Age gap advice/experience please

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

I've been in a relationship with a man 15vyrs older than me for over a year. This is not something I ever thought would happen, but we met (in the real world, by chance, not online) and immediately hit it off. We get on so well, have loads in common, similar interests. We have a great time together.

I have older primary aged DC, he has adult dc. We haven't done introductions yet.

We talk a lot and recently have been discussing "the future." He has developed concerns around us being at different stages, him retiring and me not, therefore not able to do the stuff with him that he'd want to do. Me having more time on my side in that respect. Whether we could live together (him being long out of the younger children stafe).

Im very much of the opinion that life's too short, neither of us expected to meet someone but we have and we can make these things work. I guess I'm looking for others experiences. Good and bad.

The problem is op you'll get both sides. The happily ever 89 fffffffffffffuffffffucctct, I

I think he’s got a sensible approach tbh. Practically, it gets trickier the older you get. At 35 and 50 it possibly doesn’t seem like a huge deal. At 50 and 65 it becomes bigger, particularly when thinking about retirement. At 65 and 80, the differences between your lifestyles and expectations, even if the older partner is in reasonable health will likely be quite staggering. In your case, you have the added complication of being in completely different stages of your life. It doesn’t sound as though, having already done his time a raising children, that he really wants to live with and help raise young children again. I’d take heed of that - he’s making clear noises early on that if probably isn’t for him. It’s easier to end things now than when you’re in deeper emotionally.

Some couples obviously make it work; it’s probably more feasible if they have children together and so are kept in that same life stage together. I think you need to have a really good think about what you want your longer term to look like.

What are the actual ages here?

What "stuff" is he looking at doing?

You have primary aged kids. You are busy with their schooling and activities and chauffeuring them around for some years yet.

He's looking at retiring soon and having someone free to do the things he wants to do, I'm assuming travel and activities. He's not likely to be interested in helping you raise your kids, he's done with that.

He's looking for a companion and due to your parental responsibilities, you're not going to be able to be that.

I think you're incompatible due to the very different life stages you are in. You are in the thick of raising a family and can't be the free to go anytime companion he seems to want. You have responsibilities that preclude that.

There's also careing to think about. What if he develops health issues? Are you willing to be a carer before your kids leave school or when they finally fly the nest? Caring is extremely hard.

It works until it doesn't. Then more decisions have to be made. My advice would be LAT.

There’s a 13 year age gap between DH and I, we met when I was 21.
Advantages were he was established financially with a good business and I had the energy and new vision to take that forward together and quadruple turnover.
Lovey holidays, living on our farm as a final home by the time I was 30.

DD born that year and at 43 he wasn’t too old and had oodles of patience with kids.

Ironically I was then ill for 20+ years and he looked after me. That wasn’t in the plan.

Now he’s 68 and has cancer and various other health issues and it’s my turn to step up and support him to manage the situation, researching holistic treatments with amazing results, setting up a passive income business and helping him transition from his workaholic tendencies to a really fun period.

He’s learning oil painting and working as a film extra.

We travel a lot in our camper.

I think it works because we are so financially entwined age is irrelevant.

He’s also very young at heart and probably still more adventurous than I am.

I can see issues if your DP wants to travel and you have other commitments with work or family but maybe your partner would embrace that.

I can see if our DD has a family our lives will change again and we would hope to be very involved grandparents more tied to home and school commitments again.

DP and I have a 15 year difference, I'm older than him.

We've been together almost 7 years, lived together almost 3, along with my 12 yo, and we're very happy.

That's because we have a very similar sense of humour, we enjoy the same things, we have similar mindsets despite the age difference.

The other thing we have, which is probably the most important, is shared goals, and the ability to meet them.

He will retire when I do. We will split our time between two countries, here and where his family is on 3 monthly cycles. We both have careers that allow contract work so we can work in either if we did decide we wanted to.

We are equal in terms of finances too.

Your DP is being sensible, and these things do need to be addressed, but as long as you have truly honest shared goals, then yes, it can work.

Thank you all.

I think the issues are greater because it is still relatively early days. Had we been together longer prior to his retirement then maybe things would be different, as soneonecsaud, you're financially entwined and plan as a couple. We both had fairly clear plans as two singles , neither of us looking for a relationship. Which is what I'm struggling with I guess - he had his own plans, alone i feel that it's amazing we've met, and we could do some of those things together (which is what he wants) but I coukdnt do it all with work/children's schooling etc.

More conversations to be had I think. I'll be quite devastated if things don't work out if I'm honest. Especially given that we have no actual relationship issues

Anything more than a five year age difference is starting to push things a bit, with the difference becoming more apparent the older you get.

Caution needed!

@StripyShirt never in a million years would I have considered "dating' with this age gap if I'm honest. But we met, got on, shared a hobby and it was very apparent there was more to it. Even then we were cautious. It just doesn't seem right to discount it on the age gap alone.

A really morbid consideration. I assume he is, say, 65 if you are talking about imminent retirement. And you are around 50. What happens if he dies in 5 or 10 years (not unlikely)? Do you want someone to likely grow old with and spend your own retirement with? Or would you be okay being single again at 60?

Now, of course, there are no guarantees. I’m 7 years older than Dh and have cancer in my 40s. But given women tend to live longer than men, we generally assumed we’d have a decent period together in old age and being grandparents. With a 15 year age gap and him being older, you are almost certainly signing up to be alone as you approach 65 or at least a carer in your later years. It’s a morbid thought, but it’s something to consider sadly.

I think it's fine, but I don't think I'd do introductions or rush to move in together. I tend to agree with him that it is less likely to work out well if you live together, with him being past the kiddie stage and also getting ready to retire. Does he have a nice house etc? If so, he may be concerned about what happens when he (sorry) dies. He may want his adult dcs to have the house? Just a thought.

If you're having fun and like each other just carry on. Yolo etc. Don't start trying to blend families or whatever. I honestly can't see that being easy with a big age gap (although wouldn't be impossible if he was up for it. But he isn't)

Great point.

There are 10 years give or take between DH and I. I truthfully never noticed it until he turned 50, and now he's mid 60s, I'm seriously struggling as he isn't aging well. He's had one medical condition after another in the last 15 years, he's tired, grumpy and lacking all the zest that he used to have. He won't walk the dogs with me often as apparently I walk too far and too fast. This in turn makes holidays awkward, I'll go off and walk with the dogs while he naps in a chair. We've stopped doing city breaks like we used to as he just wants to sit in a cafe drinking coffee then needing to find a toilet, while I'm craving to explore. Our last trip to New York may as well been a 5 day tour of finding a restroom.... and I came home tearful and overwhelmed. Some men age better than others, but after sharing with friends with partner's of similar ages, I'd say it's horribly common.....

Honestly, I'd be wary.

I think, mostly, if you've found love and happiness grab it with both hands.

But, 7 yrs between DH and I. The older we get the more noticeable the gap is becoming. We’ve clocked up 30yrs so far and no regrets, but it’d be fab if he wasn't older…you’ve both already got kids though so thats one less issue to worry about.

Perfectly understandable.

Never say never, and good luck to you both 🙂

@MarySueSaidBoo he's very fit and active, more so than me in fact, as he has more time to devote to his fitness. Of course that can change quickly/suddenly.

Be cautious. I have a 15 yr gap, becoming more of a problem for reasons already mentioned. But, I think if you see it for what it is - a second chance at love and happiness - go for it. Just go in with eyes wide open.

DH is nine and something years older than I am, so not a huge age gap, but still one I’ve given thought. We’re both athletic and keep ourselves healthy now, but having seen my parents, spritely and fit still in their sixties, noticeably grow more infirm as they’ve hit their seventies does just show the reality of what it’s possibly going to be like when I’m still relatively spritely with a husband a decade ahead of me. It is what it is and on practical level it helps massively that we’re childfree, both financially independent, and I’ve been planning financially to be retired by 55 for quite a while, so we’re not going to have those logistics to worry about too much.

It’s not necessarily an “end it now” scenario, but particularly if he’s making noises about wanting to travel, do active stuff, be a bit fancy free etc whilst you still have at least a decade of children at home and in school to work with, he needs to be honest with you about how he feels about that and whether he wants to do it again, rather than both of you just taking the vague “we’ll make it work because we never thought we’d get this chance at love” approach.

What are your actual ages at the moment?

From his perspective from what you have written I’d say the biggest deal breaker for him is your young kids .. having raised his own he’s unlikely to want to go back to that life again.. the moods the ties. I actually think he’s being sensible and calling these things out now before you get in too deep. It would be one thing if you were 20 years into a marriage but you are not and I can’t see practically how it can work long term as you are both at such different stages in life. I suspect the only way would be if you just keep it to casual dating but he sounds like he wants more than that .. someone to share retirement with .. you can’t practically do that unless you can afford to give up work

It's a great question to ask yourself OP. Time passes quickly, and different things will happen in life, some predictable and some not predictable. My DH is 10 years older than me. He's past retirement age, but continues to work with his business and has no plans to retire or stop working. He is very fit and healthy, but that can change at any time. I'm also fit and healthy, but practically speaking I really do expect he'll have health issues before I do. I think I could end up caring for him for several years. I'm happy to do that.