Not wanting marriage

[Melody909]

So what would you guys do if your partner didn’t want to get married, like ever? But you couldn’t imagine not getting married?

I feel like if you love and want to be with them you would be but then if you’ve always wanted to get married and be a ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ then that will never happen???

what’s your opinions?

You leave and find someone who shares your outlook. Relationships are about compromise but that’s quite a big thing to have to compromise on

Questions first.
Have either of you been married before?
Are there already children?
Are children/more children on the cards?

Certainly don’t have children with him. Unless he has been married before and you are both older with existing kids I’d leave. Generally it’s that they don’t want to marry you .. seen it so many time .. string someone along for years and they finally give up and writhing 18 months they are married to someone else .. don’t waste your youth on someone who doesn’t think you are good enough to marry.

Some people are ideologically opposed to marriage. I am. It’s nothing to do with how much I love my partner. If marriage is a dealbreaker for you then this person/relationship might not be the one for you

In that instance you have to decide how much marriage means to you, and only you can know that.

I wouldn’t have had children with my husband if we hadn’t been married so for me not marrying would have meant not having kids and I wouldn’t have been prepared to compromise on either of those things- the relationship would have been over for me.

I have a friend who’s partner doesn’t want to get married, neither of them plan on having children, and she has decided that she’s fine with not marrying and loves the relationship they have, not so not a deal breaker for her.

Everyone is different, only you can decide what you are prepared to give up.

There’s a big difference between not wanting to waste a load of unnecessary money on an extravagant wedding and not wanting to be married.

I could deal with someone just wanting to nip down the local registry to get it done but no marriage would be something I’d walk away from.

If you are even considering children, you should 100% be married first. This isn’t about traditions or having an old fashioned way of thinking. It’s about protecting yourself if the worst was the happen.

When couples have children it is predominantly the woman who will give up/take time off work to care for the children meaning they’re not earning as much/anything at all which leaves them in a vulnerable position.

It sounds like you aren’t aligning on your values and that doesn’t bode well for a lifetime together.

Dump and find a new boyfriend who wants the same life that you do.

I was not going to be just a girlfriend to any man, and said exactly that to my now-husband.
Marriage brings a load of legal protections and makes you legally a family. Being a live in girlfriend didn't appeal to me at all.

I think it depends on whether or not you want children and if either of you have been married before? My and my husband got married after children as other expenses got in the way first, and then raising 2 babies. But we were on the same page that we both wanted to, it just wasn't an immediate priority, where as having children was, as there is a time limit on that. I wouldn't have had children with him if he'd said he never wanted to get married though, and I know it was risky that he could have changed his mind. In hindsight we should have done the marriage thing first, but we are married now, and all is fine. If I'd realised that you didn't need to spend thousands of pounds and could get married with very little organisation, we would have done it years before, but I didn't really know anything about it, and never looked into it as everyone around us was having huge 5 figure weddings and that was completely unobtainable to us at the time. We had a small elopement wedding in the end,just us and the kids, then had a party with friends and family a week afterwards, and it was perfect.

Why do you so badly want to be married?
Do you have a willingness to explore that further? Do you have an attachment to the idea of being married and the labels that come with it? Is it a religious/cultural thing? Or do you just value some of the things that you associate with marriage, like making a lifelong committment to each other, merging your finances, promising to be there for each other through thick and thin? And are you willing to explore other ways to make those committments without actually getting married?

Why does he not want to get married? Can you empathise with his reasons and understand his perspective? Are they valid reasons?

I for example really like the labels that come with marriage. But not so much the whole wedding planning. So I've just been referring to my long-term partner as my husband for a while now. We have a legal cohabitation agreement, a mortgage, 2 children, merged finances and a few notarised agreements in place. But technically he's not my husband... I'm fine with that. He refers to me as his wife too lol.

You get out and don't waste any more time.

You want different things from life. Or at least he doesn't want to marry you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry someone else. I'd end it. Stop wasting your time.

I assume they made their feelings clear in the early stages of your relationship and are unlikely to change their mind.

I would walk away if I wanted children because marriage gives you financial protection in the event you separate. You'll receive a share of the house, savings, investments and pension if you divorce.

I would never get married again. But I was married when I had my DC’s and it was divorce that put me off for life.
I don’t see any benefit to marriage. I’m independent and earn more than my partner, have my own pensions and my own home. My life insurance goes to my DC’s.
If I were ever to marry and divorce again I’d be the one losing out financially.
But I’m honest about this and I wouldn’t string someone along and say I’d marry when I won’t.

If you are asking that sort of, frankly rather snide, question of the OP "why do you so badly want to be married?" I'd like to ask you, as an unmarried couple, why you refer to one another as 'husband' and 'wife' when you are neither. Smacks of double standards and a lack of respect for the institution of marriage.

i would leave.

I know that over time I would resent my partner and my discomfort at giving up my fundamental beliefs would grow and would kill the relationship. Better to get out now and look for someone who shares my values.

I also would be concerned that they were saying that purely to protect their assets and didn’t care about protecting me and I would not be comfortable with that especially if they wanted kids. I am a higher than average earner as is my husband so there would be inheritance tax at play as well as the hit to my career due to having DC. Not being married would be a huge financial disadvantage to me and I would not be willing to put myself in that position or be willing to have a partner who thought it was ok for me to be in that position.