Post partum marriage hell

[amandanorgaard]

As above really. Long post alert! Need a rant, sorry.

I’m 2months PP with DS, have a 2year old DD also. Been with DH 10 years, married for 1. This time last year we were our best ever, had a real honeymoon period leading up to and after wedding resulting in pregnancy, then bang relationship issues for the last year.

Clearly mostly my fault, I do struggle with my hormones and felt like I’m premenstrual on steroids throughout my pregnancy, I did suffer from mood swings and irritability, as well as pelvic pain which made me grumpy and irritable, especially working full time and looking after a toddler.

the only actual thing we ever argue about is the mental load of the house. I remember post partum with DD I was definitely a bit crazy, and really struggled to feel like he was doing his share.

its the same again now, only its every single day we’re falling out. Every thing he does fills me with absolute seething rage, not just mild irritation. It has been a full on couple of weeks, his in laws visited (he had kid-free trip to pub and theme park that week), followed by DD being poorly all weekend and A&E trip (he just hovered awkwardly while I packed up newborn and toddler to go to A&E), followed by a day/night out after his night shifts and then he wanted to go and play football today, I was aghast.

basically I need time to myself, which I have said to him over and over again. I don’t want a night out, I want to pop out for a walk on my own, or the shops for half an hour etc. I need him to offer his time and help, and not have to ask for it constantly, which he doesn’t seem able to do. He told me today what was I expecting being on mat leave and breastfeeding, which yes obviously, but that doesn’t mean I have to be the sole person in charge 24/7.

so were at a sticking point. We rowed really badly this morning, I was in floods and floods of tears and he was doing his usual not really speaking/conversing properly about anything. Luckily DD was at nursery but I also really worry about the impact of our constant bickering/silent treatment on her.

has anyone else brought their marriage back from the brink post partum? I don’t think I necessarily need mental health support, I just need to feel supported by my partner! If anyone has a different opinion, please share!

Try and talk to him once more then if no immediate change, I'd stop cooking for him, washing his pants, whatever else as you can't do it as you need time to yourself.

I hope you are ok!! I completely feel this and we were the same. We found an online marriage counsellor who specialised in ‘parents’ and it helped so much.

deep breaths. Try to talk when you’ve both had some sleep x

Thank you both, I did notice today that after our row he seemed to be offering to help more, I suggested this but he said he’s done nothing different and it was all in my frame of mind… not so sure but fully doubting my sanity at this point! I am definitely open to counselling, but DH has said not online, and I’m not sure how we would facilitate child free time together to go to an office!

I think this is so so common. Especially after the birth of number 2 - there is literally no wriggle room & spare time for anyone. I think no. 2 is actually a much bigger adjustment period for dads, as with no. 1 you can each get time to yourself more easily and mums tend to do the lion’s share anyway, but it’s not as noticeable. With no. 2 there is nowhere to hide and hubbies just need to step up. It took a few months for mine to catch up but by 6-8 months in it finally felt like we were more on an even footing. Just keep talking and direct until it becomes habit. Not something you want to have to do but also it doesn’t come naturally to some people.

you’re in the thick of it at 2 months PP, still so much to adjust to. It’s bloody hard. But you will get there.

Was there a reason you all had to go to A&E? Couldn't one of you stay home & one take the poorly DC?

I totally get it. What would happen if you said right I'm off out for a walk / shopping trip back in a couple of hours? Does he ever take them out by himself to give you alone time at home?

its super hard , I’ve been there with the emotions, once my baby started sleeping through I slowly came out of the fog, your only 2 months PP with a toddler give yourself some grace.

Ask your husband to sit down and talk no shouting or arguing and ask him to listen to how you really feel, tell him exactly what are needing from him. Admit your part in this and that you are aware of how your emotions are making you feel, but you need some more support.

Hopefully he opens up more and truly listens to you and pulls his finger out.

Put it in terms he can understand
You two are fighting in an army unit of two, against the war of parenthood with the common aim of saving your marriage so that you can bring up your kids in the way you want to. Focus on common aims.
In order to do that you both need to be fighting fit, sometimes that means you need time to recuperate apart, doing things that mean you can recover. Sometimes the fighting is so intense there isn’t time for that and you both need to step up.
The most important thing is a reminder that you’re on the same team, fighting for a common goal and need to support each other. If one man goes down, the whole team fails and the war is lost. If someone is suffering, the other needs to pick up the slack.

He sounds inconsiderate at best, and an utter dick at worst.

Have you sat down calmly and laid out the distribution of time in your household?

Get a regular slot twice a week that is yours. Eg 8-10am on a Saturday and 5-7pm on a Tuesday he has both kids and you're not there.

Why did you all go to hospital?

Sorry I have no advice except that a man shouldn't be giving you the silent treatment. Its an abuse tactic to control you. I'm not saying he's abusive but its definitely a red flag.

Thank you everybody!

I took newborn to A&E as wanted to be there for toddler as I genuinely thought she’d need admitting, her breathing was terrible and she felt really poorly, newborn is breastfed and cluster feeds normally in an evening, tbh if DH had offered to keep him at home I might have said yes but he just stood and watched me do everything, my fault for not telling him to keep the baby at home with the expressed milk in the freezer (not that the baby takes a bottle from him, that’s another story, bc he will for me or my mum!)

like the carving out time idea and have also considered the couples therapy, just been looking into an affordable option for us as DH has said no to online, even though it would be easiest to achieve childcare wise!

thank you for all your advice, it makes me feel so much better to know I am not going insane and we’re not alone in this x

Next time send your H with the toddler. You're risking all sorts taking a baby unnecessarily to A&E.

I hope you can get something sorted and it does get easier.