Relationship issues

[alexis97]

Hi ladies, I hope you’re all okay. I came here to just offload. many of you already know my story and 12 weeks ago my husband left me for another woman at work who he was having an affair with. It was the most painful time of my life. I come with many updates.

I am now in my new home and have been for 3 weeks, life feels so much more peaceful now and I am starting to relax now I’m not in that environment.

I have put up with countless indirect ways of my ex reaching out to test the waters which have been shut down every time. He’s been difficult to parent with. He wouldn’t support me with childcare fees as he apparently couldn’t afford it so I’ve been doing everything myself financially for the kids. Last week he contacted me telling me he’s binned off the new woman because she wasn’t me and wanted me back to start from basics, apparently he really missed me. When he left he said he wasn’t happy with me and felt like that for a while. Apparently his mental health was spiralling and he now is on medication for it. He dragged my name through the mud and made so many lies about our split but now wants me back? When I said no he then tried to take back control. On the day he begged for me back he said his mental health was much better then 2 days later said he shouldn’t have called and he’s very poorly and he’s sorry..

His mam then jumped on the bandwagon who I have cut off as she was trying to justify his reasons for having an affair (apparently the marriage was in shambles, if so why did he want me back? And it wasn’t last time I checked) wanting to take our daughter to dance class every Sunday morning. I told her absolutely if it falls on his weekend as on my weekends I will have my own plans with the kids to which she just responded “fine”. They are a family who hate boundaries.

I think they all thought this was a temporary thing, he would go and have his affair and then come back as nothing happened, as for his mam her husband had an affair and it absolutely floored her so the fact she justified it? Vile..

my heath visitor had concerns about his behaviour from the beginning and she brought up that she had red flags from the moment she met him and she has begged me never to go back. I have a listening appointment with her regarding all of this. She sent me a text today while scheduling this in with information for harbour and told me to never hesitate to call the police if I need to. she said he seems to show traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

My best friend was then saying to never be too honest with the health visitor as they might get the social involved. It’s made me very worried but I want everything documented on file as that family and very vindictive and I want all documented incase it all goes to court. He’s been asking to have the kids more and more and I put the boundary in that it’s 50:50 3 days for one 4 days for the other then switch the next week. My family have been saying they think he’s attempting to maybe try for full custody with the influence of his mother.

I have a great standing I’ve worked with kids for 10 years, studying to be a trainee teacher along side working with children still, I’ve never been in trouble I’ve always kept my head down. I did everything for those babies he never helped and I was always the married single mam. I raised them alone for a long long time and now we aren’t together he’s got this dad of the year act on.

Our eldest has autism and the health visitor stood there infront of me last week and told me that her improvements were all down to me, and she told me that I am absolutely amazing, I’m a fantastic mam and I should be proud, I don’t live in her area now but she’s keeping me on as one of her families to support us. She looked round my very minimally furnished home and said how lovely it is and she will support in any way she can. She’s just happy I’m no longer with him and to never go back.

I honestly feel so confused… I just want to protect me and my children and I feel at a loss. I’m terrified and scared. They are my world and I couldn’t live without my babies. Am I worrying unnecessarily?

Glad to hear you are doing well OP. I empathise with being a single married mam and then suddenly divorce is in the cards and dad of the year pops up. A solicitor told me that this is common behaviour for men in that situation. It is hard not to worry but several people have said to me that if a child has at least one adult in their life who is really looking out for them then they will be ok.

He’s played a lot of mind games with me recently begging for me back and things. Told so many lies about me during the split and apparently he wasn’t happy anymore but wants to run back? If I made him so miserable why would you do that?

My main concern is the HV sending me links for DV and telling me to contact the police if I need to? I feel like that’s really serious which makes me scared social services may get involved and it may get messy? I know I’m a great mam but it all still really scares me. I couldn’t live without my kids they are my world. I know I’m just thinking worse case scenario but it’s so frightening.

So many health professionals have said I’m looking so much better and the health visitors comments towards my parenting should have been a boost, so many people tell me I’m an amazing parent. I’m just in such a funny place at the moment and anxious.

Your ex and his mum will want you to believe they have all the power, especially since you’ve escaped their control and shown you won’t be pushed around.

Keep a log of the dates and times of all of the nastiness, both past and future, because it’s not just about being able to turn up in court looking presentable and pretending you’re father of the year that counts, it’s the pattern over time that they will care about. And don’t let them make you believe that refusing to take back a cheating turd makes you a bad mum for not putting the family first: he want thinking of the family when he left you for OW, and you’re putting the family first by providing stability with you as their parent.

You’re right to question his motives. He wants you back because he doesn’t want the drudgery of looking after himself - and the kids on his days - and because he knows that he will have to pay child support and will be seen to have blown up his own marriage like an idiot. His life is going to change for the worse, whereas yours will only improve without him bringing you down.

The HV clearly sees you for who you are and is trying to help, which is why she’s providing you with those resources. With luck, you may never need them as you have done the hardest part in leaving him, but it’s good that the information is to hand if you need it.

You’ve got this 💐

Social services would be notified if the children witness any DV, or if the police were called while they are present, but they wouldn't be taken away. You'd just all be offered support.
(I work with children too, if you put your professional hat on I'm sure you've known families with their involvement without ever thinking they were about to have the children removed!)