Dating someone with kids

[HedgeHogFan1980]

Looking for advice please?
I am 34 (F) with no kids, and I am building a connection with someone who has 3 kids already. We seem to be getting on well, and the plan is to take things slow, but I am unsure how I feel about the fact that he already has 3 of his own. I'm looking to date someone to settle down with and I'd love to have kids of my own. When asked if he would have more, he has said "never say never" so is non-committal on the subject.
I can't make up my mind if it's worth pursuing this connection because we do get on well, or if whether he has kids already and may not want more, I should stop things in it's tracks?
Has anyone got any thoughts they'd be willing to offer?
Thanks in advance!

you're 34 and in the nicest possible way you don't have loads of time to hang around for someone who's in the non-committal category. Also bear in mind the intricacies of meeting and being accepted by his kids and then adding another child to their world. Not to mention the cost of supporting 4 or more kids!

When I was in my late 20s I dated a chap who was in his late 30s, divorced with two young children.

My thoughts would be firstly how do you feel about having his children in your life? I assume that he has them some of the time and this will impact on your time together and also finances.

Secondly, I wanted children. My ex strung me along with lots of ‘maybe’s’ and ‘we’ll see’ which turned out to mean a firm no to more children. If he’d been up front from the start I wouldn’t have wasted my time. Be aware.

I’m around the same age as you and I wouldn’t go near a man with kids with a barge pole. Absolutely no desire to become a step-parent / get embroiled in any co-parenting drama. So it’s a complete no-no for me, but only you know your drama tolerance. The other thing to consider is, a man who already has 3 kids may not be in any rush to have more kids. He may however use the prospect of having a child together with you as a carrot to keep a woman around who will help him look after his kids. Red flags all round, I’m afraid.

If you read the Step parenting board you'll see a lot of posts from women who were in your place Op and they've found out marrying a man with DC is a lot more complicated then it seemed. Finances, space, whether you get on with his DC and/or their DM, a lot of sacrifices often need to be made for the existing DC.
Unless you are totally starstruck by this man you might want to keep looking

Nope. Not great for you, his kids,or your future kids. Great for him as he gets to shag someone lovely while not thinking about his own kids and what's best for them. Just don't.

Thank you all very much for your thoughts on this one. I think my gut instinct is lining up with most of what has been said in this thread...
I don't think it helps that he is 41 and I guess fertility wise might not be able to have more?
Thanks though all! You've helped a lot :)

Men's fertility doesn't decrease like a woman's op. But I can't imagine after 3 dc and cms he will be in mind to do it all again... Imo.

Even if he had no kids he is non-committal. That would be enough for me to walk.

(Also 3 - that’s far too many for me to consider dating that man!)

"When asked if he would have more, he has said "never say never" so is non-committal on the subject."
Sounds like he means "no" to me and is too cowardly to say it directly and risk you leaving, even though he knows that you want children so would be pissed off if he later revealed it was a no.
Children are expensive and take up a lot of time and energy. Not many people can afford 4 or 5 children, or want to dedicate the required amount of time and energy to them.

Honestly -don’t!
I married a man who had kids already -it was never a happy marriage -the guilt/expense/continuing difficulties was just awful.
Go it alone if necessary -will be less lonely.

I honestly would advise against it. I have dc myself and dh has 1 dc. I foolishly thought being a stepmom would be easy, but it’s far from it. He will forever be connected to his exw and many are manipulative and still try to control their exh.
Knowing what I do now, I’d never advise dating someone with kids.

No OP. It's not a good idea for pretty obvious reasons. Will you like his kids, will they like you, do you really want to be a step-mum, will you cope with the inevitable dramas and traumas that 3 kids bring to your life. Their existence will dictate holidays, finances, your social life - everything really. And if you bring a fourth child into the equation - well just imagine how much pressure and soul searching that will add.

I’m with someone who has two kids at the moment and it is a nightmare. I don’t have my own kids and honestly I want to have a nuclear family unit and not have two incredibly poorly behaved children being a negative influence on my own. DP has daily arguments with the ex about custody, school pick ups and holidays. Trust me, you will feel as if the ex is in a polyamorous relationship with the two of you. Making an exit strategy at the moment. Honestly, just don’t do it.

I echo the posts above...I've been seeing a man for about 2.5 years now, he has a young child from his previous marriage. It has been up and down, and tbh I find it v difficult at times. Even if you have a child together his time and money will be restricted, plus other people's children are annoying, its just human nature. And yes, you will have to deal with the ex FOREVER. I wouldn't bother.

I agree.

I see “never say never” as “no” but not wanting to say that and risk the person leaving.

Never say never seems to mean he doesn't want to straight up say no but he's wouldn't mind having you stick around as a bangmaidnanny.

He's got 3 kids to raise. That's expensive.

Often I'd be much more open-minded on this. There are loads of examples of step-parenting being untenable, but also other examples where it works really well. Depends on the setup and individuals involved.

BUT in this situation, given your age, wanting children, and him being vague about that? No way. Things would need to move slowly with stepchildren in the picture - you'd need time to date without becoming a stepmother, then lots of time to all get used to being a step-family, before ttc. It'd be a risk to get to, say, 38 with a man who had absolutely promised you this was his intention, as there are still no guarantees. I would strongly advise against doing all the waiting this situation requires for a man who isn't even saying he's definitely up for it in the end.

I should add, that I wrote that as someone who’s dating someone with a child BUT we are both older that you two and from the outset were very clearly agreed about no more babies!!

If you want your own children find someone else.

This man clearly does not want any more DC. He’s being vague because he doesn’t want to say no outright, as he knows you’ll walk away.

If you want DC, you will need to leave him. Plenty of men without DC either whom you can start a family; go for one of them!

how old are his kids and how often does he see them?

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the advice, and particularly from those who have been/are currently in situations of step parenting.
His three are all under 10 years old. Sees them every 2nd weekend.
It is a lot.