I'd like to share my story, because it does relate to what you're going through. I hope you don't mind me taking over your thread 😁
So, my first daughter was born 6 years ago. We were both hard workers before that time, working a full time job and a second job on the side to set money aside. We had both agreed to work less once the baby was born, and he was going to stop his side job completely.
3 days before I was induced, his best cliënt offered him a well-paying gig, deadline 2 weeks later. He accepted the gig and spent most of the time I was in hospital after a really rough 22 hour labour on his laptop working. He then had 2 weeks of parental leave and spent those working in his home office. I barely saw him.
I was so incredibly disappointed. I was struggling with a body that was still in pieces after a traumatic birth, breastfeeding wasn't working at all and our daughter had all sorts of problems feeding. She cried, sometimes up to 10 hours a day, and rather than helping me out, he chose to work when he didn't have to. I resented him so much for that.
Fast forward 2 turbulent years we decide to have a second child. He wasn't doing any freelance work, so I was hoping that this time around I would have that nice postpartum experience I didn't get to have the first time. I was more prepared on the breastfeeding front, I was less stressful and I had a lot more experience with babies. Our relationship was in a better place and our eldest daughter had overcome many of her health issues.
We have a lovely birth and a very peaceful few days in hospital, yet I noticed my husband seemed very absent. A few weeks later it became incredibly obvious that he developed a very serious postpartum depression - yes it happens to men too! Everything became too much for him. Our baby crying or fussing - although she was an angel and hardly made a peep - drove him through the roof. He couldn't cope.
So again, with a newborn and a 2-year-old, I was on my own. For a whole year, his mental health didn't allow him to do anything for our family. He worked, came home and slept while I took care of everything else on my own.
We went through a really bad relationship crisis and I eventually gave him an ultimatum. He had to get treatment for his depression or he had to move out. He chose treatment. Luckily he improved rapidly after that. He felt incredibly guilty for missing all that time with our youngest daughter and tried so hard to connect with her to make up for lost time. But I was still so angry and resentful. I felt like he stole my only opportunity to have that nice postpartum time with our babies as a family and no matter what he does now, he can never give that back to me.
I will be honest. There have been many times that I thought I'd never be able to forgive him. I know the depression wasn't his fault, but it felt so unfair. Our relationship was very rocky after that. There were so many times I thought about leaving him. I already knew I could do it on my own anyway.
About a year ago, our children were 5 and 3, we reached a breaking point. I was so angry with him all the time. Sometimes it felt like I hated him. One night we were up all night talking about how we would handle things if we broke up, custody and childcare and financial arrangements. And we both realised that we didn't want that. We decided to do therapy together and give it one last chance.
A year into that I can absolutely honestly say I've forgiven him. The reason for that is because he has listened and heard and validated every emotion I had about this time. He's no longer defensive and his own guilt is no longer in the way. He knows how hard it was for me and he's expressed his gratitude for the way I kept standing when he couldn't. I now feel seen and acknowledged. And he's apologised, not only to me but also to our youngest daughter, for not being the partner and father we both deserved. That was an incredibly beautiful moment, although she was sleeping and couldn't understand what he was saying. I now feel that when I feel sad about what I missed out on, I can go to him and he will comfort me. He's making up for the damage he caused one day at a time and I admire him for having that courage.
So, is forgiveness possible? Yes, but not while the injustice is still going on, and certainly not while the person who hurt you has taken no accountability for that hurt or validated that you have every right to feel that way.
Forgiveness is a joint effort, and he needs to set the stage for it to become possible.