Boyfriend watching porn

[Nelly2828]

So I think I’ve made a big mistake, came out of a 12 year dead end relationship (no marriage, no children) and met a guy and unexpectedly fell deeply in love, our relationship moved so quick, I moved in just weeks after meeting, pregnant 8 months later, engaged soon after. I now have my beautiful baby girl 3 months old. Just before pregnancy I found out my boyfriend had been watching porn non stop on his phone, only fans and porn on the tv after he would come home drunk. I confronted him about all of it and swears it’s not what I think, says the only fans pages must of been just pop ups from the porn websites and watching the porn on the tv was when he was dead drunk, we argued about it I threatened to leave, he told me how I was his world and that porn is just something men do and I shouldn’t be upset over it, many times after I brought it up over and over again looking for a better explanation but nothing. It’s made me feel like I was never good enough, I feel so self conscious and I can’t help but regretting not leaving at that point, he just did everything else right, my previous relationship was dead the guy did nothing never wanted to go out travel etc but I did, my new boyfriend is all of them things he gave me excitement back in my life, but now I think I really regret it all, I don’t think I can get over the use of porn, he swears he doesn’t do that anymore and it definitely seems like he doesn’t as we have more sex etc but I just can’t get it out of my head to the point where I’m putting off the wedding, I know deep down I can’t marry him, but we now have a beautiful baby and I want to make sure she has a normal up bringing with lots of love round her, my worst fear is to have a broken family. Do I stay and marry and just live with this eating me up or do I leave with no where to go? I feel so stuck! Plus he has the most interfering mother which I’ve had arguments with on a few occasions, I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy and she blamed it on me said it was because I was going to the gym! Even though we know this is not true! I don’t want to talk to friends and family because I know they will say you moved the relationship too fast it’s your own fault. What do i do?!

It's a personal choice, some women wouldn't be bothered by this . I would and wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with a man who claims that it's just something men do. I also wouldn't trust that he's just stopped..what he means is he's got better at hiding it. Life is too short to spend not feeling good enough

hello, it sounds as though there’s quite a bit to unpack here because not only do you mention your current partner’s porn use, but also how you’d like a normal upbringing for your child, and not getting on with your partner’s mum.

is this definitely solely about your partner’s porn use, or are you overall unhappy in this relationship and feel trapped by this view that your child’s upbringing must be a certain way?

It’s true that a lot of men (and women) view porn, but what’s important is how it makes you feel in the relationship and whether that’s been shared and a boundary set - which it sounds like it has. In this case, I would give him a chance to stop using it, as you’ve set that boundary and if he then crosses it, you can reassess whether it’s the right relationship for you to remain in.

In relation to your child’s upbringing, a happy childhood is going to be a childhood where both mum and dad are happy. If they’re observing a lot of conflict, it’s not going to be the best for them and could impact their perspectives of relationships etc.

hope that’s helpful

Most men watch a bit of porn, and many women too (I certainly do). I would not be happy with Only Fans if he is interacting with anyone. Is he? That would be a deal breaker for me, but if it's just normal porn, you probably aren't going to find any guy who doesn't, and I'm sure you don't want to be alone forever.

My DH was watching porn, and my issue was that we weren't having any sex at the time (his choice). Now that made me mad. I made it clear that it was a deal breaker and he's packed it in.

Honestly - that has to be your choice - Personally Porn dosen't bother me. I'd actually be more concerned long term about his Mother. Does he stand up to her - or will it be a case of he just lets her go about her business without standing up for you? That, is a much bigger issue that him getting his rocks off to video's - unless he's paying a fortune to watch them - then it becomes a financial issue...

I know you feel crap right now, and I won't ever say "stay for the children" becuase it can be harmful of the parents are at odds - but as she's 3 months - is there a chance that there are hormones at play? would he consent to couples councelling? personaly therapy about the porn?

Everyone has their own view on Porn.

If him watching porn is a deal breaker for you thats absolutely fine. How certain can you be that he has actually stopped watching it? If he has definitely stopped then perhaps he is listening to you and thats a good sign.

However - you mention also in you post he drinks heavily and has an interfering mother. Both are also serious issues in any relationship so I'd be thinking very carefully anyway regardless of the porn.

porn is just something men do and I shouldn’t be upset over it

Porn is something SOME men do. A lot don't. This is him.tring to minimise and normalise it. And telling you not to be upset is him telling you your feelings aren't valid.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys watching women being exploited and abused and violated. And who sees women just as sex objects to provide men with their sexual kicks.
The fact he is watching it to the extent he is and gas moved on to Only Fans would indicate he is addicted. And things will only get worse. Your baby is unlikely to experience a normal family life if you stay together with this man because porn use affects mens ability to have a normal relationship with a real woman.
It's so hard for you OP but honestly you would really be better off with this man.

There's more to this than just the porn - drunkenness for a start.

The porn is a line in the sand for me. Any man who is happy to support this exploitative industry gets the thumbs down from me.

So many many threads on this site where porn is dividing couples - it is evil and pernicious. So sad.

Porn is not a given for all men. As others have said, it’s someone getting off in women (and often girls) who may well have been coerced, abused or otherwise exploited. That’s an absolute line in the sand for me.

My partner does not watch it and it’s a conversation we had very early on.

My kiddo has parents who do not live together - but we coparent very well and are good friends. It doesn’t have to mean a terrible life.

What do you want?

Well, you did move the relationship too fast but that ship has sailed. How often does he come home drunk? This is far more likely to affect your daughter than his porn usage. The fact is that the majority of men these days use porn to a lesser or greater degree. It's instantly available on their phones, anything they fancy, 24/7 at just the click of a button. Any woman who thinks her man never looks at it is deluding herself or married to a very good liar. Men have always wanted to look at (and wank over) bums and tits since time immemorial. The more accessible it is, the more they're going to indulge. It upsets women because we naturally think our men should only be lusting after us. It's also upsetting because it makes us feel utterly inadequate, especially when the women involved are fit 19 year olds without a stretch mark in sight. It can completely destroy your self esteem. But the likelihood of any man not looking at porn is rarer than hens teeth. It's too easy and it's addictive and although men may say all the right things about exploited women, they'll generally make an exception when it comes to pleasuring themselves.

Any woman who thinks her man never looks at it is deluding herself or married to a very good liar

This is not true, and it encourages women to trample over their own boundaries.