Children of hoarders support group

[KangarooBlue]

Any other children of hoarders here? How do you deal with the hopelessness and despair?

My dad (age 75) is a hoarder. He has been ever since my mum left him. I was 5 at the time. I hated staying at his place as ir was always dirty, cold, and full of junk. These days (I’m in my 30s now), it’s indescribable. There’s no electric, no gas, rubbish everywhere, roofs falling in… I could go on.

He won’t move. My siblings and I have tried everything. As he has capacity and owns the house, I don’t think there’s anything we can do? I want to involve social services but my brothers won’t let me.

What are your lovely brothers proposing to do then?
It sounds like a dire situation. I think your plan sounds ok - no one should be living like that.

I am in a very similar situation with my mom, it’s incredibly hard and I am terrified that something is going to happen to her. I also want to report to social services but my mom freaks out if I even bring it up. When I was younger she would threaten suicide if social services became involved. Her house is absolutely shocking, it has got progressively worse over the last 10 years. I have no siblings so it’s only me who has to deal with it. I really sympathise with you, my mom is 74 and I am early 30s.
It is so stressful and I feel I can’t open up to anyone.

Go in for a weekend, all together, and make one sitting room fine. Take a trailer and deposit bagged unwanted stuff to the Landfill.
Next month clear a kitchen.
Then a bathroom.

Three spaces that are clear and the rest for your Dad to store his stuff.

Maybe help your Dad to catagorise and store similar with similar. Advertise some things for sale.
Pay for the power repairs that way.

But for a hoarde they will just replace the stuff before they’ve finished going through the house.

hoardinguk.org is a good website for you.

I would bypass your brothers here and contact adult social care yourself. Is there a reason why they do not want you to contact social. Services?.

If your dad is not ready for clearing he may never be. There is only so much outsiders can do re hoarding because it is a very difficult mental health issue to treat.

Hi, I work in MH ( and have a hoarder in the family) Hoarding is extremely treatment resistant and complex.

if he has capacity and owns his house then until the hoard becomes a fire/health risk there is not much that can be done if he doesn’t want to. ( when no capacity, extreme risk associated with hoard then services can intervene but this is so distressing for the person it needs to be done carefully)

you may be best working in acceptance for yourself and stop wasting effort on the hoard- but instead trying to grow his life outside the home- visiting you, getting hobbies etc.

my sympathy- it’s very hard.

My parents' house is intact and functional but dirty and very hoarded. They are not at risk, but the living conditions are pretty awful and visiting is difficult.

I have accepted that I can't do anything while they are still around and that it will be my problem to deal with when they are gone. I have a plan for that involving storage containers and skips. Until that point I am letting them live their own life.

I worked in mental health for a while and hoarding is a really difficult issue to tackle in any meaningful, long term way.

They don’t have any other ideas, but they think that involving social services would humiliate him. Personally, I think that might be a good thing in these circumstances 😔

Is he happy?

I’d be inclined to leave him until it actually became a risk to his health and then ask for help from his GP and/or adult social care. If he becomes frail or has cognitive decline then you’ll probably need to step in.

Like someone else said, work on yourself first. You could chuck a load of time and effort at it and effectively get nowhere and that might mentally send you over the edge.

Meet him away from the house if you can. It’s tough and it will only get tougher as he ages. Be the kind and understanding daughter not the bossy and judgemental one. He won’t be here forever and this is probably a direct result of trauma somewhere along the line.

Why do they think involving social services would humiliate him?. It’s worth a try. Your brothers have no other ideas and it’s likely your dad would refuse to engage with them.

Humiliation is not the name of the game here. As you know all too well hoarding is a mental health disorder which is very difficult to treat.

Can’t he just live how he wants to live? Hoarders only continue to hoard. Obvs he needs electricity and the roof repaired but if he’s happy with his hoard..? 🤷‍♀️

The house has no running water, no central heating, and the electricity only works in one room (it’s a four bed house). He can’t cook or shower. I’m not sure what he does for toileting etc.

The floor and roofs are caving in.

Every room is filled with junk (I’m talking bank statements from 1982 etc.)

It honestly can’t get much worse. It is a fire hazard, and he needs professional help.

☹️

Don't do this.
Hoarding (in this case to the point where a house becomes a hazmat site and structurally dangerous) is a serious mental illness and isn't addressed by clearing garbage room by room without the cooperation of the hoarder.
The only thing that could help is getting ongoing professional hoarding support (and even then the illness is a tough nut to crack).

@KangarooBlue
You should take unilateral action. Call social services. Disregard your brothers.

Is it a detached house?

If not there are significant risk to his neighbours

I completely sympathize with how hard this is. My parents are both compulsive hoarders and it defined my childhood and me as a person. They'll never stop and I know one day I'll have to clear out their 6 bedroom house with a workshop and outbuildings that are floor to ceiling with stuff.

I strongly recommend you read 'Buried in Treasures' or even better listen to the audiobook read by one of the authors. It's written by a team of researchers who treat people with hoarding disorder. There are specific sections for family members and a really thorough description of how this problem can arise and continue to get worse.

I think he is at risk. He cannot live properly with this hoard and it's a fire hazard now. Next winter could be his last.

Maybe contact adult social services for some advice?

I am not sure what the legislation says but it's possible that action can be taken as it's a fire hazard and unfit for habitation

You don't understand hoarding behaviour at all!
ALL the stuff IS wanted.

Hi!
We actually got my mum moved into a little flat (she uses an electric wheelchair) so she's doing so much better. Still spending money like water and the stuff piles up but because the place is alot smaller and more modern it's a lot easier for me to keep basically clean.
However we still have the issue of her hoarded 6 bedroom house that she won't let us empty.
She wants to sell it but apparently wants to keep every item inside.
It's been this way 3 years now. No estate agent will take it on because she refuses to let anyone clear it.
It's now damp and rotting and has a mouse infestation.
It does keep me awake at night.
When my dad was alive he kept on top of things to an extent and he put loads of work into that house. It hurts to see it all fall apart.
Plus she is hemorrhaging money. Paying rent when she owns a home.. the home decreasing in value as it gets more and more run down..
And for what?
We've managed to remove all animals from her
(She had a dog and four cats she was just allowing to poo everywhere and couldn't really care for.. when we removed them she immediately bought more cats which got taken off her in the end)
And so far she has not re bought any animals

Not sure what you think social services will do..We 4 siblings all arranged a longweekend we were all available. Stayed in a local b&b for 4 nights, pre arranged a painter and carpet layer and hired a skip for the weekend went in cleared top to bottom, cleaned all paintworks, etc, got new carpets laid on last day. It looked alike a new house by the Monday night and the smile on our fathers face was the best thing ever. Quite frankly now 2 years on he hasn't got anywhere near to what it was and we all take turns to actually now stay weekends for company and making meals which we would never have done before because of no room,smell etc. Don't think our father knew where to start and how it was affecting his mood and our visiting. Best thing we did

One of my Aunties was a hoarder. She lived in a small house but never wanted to throw anything away ever, even if she had 3 or 4 already. My sister and I persuaded her others needed some of her spare blankets, saucepans etc and because she was a very kind person she agreed we could donate them to other people who we told her really needed them. She lived alone but had 17 saucepans despite hardly cooking at all as had local pub deliver her a hot meal each day. We kept her 3 and donated 14 council for helping care leavers set up a flat. Same with blankets and so many other things. She had 3 toasters so we kept her 1.

If your dad has no water or electricity, it sounds like you need to contact environmental health who will decide whether or not the house is fit for human habitation.

Thank you. I am going to contact them on Monday.

I am hoping that they could rehome him?

He can’t run a home himself. He just can’t.