Splitting expenses

[MyLostUsername]

I've been married to DH for 15 years, mid 50's now. Have only one teen DS. We are both profesionals; he has a permanent contract with the NHS, I work in research, on short term contracts. We have a mortgage, with about 70k left, all expenses are shared, same for accounts and cards.
We are both immigrants, I've lost both my parents, he has his mother abroad (in case it adds anything).

We have always been very different in terms of spending and saving money, but it is now becoming a real problem, at least for me. Something has happened which makes me think it is about time to split finances (I would prefer not to go into the details as it really upsets me).

Can those in similar situations share how you do it?
It might seem like a silly question but I do not know where to start.

Thank you

@MyLostUsername this site could be a useful starting point for you.

I am fan of all in one pot and all expenses from this, including savings. And then personal accounts with the same amount for both to waste on yarn or golf.
But this depends on a similar approach and total trust that one person won’t put all the savings for a new car on the third race at Sandown.

Sounds like you need to now change to a system of working out joint expenses and putting only them in a joint account, or an account held by the good with money partner.
Savings, debt, and so on then come out of each persons remaining income.

Sounds like this is serious and I wish you all luck sorting it out.

Thanks @redfishcat

Sounds like you need to now change to a system of working out joint expenses and putting only them in a joint account

Exactly. But what really counts as joint expenses?
Mortgage, bills, food, son's expenses...and then almost all the rest is personal.
So I assume that any large purchases from now on would be owned separately, but what happens to anything bought prior to that?

How about addtional income? Up until now, it was shared too.

Yes, you are right, it is serious :-(

I would sort out future expenses rather than looking at past ones, unless there's a debt to be paid for those, in which case those expenses are joint.

Maybe the mortgage, council tax, electricity, gas, water, internet, home insurance, car payments (if both cars are equal value) and car insurance, TV licence and food etc should be paid from one joint account. An extra sum of money to cover home repairs and bigger purchases could be put in there. Each of you could put in 50:50 as long as you earn roughly the same. Then you can keep whatever's left.

However, if it's really serious, have a think about whether you want to continue the relationship, OP. You do have options.

We are very similar in terms of career and family set up to you. We’ve always maintained separate finances. I want my own money and not to have to be accountable to anyone.

We pay jointly into a joint account for household expenses according to income. Dh earns about twice as much as me, so pays in twice as much. Everything else is our own personal money. I have no idea what Dh spends on and he has no idea what I spend on.

Dh, being the higher earner, will always transfer over what I or we need if some sort of exceptional expense comes up. For example, I make less, so he always pays for servicing or repairs to my car. Or pays for family holidays. Or when we needed a new boiler. So these big expenses don’t hit me proportionately more because I’m the lower earner.

I like this because we don’t have to clear purchases with each other. If I want to spend £500 on my horse, I don’t have to ask Dh if it’s okay because what if he wants to spend £500 on his bike that month? We each know how much we have for personal spending and can budget accordingly.

There are no debts, except the mortgage.
What I meant was, in the past I always agreed to his 'big buys' thinking that, if needed, they could be sold and the money returned to the shared pot. I mean, they were 'for him' but still shared ownership if that makes sense?

You are absolutely right, I do have options. I am just very very scared.

Are you happily married except for this? Because at its core marriage is a financial and legal joining of your lives. If you want to separate that, divorce is the most effective (if saddest) way. Did he do something that was a red line/trust destroying?

No, we are not. We've been having issues for a long time now. I do feel this is a step towards divorce.

No, I do not think what he did was trust destroying, but I did not like they way he went about it. And I felt I did not have any real saying or option.

I’m sorry to hear that. But not surprised. Legal separation might be safer and you can step it back if you want. Talk to a lawyer.

Safer how?
I do not think I am ready. I am at a very low point at the moemnt

We have a simple set up - we both receive our salaries into our own accounts, we then transfer a fixed amount every month to a shared joint account. Bills and mortgage come out of the joint account.

Whatever is left of your salary is yours to spend or save. We agreed how much each person transfers to joint account based on how much we both earn, although it's fairly similar amounts

What are you most scared of, OP?

Everything really, the practicalities of a divorce paralise me.