Is it just bickering?

[notthemayo]

Here’s the background - DP and I have a baby (13 months). I’ve had a rough time lately and am on antidepressants. He’s had a rough life in general and probably should go on medication too but refuses.

Since baby’s been born, I’ve been feeling a bit wobbly in our relationship. It’s just not as strong as it was - I feel like I’m providing a good ‘service’ in terms of looking after DC, but other than time with baby, DP and I are quite separate. He still enjoys his hobbies, I have none (which, to be fair, only bothers me sometimes). But we’ve starting bickering occasionally that escalates into full blown arguments.

For example, this evening I asked him to go to the local shops (5 mins away) to pick up an ingredient for dinner that I was cooking, and he got very angry (think, ‘I’ve been working all fucking day, what have you been doing?’ etc). When I tried to explain to him that I hate this approach as it makes me feel scared, he mocked me for feeling that way, said what I was saying was ‘bullshit’ and that I ‘always have to be right and the better person’. Apparently I always have to prove I’m ‘better’ than him, which isn’t true - I think he feels this way because I find it beneficial to talk through our issues and explain them in ‘when X happens, it makes me feel…’, which is what we were advised in couples therapy a while ago.

These aren’t the first insults he’s thrown my way - and he’s very quick to forget them/dismiss them as heat of the moment type things. But it hurts so much. And I’m worried I’m going to model to my child the sort of relationship that they don’t deserve.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Is this normal? Is there a way back? Thanks for reading if you got to the end :)

No not normal

Posted top quick , not normal at all for you to be afraid. What else is going on ?

He sounds emotionally abusive. Not normal and probably can't be resolved. Abusers don't change. I'm sorry.

You shouldn’t be afraid. At all. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you need to leave is there anywhere you can go?

Thank you @Coffeislife@MuckFusk@SmugglersHaunt. I’ve been making excuses for him for a long time, I think. He’s said some truly horrible things to me in the heat of the moment that he just expects me to move on from.

I’ve been considering moving home with my parents for a bit, but have never managed to commit to it. I think, in my heart of hearts, I’ve wanted to separate for a while, I just don’t know where to begin.

its very common that relationships are put under pressure when you have a baby. You are probably both tired/ sleep deprived and emotions are harder to control when tired. Also it’s difficult to get any quality time together, just you two so your relationship takes a hit. Having said that, it’s a little worrying that you were scared. Is that just because you don’t like confrontation or has he given you a reason to be scared? A lot of people on here will jump to the conclusion he is being abusive but there isn’t enough evidence for that in what you wrote. Him getting annoyed at being asked to go to the shop is not abuse.

What was your relationship like before? Sounds a bit strained if you went to couples therapy. If he isn’t someone who can easily talk through his emotions he may find that when you use the method you were taught by the therapist it makes him feel inadequate. I know my husband finds it intimidating when I talk through things because he just isn’t able to do that so easily.

That’s really interesting, thanks for sharing @Jurassicparkinajug. I felt scared because I absolutely hate arguments and the way he presents himself during them (shouting, stamping around, name calling etc) He’s from a very volatile family where behaving like this is completely normal and you can just move on in the next 10 minutes. I find it emotionally exhausting, and it’s not something I want our child to normalise.

Our relationship has always been one of highs and lows - when it’s good, it’s great. But he refuses any kind of introspection and hates anything therapy-speak, despite recognising that he needs extensive therapy himself for childhood trauma.

So in short, a lot going on behind the scenes and I’m never sure what to do as a next step. I just know that when we argue it feels awful, and that I’m tired of him using arguments as an opportunity to tell me what’s ‘wrong’ with me.

Except he wasn't just "annoyed", was he?
I agree that when I ask my husband to go to the shop and he feels annoyed, then I wouldn't say I was being abused by him.
Name calling, swearing, belittling OP, accusing her of not having done anything that day, stomping his feet, insulting her... All for a very normal request to go to the shop... that's abusive behaviour. You can soften it all up due to sleep deprivation, but that doesn't change the fact that it's abusive behaviour.

And this is coming from someone who's husband had a very serious post-partum depression when my youngest daughter was born, which also resulted in him displaying abusive behaviour towards me. Yes, he wasn't himself. Yes, he was sleep deprived and struggling emotionally. But yes, it was still abusive and I was his victim at that time. The circumstances don't change the impact it has on others, nor their right to feel hurt by this behaviour.

OP, I think it's time to reflect on what kind of life you want for you and for your child. You deserve better than this.
I gave my husband an ultimatum to get help and treatment. I'm very thankful that he took me seriously and has made massive improvements, but believe me when I say I wouldn't have stayed any longer if he hadn't.

@Girlmom35thanks so much for taking the time to comment in such depth. It sounds like your former situation is similar to my own, and you gave me lots to think about.

DC and I have gone away for a few days to visit family now. Yesterday, he asked for an air clear before we left and apologised for snapping and shouting, which was welcome. However, he restated the fact that he feels I think I’m ’better than him’, ‘provoke him’ into these moods, and that I ‘always have to be right’. In previous years, he’s always promised to see a therapist, but this has never materialised. I think because I’ve never followed through on actually leaving (despite setting boundaries), he’s so used to me just getting on with it that he doesn’t feel he needs to change. This has given me real pause for thought.

He says he’s very stressed at the moment, but then so am I (I work a senior role in an industry known for its stressful working conditions). And I don’t call him names etc.

I think perhaps a final conversation about getting himself to therapy is called for. If he doesn’t do it, I don’t think I’ve got the energy to keep going on this ‘forgive-and-forget’ cycle.