When to leave…..

[Butterflyvalley]

Is it ever a good idea to stay for the sake of your family unit?

I know my husband isn’t my ‘forever’. I do not want to grow old with him. We are fundamentally very different and have different values (which has come more and more to light as we have got older). Have been married 14 years.

I had decided to stay for my eldest son until he leaves education ( another 6 years yet!) but I just don’t think I can do it.

He’s so so very selfish. We have no relationship emotionally or physically. We have no connection. He barely utters two words to me and if he does it’s to moan about something.

He is basically using me to look after his home and children and ‘keep up appearances’.

I decided initially to stay as I’m from a broken home and I was willing to sacrifice my own personal happiness for a secure family unit for my children. But if I ever have a moment to think about things I realise that I am so desperately unhappy.

I keep thinking I will have my time for happiness again but for now my children’s family and childhood is more important….

And then I have days like today when I think WTAF am I doing!!!!

What school stage is your son at? Would you be able to remain in the family home with the DC?

No I wouldn’t be able to stay in the family home. It’s too expensive to run.

My eldest son is just going in to year 6.

How is your partner with the children? Do they have a good fun relationship? Does your partner add value to their life's?
If the answer to all of this is yes then there may be a little reason to stay , if no what are you waiting for?
I did not have a broken home but my Dad was like part of the furniture just there, to be fair my mum wasn't the best.
My children were very young when we split and although it wasn't my choice I don't regret it. My kids are great and older but can see that they didn't miss anything.
You will be so much happier 💛

He does to the older child, but has nothing to do with the younger child who has SEN.
He is very active with my older sons extra curricular outside of the home but doesn’t interact with any of us inside the home. Is either at work, working, watching sport or on his phone.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not do this to yourself and in turn your children. There are no medals given out for martyring yourself. Another six or so years of this crap from your so called H will truly break you and your kids and a full load of emotional damage will have been well and truly done by then. Be brave here and make the break sooner rather than later.

Staying for the sake of the children never works out well for all concerned. Look at the many threads from adult children who knew that their parents should have split up long before they actually did or in some cases did not. They knew, as do your children to some extent, know far more about the parlous state of your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Staying with your H for your eldest son (its a terribly heavy burden to place on him) is no reason for staying in a loveless marriage and it is not going to be "easier" for you either.

It is not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is.

Who gives a shit about your current house other than you; it is but bricks and mortar and to you and your kids it is an unhappy home. It is certainly not the sanctuary it should be.

And just what are they going to remember about their own childhoods if you stay with their dad?. Their sibling relationship is going to be damaged and perhaps even beyond repair if you stay with him. Such disparity of treatment between the siblings by their dad should not be at all tolerated.

I would urge you to seek legal advice re all the aspects of divorce asap in the event you have not already done so. You need a lawyer well versed in the ways of such manipulative and otherwise abusive men.

I see what you're saying here, but there are also multiple threads of people whose parents divorced and they were miserable as well. Especially if the father then left (or mother, but lets be honest its generallly the father) and didn't get to see them much.... and they felt abandoned and rejected and how much that affected them deeply, to the point their mental health was shattered.
OP I'm in a similar situation and have decided to stay. My H is great with the kids, does a lot with them and they have a great relationship. Me and him don't. But I am abdication my happiness for theirs. I know I'll get burned here, but I do understand your post, and I don't think it's always so black and white that "kids will be better with 2 happy parents, separated"... there are many situations where that isn't true.

I would suggest you leave as soon as you are able to line up your ducks, I.e. when it becomes feasible in terms of finances.

Don’t keep kids in an unhappy home learning that their parents’ relationship is ‘normal’.
Give them a happy home, even if it’s a smaller one.
Go sooner rather than later- the longer you stay, the more lack of feelings will give way to acrimony and reduce the chances of amicable co-parenting.
Bottom line is - if it’s over, the best time to go is now.

The term “broken home” is a really ugly, unpleasant one, and really unhelpful. Some of the most functional families I knew growing up and know now involved separated parents co-parenting sensibly and reasonably.

A home where there is no love or happiness between the parents is really problematic because that becomes the children’s model for an adult relationship.

In this case, there is also a really troubling disparity in how OP’s husband treats their shared DCs.

That’s not to say that it is always wrong to decide to stay - there may be reasons why that remains preferable - but it’s important to be alive to the downsides of that decision and try to mitigate them as far as possible.

OP you deserve to be happy. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship for your kids. You can make a new life for yourself, be happier and a happy mum makes for happy kids.