Told friends the truth about DH/relationship

[Howdo1leave]

After 6 years together, less than one married, I finally broke down and told two of my closest friends what my relationship with DH is really like - how uncaring, unkind, and emotionally abusive he is, and what a huge toll it’s been taking on me. My friends were wonderful, but now I’m also terrified, because this means there’s no going back. It really feels like a point of no return. I can no longer pretend everything is okay (either to myself or others), and I can no longer make excuses to stay with him, because saying it out loud and seeing how much it upset and worried my friends has made it all very real.

I know it was a necessary step, because I’ll need their help getting through this, but I’m also suddenly feeling so unbelievably scared and lonely. And part of me regrets saying anything.

Although I know I need to leave, and that it’s not right and hasn’t been for a long time, I still love him and can’t imagine life without him.

I can’t stop crying. Can anyone who has been here offer some words of strength and wisdom?

Well done. That was a big thing to do.

I had to keep my plans to myself, not give him any idea I was planning to leave. Because he would hide my things.

MN has a saying, getting your ducks in a row - if you want to leave, safely, there are things you want to do.

My number one was calling Women's Aid and they helped me three times, the second time they remained in support of me for ages. The first two times were for the one I had to keep it quiet from.

Make sure you have any passports and important paperwork for you, and if there's children, for them.

You're married, so you'll want at least copies of any financial information you are able to get - don't put yourself in danger to get this.

Your friends know - one of them would be more than likely happy to hold onto some things for you, so take anything important there. You can also slip a few things at a time there which are too big to hide at home. Suitcase of clothes and precious items etc.

Women's Aid can give you wonderful help and support. And if you don't have a friend or family member to flee to, they can help find a refuge til you're able to get your own place, if you feel you are in danger of harm.

If anything escalates please do call the police - you likely have grounds to speak to them on 101 if there's been abuse and any control or coercion. This will also help you with court (divorce, and if children, with their arrangements).

You've been very brave. And you can do this. You don't have to rush, but if you do feel in danger, call the police and flee.

Too many of us have been here. Hopefully more people will come along with info and moral support.

I feel very similar to you and have split with the father of my child and I feel lost and lonely but even though there was emotional abuse I still love him too and I just don’t know how to get through these feelings. It’s painful and right now feels like I will be stuck in this feeling for some time. I keep telling myself that I need to remind myself that I deserve better and have to keep going for the sake of my child no matter what. I think we have to let ourselves feel and let all the tears come out but time will make it better even though it’s not what we want to hear right now. Sending you strength and hugs xx

Leaving takes a long time. The back and forth is draining, but something will eventually happen that means there will be no going back in your head.
The cognitive dissonance about your partner can take years to get through. Combined with the genuine grief that you have to let go.
They won’t ever be the person that they seemed they were, that person doesn’t really exist. The abuse will only escalate as time goes on x

Thank you both. I wish I could write something more articulate back but I’m just in pieces.

Fortunately he has never been physically abusive, nor do I have any reason believe he will be when I tell him I’m leaving, but I’m really dreading the nastiness and manipulation that will inevitably come off the back of it.

@Bradley28 thank you. I feel so foolish for letting it get this far (and at the same time like a massive failure for not “succeeding” at it) but it does help to understand it as cognitive dissonance.

And so much grief.

It took me 20 years to understand what I was living... Well done on seeing it at this point. It is a shock and will involve a long period of grief, but you have been massively brave in telling people. I would recommend the grey rock technique to help you through the next period and read It’s not you by Dr Ramani (and look at Peter Salerno's videos). Wishing you lots of strength.

What a hugely brave step! Well done for taking it and giving people who love and care for you the opportunity to support you.

It feels daunting because it feels like you've opened a door into the unknown, but remember, you don't have to walk through that door alone now. You have at least your two friends (and probably many more people in your life) who will walk with you, every step. You were alone before you spoke up, now you're not. Take everything they have to offer in terms of support and walk through that door to a better, happier life.

Best of luck with it.

OP - don’t tell him you’re leaving. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel they’re losing control. If he’s not been physical before, that’s probably because he hasn’t felt the need to be. It’s also recognised that verbal abuse can be devastating. Some women have been driven to suicide by abusive partners who never laid a hand on them. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of what he has been doing. He doesn’t deserve advance warning that you’re leaving and you do deserve to get to safety without difficulties.

The risk of a physical attack is not a risk worth taking now. The safest thing for you to do is to leave while he’s out of the house. Is that possible? If not, is there anyone who could be there when you leave? It may be preferable to have one or two burly males on hand as he may be less inclined to throw his weight around then.

Very well done! Taking the first step and sharing your situation with friends isn’t to be underestimated- it was very brave of you. Your friends will want the best for you, so lean on them for support as you navigate your exit. As others have said, start getting your ducks in a row and take care on computers and phones to hide your actions and communications with others.
When all is done and dusted , you’ll look back to today with relief, pride at the day when the rest of your life started. Best of luck!

Thank you all, really. Still crying but in a good way now. I don’t think I appreciated what a big step it was to tell my friends until now.

i have a separate property from DH - from before marriage - that I’m currently staying in as I’m meant to be renovating it to rent out and finally move in “officially” with him (even though we’ve been living together in practice for ages). It’s good to have some space and distance, both physically and emotionally. I think I’ll just prolong the process and never actually rent it out, and never actually move in with him. He has some of his things here but not a huge amount, I reckon I could pack it up and leave it outside or send it over in a van. There is tons of my stuff at his (technically the marital home but he always made sure I knew it was “his” and not “ours”) but tbh, nothing I can’t lose given the stakes.

One thing stopping me from leaving is how amazing his family are, and as an immigrant to the UK, they have truly embraced me and have become my family here in England. I really don’t know how they raised such a shit, as they are all genuinely kind and wonderful people - often his mum or dad would drive me back from the airport when he wouldn’t, or guide me through emotional upheaval when he didn’t care, and it was so amazing to have them as a safe base here.

Once you leave them they will not be so amazing. Don't worry about leaving them. Well done, you!

Well done. You say you've another home, tell him you're going there as you need space to assess things.

Then maybe just stay there. And tell him it's finished. It's clear you're not happy and you deserve to be. Whether that's single or with a new partner.

You're lucky in that you've got this place to go so go there. If you think anything might kick off do call the police once you're away from him. Or maybe have a male family or friend on hand.

Good on you and stay strong. The rest of your life. Doing what you want awaits x

@momtoboys @DiscoBob thank you. One thing my friends did say when I told them everything was that they felt I’d been losing myself and not doing what I wanted or what interested me anymore - just building my life around his. So in a way, I am looking forward to the next chapter of life. But it’s scary.

OP. If he has a key to your property, make sure you change the locks.

I know it seems scary. But you need to distance yourself from him as he's manipulated you into feeling like you need him. We don't need (useless) men. You're completely everything as an individual. X

@DiscoBob he’s quite literally said to me - you have nothing else and no one here, what are you going to do, move back home?

it’s not even true as I have a great group of friends here and really love living in England (I’ve been here my entire adult life!) but I guess it was in his interest to make sure it felt that way. And of course, as amazing as my friends are, I don’t have the “family unit” aspect without him, that’s true, but plenty of people don’t and are just fine…

Ignore everything he says. He's trying to break you down. If you love someone you don't allege they have no life, no friends etc.

He's desperate to keep you but he's failing.
Go to your other house and block him on everything. And get all your lovely friends and family round that he claims don't exist.

He's a dick and you're winning. Hold steady. X

@DiscoBob thank you ❤️

@Fernticket he has lost three (yes, three!) sets of keys to my flat as he’s not just a nasty person, he’s also hopelessly disorganised and basically needs my help to function day to day. God knows how he has managed to get as far as he has in his career. But maybe it’s worth changing the locks in case one of the lost sets resurface.

Sounds like youve got some very supportive friends there. Taking the first step is always hard to put yourself out of your comfort zone, ive felt in a similar place before where sometimes its easier to go back to familiarity. You can only move forward now. Divorce is not that bad, any day ill be free!

Definitely change the locks. Thank god you have your own place. Does he have any kind of CCTV or a Ring doorbell? Does he work outside the house? I hate to think of you losing your possessions.