I am going mad… is it me?

[Momofboys2022]

I have been with my partner for 17 years. Not married. We have 3 kids all in high school. When we first met he was affectionate and organised dates etc. I moved into his home that he owns and he pays all the bills. I left work to care for our children. We then built a house. He didn’t put me on the mortgage. He says it is not as straightforward as that as he was remortgaging other stuff at the time and my finances would have complicated everything. Our love has dwindled over the years. He never kisses me, tells me im
pretty or shows any affection. I have also stopped doing this as it wasn’t reciprocal and I felt used and thought ‘why should I’ when I was always the only one being affectionate. Never hearing a kind word spoken to you is so hurtful. He will say that I am the one who pulled back first. He may be right but it is deeper than that as I genuinely don’t feel he cares about me as there is nothing coming from him. He never asks me how my day is. He says he doesn’t have to because I always tell him anyhow. But he doesn’t ask follow up questions or seem curious about my life at all. I was away for a few days and when I got home he did not ask one thing about how it was or what I did. He is so defensive. I was angry about the kids tonight and he told me to stop shouting at him. I said I’m not shouting at you, I’m shouting to you about the kids cause they’ve annoyed me. Then we got in an argument over this cause he said I was shouting at him which I wasn’t. I then asked him a question about something he had told me and he accused me of calling him a liar. Again I didn’t I was being curious and the information was excessive. But not because I didn’t believe him. He is always doing this. Every convo turns into an argument unless I am in the happiest of moods or laughing at the jokes he tells for the 1000th time. I feel he is defensive and this is causing our problems. He says it’s me that im always criticising him. I am trying to connect with him to make us better for ourselves and for our kids. That is my intent. He never ever brings up anything I do wrong until I need to talk to him about how he’s hurt me. Then that time becomes all about him and he gets defensive and we argue and nothing gets resolved. He will say a different story to me. But I am really upset. I don’t know how to be around him. and I am also stuck financially. I don’t work and everything is in his name and we aren’t married. I’ve been to a few different solicitors who say I’m entitled to nothing and I’m scared

Is what you? It sounds like a very unhappy set up, you’re both miserable.

You’ve had legal advice, sensible, so what are you going to do? With all the kids in secondary getting a job seems like the best first step. If he decides to break up with you you’re majorly screwed so aim for financial independence and you’ll be on safer ground and have the option to dump him.

You'd best get busy getting some kind of training so you can find a job. It's only a matter of time before either one of you walks away.

I do find it strange that you would be entitled to nothing after 17 years, but I don't know UK law on this at all. Where I am you are considered equivalent to married after a certain amount of time living together as a couple, meaning you are legally entitled to the same benefits as if you were formally married. Even if you aren't going to get spousal support you would surely be entitled to child support for your children, would you not? Surely the solicitors told you that?
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for commenting. My partner says it’s me and I need to change. I feel it’s his communication style where any sort of mildly inconvenient conversation makes him feel attacked. I feel I can never bring anything difficult to him as he will not hear it with the intention that I mean. We are miserable is right. I am currently doing a course which finishes in December then I will be working.

He runs a business and declares virtually nothing so on paper I would get very little child support or any.

Then he's cheating on his taxes. You can use the threat of reporting that as leverage to get him to pay child support. You need a tough, pitbull type lawyer who will take him on.

As you say, you don’t know the U.K. laws. Child support is done through the CMS, no lawyer, pitbull nor otherwise, can get anything out of him and OP is right that as he’s self employed and under declares his earnings she’s not in a good spot to rely on that. With the kids at secondary school she might not get child support for that many years as it stops at 18 if that’s when they finish school.

On the marriage thing, people in OP’s position have fewer rights than a tenant living with a landlord. If you don’t opt in to legal marriage you don’t have the protections or responsibilities of marriage. She’s right to focus on training and a job.

You're not alone—something's just weighing heavy on you

Finish your training, and get a job as soon as you can. Otherwise as you're not married, not on the mortgage and he pays for everything you have no legal rights. All you can do is aim for financial independence so you can get away from him.

Wow, that really sucks! It's ridiculously unfair and seems like it's meant to protect men from having to take responsibility.
Yeah, her focus should be on earning a living now. It's a horrible spot she's in. I hope she comes out okay.

The first question is: do you want to work on this relationship, or do you want to get help finding a way out without destroying your financial future?

In the first scenario: I'd definitely suggest couples counselling, somewhere they use the Gottman approach. Your communication styles fit perfectly in what Gottman describes as the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling), which are a substantial predictor for relationship unhappiness and separation.

In the second scenario, I agree with what previous posters have said. Get yourself training, an income and a job ASAP.

So, what do you want to do?

OP, have you read the other thread on here where a woman's dad is going to be kicked out of the house when his partner dies, even though they've been together almost 30 years?

In some ways I want to work on the relationship. We have been to therapy before which did not work because my other half does not believe he is doing anything wrong. I have tried to bring to his attention his poor communication style and defensiveness. It always ends up in an argument because …. Yep he gets defensive. I often wonder if I had financial freedom what my attitude to this would be. I worry that I am trying hard for the relationship because I am trapped so have no choice but to try to work on it. I also have not read the other thread. I will try to find it now.

Yes you’re not being true to yourself because you are trapped. So now you’ve realised this you need to do something about it.
Too late to protest that you’ve given your youth and time to raise the children. You didn’t get married so you don’t have security.
Who knows how he will react when you change but the sooner you start to get independence the better it will be. Whether you stay together or not.
You could either explode a bomb in the relationship by insisting on some financial provision or marriage or you could quietly get on with the study and work plan. I’d probably choose option 2 because of the DC.

Get yourself to financial independence asap. Seriously. Dependence has all kinds of emotional and practical ramifications.

I've seen the results first hand (and they were married and on the mortgage!) and it's not good.

Therapy will not work here because he is abusive and there is really nothing to work on.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Why do you want to work on this when he’s not bothered with you anyway as well as abusive?. It’s over or it should be and was over a long time ago. He’s robbed you of many things and the only good to have come out of this is your three children(I guess they have his surname rather than yours).

Your boundaries here in relationships are really poor and he’s taken full advantage of your youth and lack of life experience.

Do not stay in such a poor, let alone abusive, relationship because of the children. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control and currently he has absolute here. He’s done you up like a kipper. He chose not to name you on his mortgage deliberately and lied to you about the reasons for not adding you either.

Feel the fear and start planning your exit now and with due care. You met this man when you were a teenager so you likely have no real idea of who you actually are because he’s stifled you emotionally and financially.

What sort of job will your training led to?. Can you start finding paid work now or will he likely sabotage any attempt for you to enter the workplace?. I would in any case start looking for paid work and have your wages paid into an account he cannot access.

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and get their advice too.

I’ll be a psychologist when I finish. I am only too aware of the example set to me growing up and how it is replaying now. I’m so cliche. I can’t do any additional paid work now. I have to make it work for now otherwise I will be miserable. Without some hope it is unbearable and I have to remain optimistic for not only myself but for the children.