something I've tried to discuss with her but she just says "it will sort itself out inshallah" or "what's meant for us will happen l" and that's frustrating.

We have a genuinely loving, caring, and emotionally connected relationship. We laugh a lot, share interests, and I deeply care about her. We're both committed to making things work and want to settle down and have kids. Outside of the bedroom, things are great – we're intimate and affectionate, share domestic responsibilities, and I make a huge effort to support and cherish her.

The problem is our sex life. In 20 months, we've had sex just three times. She was a virgin, and it only happened for the first time in April this year on a trip. Then we had it second time the next day and it was great. It happen to our surprise.

This lack of sexual intimacy and quality of good sex is really starting to get to me. It's causing huge frustration, and I feel like I'm sacrificing a lot mentally and emotionally but at same time she feels she is more almost out of pettiness as a retort where it doesnt really add up or is fair representation. Almost bit gaslighty.

I always have to compromise my feelings on this, she makes out I'm demanding for requesting her to try things when I dont feel it is for wanting what is basic fulfilling sex life. I never pressured her and I have be extremely patient. I have told her way from the start it would lead to frustration if we didn't address these issues early before they become bigger things but she refused to acknowledge it. I feel she sees sex as way to conceive and that'll be it. I'll be doomed to sexless situation. But I know she won't be open to open relationship and its not what i really want deep down as want it all with her. I don't think she gets it and doesn't fathom or cross her mind how she can reasonably understand just how much I'm expected to accept. Am I being take advantage of in her sweet charming innocence of telling me all things I want to hear just to keep me but won't admit. She says it's not true and she isn't loving bombing me. That she loves me a great deal. She also tries to question my love for her out of her own insecurity sometimes.

I've continually tried to have open and mature conversations about this, but they often end with her blaming me or becoming immature and petty. She's sensitive, like me, but conversations about sex don't seem to register with her. She even blurted out that we're "sexually incompatible" in anger the other week, without any willingness to explore how we could improve things. She finds communication overwhelming.

I'm always flirty and try to make her feel desired which she denies I am but my love languageis physical touch and I am always hugging in kitchen, playful touches, kissing her on the cheek, be sillyand dancing with her then she tells me how lucky i am which really grates with me. I think she is lucky and she says itself but don't feel capacity to project my insecurities as it doesnt need to be said if you feel secure. I honestly dont get how she cannot, feels like its more about her than me considering i am very generous playful and loving kind considerate person. She even acknowledges all these qualities it just doesnt make sense or add up why she says these twisty things when that reality is im incredibly attentive as I'm massive overthinker. When it comes to actual sex, it feels like a chore for me. It's often painful for her, and despite my patience and consideration, it's not mutually enjoyable. I'm essentially "teaching" her, and while she seems to find it physically intense, I'm not getting that connection or enthusiasm back. Things like lube or saliva gross her out so I don't get stimulated in the way I would like whereas I do it for her. It makes intimacy even harder.
It feels incredibly hurtful to be made out as "demanding" when all I want is a normal, healthy sexual relationship at our age.

I've done a lot of self-reflection and therapy after a previous breakup, specifically to learn from my mistakes and build a better relationship this time which makes this all more difficult and poignant for me personally. I truly want to make this work with her, but I'm struggling with the constant frustration.
She recently came off the pill after a year without speaking to her Doctor first due to painful periods, which adds another layer of complexity when we struggled before. She tells me she loves me a lot and finds me sexy, but her way of expressing it sometimes feels inexperienced.
I worry about our future. She's pushing for marriage and kids, likely due to her biological clock. But I'm terrified that if we settle down, the sex will only get worse – I've seen enough stories on Mumsnet to know that's often the case when it's already an issue or when the Mother understandably is exhausted and struggling with hormonal changes. She gets tired now easily just after a few hours of lecturing so cant imagine how draining having a kid willbbe for her. She jokes about it but she'll probably expect me to just handle it all.

I want to be a great husband and father, not another statistic in a sexless marriage and be further unhappy with this facet of my life. I know just being single is no guarantee I'll have sex either and as know people struggling and unlikely with someone who is emotional avaliable themselves. It's hard to meet someone where there's compatible on all fronts and our connection as she admits is rare. Sex isn't everything but I'll be happy with once a week at this rate. Tell me this isn't normal?

I deeply love her and value our connection. I don't want to break off an otherwise amazing relationship solely because of this, especially as we've worked through other conflicts and come out stronger. But I also have needs, and I believe a healthy sex life is a crucial part of a long-term partnership.

Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a fulfilling sexual relationship? Has anyone else been in a similar situation where you've been okay with little to no sex in a loving relationship for period of time?

I just want to know if others have made this work, or if this relationship is doomed because of our sexual incompatibility. I'm open to all feedback, even if it's to tell me I need to be more realistic.

Sorry it was this long just wanted to get it all out (no pun intended 😅)

Thank you for reading.

Differing sex drives is a relationship deal breaker for me. She's even told you that the two of you are sexually incompatible. She sees sex as something to do to conceive and you see it as something you do frequently in a loving relationship.

This relationship is doomed, one person will always be unhappy. You need to end it now.

That's not going to get better. As you say, when you settle down and have children the sex usually slows too. How are you even going to start a family without sex. She doesn't sound emotionally mature. I'm not sure you should continue to try if this isn't working. Not the answer you want I realise that.

The short story is you are not compatible on many levels, sexually, intimacy, money, maturity, talking about the future in concrete terms. For her age she does sound very immature. The two biggest factors breaking a relationship are a lot fo times, money and sex. You have both.

Everything you have said feels like it is all about her, you seem to be sacrificing a lot to be with her. You also seem to compartmentalise it too, it may be an amazing relationship if you remove the sex, the intimacy, the all about her, never saying you are a catch etc.

If this is your starting point in a relationship sexually, it is going to get so much worse. If you take sex as in actual penetration off the table, can you even please each other? Does she try?

If you were my friend I would be telling you to end this now. Sorry.

I think you're not compatable, this seems to be an important point for you.She doesn't seem to want to really meet you halfway.
I think if you dig deeper you may have more values that don't really match up.
Probably you should go your seperate ways.
Perhaps if she knows it's a deal breaker she might make an effort to think about you and what you want?
It doesn't sound too promising though.

Of course she’s inexperienced in how she expresses herself: by your own admission she has only had sex 3 times in her life so she’s unlikely to have the vocabulary. And if she sees sex only as something that is needed to conceive children, she also seems to not understand that sex can be pleasurable in and of itself, and be pursued purely for that - possibly because she finds it painful, from what you’ve said. So also, what have you tried to make it less painful? Is there something specific that is causing pain? If she has in her head that sex is just PIV, and that hurts, of course she’s not going to want to do it.

If you want more sex you need for her to want more sex, which means showing her there is a physical reward outwith conception. If you want this to work, you need to have a proper conversation and consider spending some time focused entirely on her pleasure. Spend a long time on foreplay, help her explore her body and its responses, find what it is she does like. Be prepared to do this with no expectation that it will finish in penetrative sex so she’s not under pressure. Fingers, tongue, toys, some lube - all good options here.

If she’s not up for the exploration, there’s nothing more to be done. And you may decide it’s too much effort to even try to take her down this approach. After all, if she’s waited to the age of 36 to lose her virginity, it’s also possible there are psychological reasons why she doesn’t want sex, whether that’s being brought up to think there should be no sex before marriage, or being told that sexual feelings are shameful, and that can be a lot to unpick and something she might want therapy for.

Up to you. If you really are in love with her and want to build a life together, it may be worth the effort. But if not? Gently finish things with her so she can move on to find someone to marry and have kids with, and do so sooner rather than later.

I think she was using my own words against me in that case because I've suggested it in the past. It wasn't something that ever came into realm of thinking to mention before I raised it.

You're right and I know the reality deep down. I wanted to prevent this from happening earlier on but just allow myself to be convinced so now it's going to be hard to let go. I'm not good at letting go as usually try to come up with solutions and in todays throwaway culture its so easy to give up on a relationship when there are many other reasons and grass isn't greener. I just need to man up and tell her this isnt working. Only going to get harder. She is emotionally immature tbh. I seem to attract it. But its my fault for tolerating it and allowing it even when I tried setting boundaries and not have them respected. I'm no innocent party but I've really tried. Would be nice to attract a level headed woman for once who doesn't play silly games and is who sexually compatible. I know she truly loves and cares for me though. I don't think I'll want to have another relationship now at 36, how many women are going to want to start family around my age or are going to want anything other than casual thing or situationship. I want a respectful loving committed partner I can settle down with when we both grow and inspire each to be better.

Thanks, deep down I know this. I just tried my hardest to probably flog a dead horse and not just give up at the first sign of difficulty or incompatibility. As it's so easy to do. Tbh I wish did have female friend right now, I lost because of my girlfriend's insecurity. I never had any of these issues with my ex and that lasted five years before my own, but I never even had to face or deal with level or immaturity of this. It's like this was test for me to show me what I don't want and maybe as karma. My girlfriend tells me how good of a person I am etc but just want to have normal sex life before its too late.

All of the things you have suggested I spent months doing before it ever came to my pleasure. What you described around, I spent and have focused inordinately amount of time on foreplay where she won't give me foreplay of the same attentiveness and enthusiasm. I kid you not, she's even stated for me to just "stick it in" when I said I need to feel arouse and teased too. Just giving me dry hand/blow jobs if I'm lucky and constant stoppage means there's no rhythm. I know there's this perception of the orgasm gap mostly focused on a Man's pleasure but as a partner, I actually spent long time doing all those things. I was patience, gentle and kind but she would never communicate or express. She says she loves being intomate with me and couldn't imagine being so comfortable with a man like she is with me. But she seems to be under this delusion that I'm selfish one for just wanting to feel good and makes out she initiates a lot and barely touch when the reality is i am constantly affectionate with her outside and inside bedroom and got to point where wanted her to focus on my pleasure so of course the perception is now she thinks it's all about me. Honestly I'm not bullshitting you or exaggerating. It's not like she's not enjoying it because her reaction of when I give her oral and what she has told me otherwise is quite intense feeling. I know lot blokes exaggerate, but most would have given up on this relationship long time ago whereas I'm trying to make it work because besides sex we have great times. Surely that's admirable and credible? I could just focus on her again for extended period of time without no expectation of penetrative sex not tnat were having that anyway just oral.

I'm exhausted of having conversations about it so I'm numbed myself to it now. I've really tried. I don't think it will change sadly. Only thing I can think of which I have passively suggested as last resort is couples therapy.

She is honestly a very caring nuturing and understanding woman deep down but she does seem to have outdated views of what Man's role should be base don traditions and she seems to have lost lot of friednships because she feels shebhas been hard done by and always giving and never receiving but won't even tell or communicate this, just silent harbour it until she whinges about it.

She recently had flooring done in her flat and because she couldn't communicate she wasn't happy about one corner where she didnt make it clear what she wanted she got entangled into text marathon with company and I saw a few of the messages she showed me where the dude said he wasn't continuing conversation because he felt like he was being gaslighted. That kind made me grind my teeth

I do love and she does lot of things for us but am i being unfair. I've tried to get her to be honest and she gets defensive that she is, all of this could be sorted with proper hard conversation. I feel she is being emotionally selfish but she often plays the victim, no one is innocent in a relationship but honestly think if most woman saw what ive tolerated they'd be like what the hell dude. It would be easier if someone could really get her to see sometbing outside of her own world view for once if she really cares about me as much as she claims instead of making it about how I'm making her feel certain way anytime i bring up how I feel when all done is shown extraordinary amount of patience and consideration

Then you know the answer. Time to move on.

A relationship should not be hard work like this. You and your partner shouldn’t be needing to over-analyse each other and get into amateur psychology to make sense of things.

you need to leave her and look for a different partner.

What advice would you give if it was a close friend describing your situation to you? It’s going to eat you up for evermore. You know what you need to do, hard as it will initially be.