Is it time to walk away?

[Ready4achange]

Long story short. I (F, 37) married to DH (M, 38). No sex for 3 years. He has ED issues. We’ve talked and tried to work t together to help him, but he doesn’t seem to help himself. No intimacy past hugging and handholding. from my perspective, it’s ok to have the ED issues but other things can be done.
We may as well be housemates because that’s the kind of relationship we have. I want to end it but fundamentally he’s a nice guy and I’m afraid.
I can see my body clock ticking and I want to get on with my life… any advice? X

Do you want children OP?

Leave, especially if you want children.

He's not helping himself and if it were me I'd be very concerned he was deliberately trying to age me out of my fertile years.

Yes I do. He’s sought advice but I just feel like it’s too little too late. The thought of being intimate after this time isn’t nice but that’s because I feel we’ve become more like friends. I REALLY want kids.

Ouch!

Well from what I remember from school biology, him being "fundamentally a nice guy" isn't going to get the job done 😞 and, as you say, your clock is ticking.

If you don't even like the idea of intimacy now, that's not going to help matters either 😕

You say he doesn't seem to help himself, which is not helping you either in these circumstances. I'm sorry. Does he want children?

I left my first marriage at your age and didn't have children, but could easily have done so if I'd wanted to. You're in your prime OP!

If he's sought advice and wants to try to solve the problem that's a good thing surely? Or are you saying you only see him as a friend now, even though he has tried to fix his ED? Is he keen to have children too?

Leave!! You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t especially if you’re wanting children. Unfortunately for us women we have an only a limited amount of time to have babies. Don’t waste your life, everyone is entitled to be happy.

Yes it’s a good thing, but it’s come after me speaking with him. This hasn’t come from him wanting to sort things out. He says he wants kids too.

I completely sympathise with you, I was in a very similar situation as you so I understand how you’re feeling. My ex had ED issues and we had no sex for 3 years but we got along so well in other ways. He contacted GP but the wait times to see a specialist took ages, I started to lose my sexual attraction to him after so long and I left him. I went onto meet someone new and now have two lovely little ones. I was 28 and really wanted to be a mum. We have remained friends and told me he eventually got it sorted and he regrets not sorting it sooner. It turned out that he low testosterone which he has medication for now. My suggestion is to leave, even if it’s for a break, not permanent, just to see where your head is at. All I will say is I am so glad I left because being a mum and meeting someone new has been so much better for me and my life.

Thanks for this. Honestly it’s like the mirror image of my situation. I’m not far off 38 and I just feel like I’m missing my chance. He thinks it’s low testosterone too. He has a doctors appt at the end of the month for a blood test. That’s taken 2 months. That’s because I said I wanted to leave at the end of May. But as you’ve said, I’m finding myself less sexually attracted to him.
I think we’d make excellent housemates and support each other so well. I want to explore donor sperm to make my motherhood wishes come true, should I leave. X

Hmm, do you think he'd make a good dad? And also importantly, how would he feel if you did the sperm donor thing, knowing the child isn't his?

Leaving him will mean you'll almost definitely do sperm donation. Sorry but it's true, because to find a new man you'd need to run the dating gauntlet and it'll potentially take ages to find someone, and then you'd want to be with that guy at least a year to size him up wouldn't you?

Yes he’d make a good dad. When I asked him about using donor sperm, he understandably wasn’t happy with the idea so I haven’t done it. However, I can’t keep doing this. I need to to explore my options and if that’s means being a SMBC then I’m all for it. As you say, meeting someone else takes time x

It can be done. I have a good friend who's a SMBC, she's got a good job though (headteacher). And a beautiful daughter by sperm donation. Financially, could you stand on your own two feet?

This friend of mine is lovely, as well as an accomplished woman and good looking too. It always amazed me she had such trouble finding a man.

Yes I have a decent job. My concern about splitting with DH is our house but I feel strongly that we could live as housemates. It’s not too dissimilar to what we live like now.

Fuck. That.

I was your age and my relationship became sexless. He was actually 5 years younger.

I tried everything to fix it but in the end I left.

I'm in a wonderful relationship for the last few years with a man I adore and we have the greatest sex ever.

I can't tell you how much it affected my confidence that my ex wouldn't go near me, absolutely soul destroying.

Life is too short op and when I look back I realise I should have walked sooner.