How to make peace with being single?

[Kylowren]

I've been single for 8 years as a divorced, single parent.

The threads on his sub forum are enough to put anyone off being in a relationship, let alone dating through online dating apps!

I am yet to meet someone who ticks most of my boxes, iykwim.

I do enjoy my own company and when my teens want to spend time with me, but I can't help but feel a bit deflated that I don't have a companion to share life's ups and downs with.

Please give me a head spin! Men are so disappointing, even the nice ones it seems 😕

*this sub-forum

Was just out walking my dog and wondering the same thing! But I am only one year out of a very long relationship so still early days. But a man would need to be pretty spectacular and improve my life - I can't see myself compromising hugely on so much now that I have experienced solo life (albeit with teenagers in tow). If anything, I would just like to have a laugh with someone, go to gigs/pubs, have straightforward sex with (nothing fancy)!

This is it. Those are the things I would like too. Like you, I've got so used to solo life. I've met men who have wonderful attributes, but never altogether in the same person.

Certain factors need to be there: attraction, shared values and some interests, finances, respect and loyalty, etc... So yeah, would have to quite spectacular.

Why do you have to make peace with it?

Just BE single. Find the right person for a FWB and crack on. You're not planning on living with them or getting married. Once a week should suffice. Simples.

After two divorces I am DONE and perfectly happy with it.
Perimenopause means I cba currently even with a fib, though maybe one day when I'm not so busy. But I don't even want a man in the house.

It's like vampires. They're not getting invited in.

I think I am looking for a FWB then, I have absolutely no intention of ever sharing a house or finances with anyone again. Would that work for you OP? It isn't quite sharing life's ups and downs, but a bit of light relief to make them easier to deal with myself

No morning noisy clearing of the throat, no random farts and a half attempt at sorry. No messy toilets. No being an adult males replacement mummy reminding them to do basic shit.

Take up a hobby if you haven’t and expand you social network and be as happy in a big in mug that there aren’t teabags on the side of the sink…. On the bench on top of the bin!!

Im.55. Been single most of my adult life. Didn't look for romance until mid 40s. Up.until then was relatively happy on my own, had decent job and good circle of friends and yet always felt like there was something missing. Had 2 different relationships and am now single. Post break up and death of 2nd partner I simply wanted to get back to the safe existence I had before. It a work in progress. I think it helps if you have friends who are in a similar position. Best wishes OP.

I've been with DH for 20 years and love him, and we have a lot of fun together, and he's built up all of those years of good will with me.

But if I were single, I'd want casual sex only and then retreat back to my nice, clean, organised sanctuary, and would never share my space again.

I'm really practical minded about stuff like this. I'd make a list of all the things you want from a man and see how many you can get elsewhere.

Really close companionship? Develop a range of friendships - some that make you laugh till you can't breathe, some who are reliable in a crisis and caring, some who you can have really good heart to hearts with about anything under the sun. Nurture these friendships.

Someone to help around the house? Find a local handyman to do all the small DIY jobs and/or pay for a cleaner or gardener once a fortnight.

Physical contact? – obviously this doesn't beat sex and cuddles with someone you love but book a massage every few weeks, or ask DC to give you a shoulder rub or a hug. Or get a pet who loves a good snuggle on the sofa.

And develop excellent self care. The be-your-own-best-friend cliche. Make sure you have healthy food you love to eat, well-stocked medicine cabinet for if you fall ill or have an accident, nice skin and hair care, bath stuff that smells good, clean towels, bedding. Play music you love, listen to podcasts, read books and watch TV shows that inspire and amuse and uplift you (including light hearted escapist stuff). Wear your favourite clothes, use your favourite china, wear your best perfume. Do lots of exercise, explore better job opportunities, redecorate in your favourite colour and design scheme, save up for a holiday that excites you etc - all that stuff that sounds so cliched written down, but is actually about not putting life on hold until you deserve it to be better because you are in a relationship.

None of these beat meeting a man who you are happy to spend your life with, but they make life fun and fulfilled so the fact of not being in a relationship isn't too big a gap in your overall life.

I look at the upsides.

I don't need to compromise on my DS' care.
No conflict of interests
The bed to myself
Freedom to set spending priorities
My bathroom is always as I left it
Life is less expensive
No keeping up with the neighbours (my ex's speciality)
Much less whinging and complaining
No criticising my car, my fence, my TV, my sound system.......
No pressure to produce MasterChef style food 😊

I've been single since 2017. Dated a few times but most men are as you say, disappointing. I don't understand why there are so few men who can cook and clean for themselves, manage basic hygiene, remain solvent and have no addictions. Maybe it's the age group.

And why do they keep wanting to move in? What's the rush?

My & DS' life is lovely and I don't want to jeopardise that.

I don't disagree with PP. It's about all of that. A good FWB compliments your life. They don't complicate it.

Don't forget to factor in that one day the time you currently spend with and caring for your children will end. Remember to develop things that will fill this time. I did not do this.

I think I'm at peace with it. I've been single a long time. I've not made a great deal of effort to look after dating a bit after my divorce. I feel pretty content with my lot and I enjoy my independence. I rarely feel lonely but it does occur to me that I don't have the widest social circle or many hobbies and I wouldn't want to be lonely as a I get older. There is still time to meet somebody but I'm not entirely sure I'm interested.

I love being on my own after many mainly happy years of marriage but I do occasionally envy married friends who seem to have an easy life. They can share problems, help each other out, don't have to pay all the bills themselves or pay single supplements on holidays etc. Then I think of all the disadvantages - not being able to eat what I want, when I want, or having someone talking over a TV programme I'm trying to watch, or leaving a mess in the kitchen or hogging all the quilt... And the happy couples you see aren't always as happy as you think. I've known couples that I thought were happy suddenly split up. The grass isn't always greener.

There's possibly a lot of overthinking about FWB relationships, especially if you've not experienced them.
As with any relationship respect for each other is paramount as is open communication. It should be seen as fun though. It is after all two people with similar interests, hopefully with the same SOH that have come together to enhance each other's lives on a part time mutually agreed basis.
These benefits include coffee's, lunches, brunches and dinners. Visits to the cinema, places of interest, shopping trips and occasional trips away. And of course the benefit of intimacy.
These relationships can be anything you want them to be. It has to be mutually agreed.
I've been party to quite a few. It suits my lifestyle.

The secret is friendship without attachment.

Agree that a FWB sounds okay, but what if I catch feelings?

I am aware that a lot couples are not necessarily that happy or suited. The grass isn't greener, I don't think that at all.

Those that were/if they were to become single after being mostly happily married, I get what you're saying. However, my circumstances are not the same as yours.

The grass is greener where you water it. :)

You can have two friends with bens and that helps not catch feelings 😂 but the truth is that me and my fwb are very different people and wouldn't work in a full time relationship. We go to the theatre, concerts, meals whatever we feel like a few times a month. He works in the city 60+hrs a week and I am a single (with shared care) mum. He is one of the funniest and cleverest people I have ever met, however we hold different views on politics, he's v organised where I'm quite chaotic and messy, he's not looking to have a family and I'm not looking for a father to my son, or indeed to live with anyone. We are very compatible as personalities but would not make good live in partners to each other. So actually I have caught feelings, but I wouldn't have a FWB I didn't have a connection with, and therefore some feelings. It's just that I'm old enough not to chase a traditional model that wouldn't work. Feelings with benefits 😂 But logic keeps things in balance. The feelings don't over run the reality of the situation.

Btw if you do start OLD then I recommend trying the American dating model at the beginning. Basically you chat and meet up with who ever you're interested in. You can have as many dates as you want with folks in parrallel as long as you're upfront. And only if and when you're ready you can then date exclusivey.

Is it? Really? Just find someone for a FWB situation. How does one go about doing that? Chitchatting around the coffee machine in the staff room? Or some grubby website where you have to wade through married men ?

An excellent point! There's zero chance I would risk hooking up with anyone at work or going on a dodgy website...

And dating apps feel more like a cattle market.

I'm almost 3 years single (and have spent 2 years online dating) and although I've tried to find a FWB set up, I don't think they are as easy to source as you may think.
Most men I have spoken to literally just want the sex but a few times and they want to move on. They don't really want something regular, they don't want to go for coffees, watch movies, theatre etc.
They want someone on call for sex as and when it fits.
I'm very clear what I am looking for and they are "looking for similar" but it rarely takes long for them to suggest I head straight for their place at 11pm when we haven't even met.
I'd love to know where people are finding these individuals who can compliment their life yet not need to intertwine too much.
And this is definitely not an opening for all the men on here to direct message me offering me their hard c*#k (yep, sadly happens a lot)

Hey op. How are you getting on? I searched for divorced and single, and your thread came up. I'm 7 years divorced with 2 teens, and feel similarly. Dating is a car crash and I can't help feeling the love ship has sailed for me (mid 40s) 😞 god that sounds so self pitying!