Is this the end?

[SeekingSolutions76]

Hoping for some help and clarity, having a tough time so be gentle please.

been with my husband a long time since I was 18. Now 49. He’s 57. We have grown up children only one living at home.

I realise now that perhaps my stubbornness to go against what my mum said led me to staying with him and getting married even when I deep down knew it wasn’t right. That is of course my fault and I have been unkind to everyone here particularly when he could have moved on and found someone else and so could I. I don’t regret the relationship because without it I wouldn’t have my children.

there have been issues down the line, controlling behaviour, moodiness which resulted in us treading on eggshells around him but fast forward to the last year and I am finding it incredibly difficult to see the man he is today with the man I met who had some good qualities. I am not that stubborn that I would have stayed with him if he didn’t have things that I was attracted to.

he has found god, now I’m not against religion but he’s now saying things like he’s praying for my soul and that I will find god as well. He has become increasingly gross in his behaviour, making comments about people of different race and religions and being embarrassing in voicing his opinions. We have had several arguments where I have told him to keep his awful opinions to himself.

I have a health condition at the moment and am heavily medicated for a while and for a lot longer due to nhs wait lists. He knows how much pain I am In but still tries it on. Knowing that I would be in pain so much as to cause me to be in tears.

are we done? Sorry I know this is long and there is so much more to say about his laziness and tightness but I don’t want people to not read and give opinions.

user name changed as well as I’m sure some
information I may give out will be identifying.

I’d say so. Why on earth would you want to have sex with someone you don’t seem to like?

It sounds like you'd be happier if it was the end. so I'd say so, yes.
What is his relationship with your children like?

The relationship with the children is not great. The oldest moved out because he would basically pick on him. Constant criticism and telling him he was wrong and how he would never make anything of himself. I nearly left him them but financially couldn’t afford to.
ds is doing well and still he criticises him, says he’s lying about things when he isn’t.
ds2 moved out but he’s 23, although there is still an
element of him not being nice to him. His career choice, h had a part time role many years ago in a similar field but not similar enough to be able to tell ds he’s wrong. It was also more than 30years ago and things change. Ds is in the job now and so obviously has a more current understanding of the role.
now just dd at home and again will constantly criticise. Will send her messages telling her to mop the floors etc despite him being home by 12 and her being at work until 3.
she only got her job because he prayed for her and nothing to do with the work experience placement where she proves how good she is at the job.

I want to like him. I don’t want to throw away 30years. I know we have both changed

How can you like him when he is so unlikeable? His religion is making him judgemental and racist rather than kind, and making him feel superior to people of other races and religions, when in fact he sounds utterly mediocre.

He is unkind to your children so that should be the final straw and the impetus to get rid of him.

reframe this in your mind- you’re not throwing away 30 years, you are gaining the next 30 years of happiness away from this awful man who has driven your children away. Free yourself- you’ll be so much happier.

I know it's easy to say, but I could not live like that. Or have sex with dh if those were his attitudes.
I'm afraid to me it sounds over, op. But that must be very hard after so long
I do think you'll be much happier after you split, though. And better now than in 10 years.

I saw a Facebook post recently from someone back in my original midlands hometown making rude comments about a couple of Indian doctors - given that he’s early 60s and a part time van driver , I couldn’t help but think how bloody inadequate a lot of people are that they have to resort to bringing it down to race and religion and yet somehow making it sound as if they are superior in some way - your Partner sounds somewhat like this OP - people change, if you don’t actually like him much ( and I wouldn’t) then do both him and yourself a favour and let him find someone who has his view of the world - they can go on Reform rallies together!!

Thanks for confirming what I already knew.
I think I did love him to start with but the changes are ones I don’t like and to be honest one’s i saw coming.
laziness and being tight with money is also very unattractive.
now for the hard bit and how to approach it, knowing that it is going to kick off and not be a pleasant experience.

he has found god, now I’m not against religion but he’s now saying things like he’s praying for my soul and that I will find god as well. He has become increasingly gross in his behaviour, making comments about people of different race and religions and being embarrassing in voicing his opinions. We have had several arguments where I have told him to keep his awful opinions to himself.

Whose God has he found? I don't know anyone religious who carries on like this. All the world religions teach tolerance and kindness towards others. He's just a dick, to be honest and yes - it sounds like the marriage is done.

He hasn't actually found religion, has he? He's just found a different way of demonstrating how unpleasant he can be to other people.

@SeekingSolutions76 I’m sure you did love him - and he you - but in my opinion love isn’t always unconditional and isn’t fixed and it can just as easily disappear in a puff of smoke due to behaviour - I’ve been married a long time too, about same as you and you mustn’t see it as a failure, it’s simply the end of an era - you no longer’suit’ and yep prepare for him being a twat.

Have you considered maybe having some counselling? By yourself I mean, definitely NOT together with him. You need to start unpicking why you want to like him, and why you don't want to leave.

He is a nasty, unpleasant, abusive man with highly intolerant views, who pesters you for sex knowing it will hurt you, and is still so obnoxious to your dc that they barely want any contact with him.

By ending this relationship, you would not be throwing 30 years away. Those 30 years are gone now and your memories of happy times will still be there. Your memories of bad times will still be there too.

What you really need to think about is the next 30 years. Look up the sunk cost fallacy in relationships, and it will explain why keeping on trying is not a good idea.

There is a fantastic piece as part of one of his shows where comedian Chris Rock says…
I’m trying to find God before God finds me.
Where he thinks about his past poor behaviours and then likes to be seen to give money to charity. Now of course it’s comedy, but there’s a truth in it.
This man met you when you were a teenager and he was nearly 30 and while he’s ’provided’ you with three children he’s clearly messed them up. You, too. You are only 49 and he’s not far off 60.
Religion. It’s a funny kind of religion (I’m assuming it’s Christianity?) where he is told we are all equal in the eyes of God except, of course his wife, his children, people who aren’t white and anybody else he dislikes.
And he can’t blame his age as I’m a year younger. His attitude toward your daughter around mopping floors - it’s 2025, not 1955.
As for the wanting to have sex when you are in pain, well, that’s godly isn’t it? Er, no….
He’s not found God. He’s found a shitty persona to hide his other shittier persona behind.
Part of the reason you are ill, and living in pain is due to the stress your body is under. Your body keeps the score.
You are only 49. However you can do it, save yourself and your children, because grown up or not they are suffering. You can start again.
You could have a good three decades ahead and if you don’t leave you will find yourself being a carer for a miserly, racist old twunt.
Let him go and meet a religious lady in Church. They can sit and have teas on knees watching GB News shouting racist abuse before bedtime prayers.
Save yourself.

Yes it’s Christianity. Nothing stops him going to church every Sunday unless of course he has a hangover (happened once by the way so not sharing this is a regular thing) and I think you are right. He is seeking forgiveness for his ways.
this is one the things that we always agreed on how to redo coke the fact that someone could do something terrible but if they repented or begged god for forgiveness then they would be forgiven and get to be cleansed of their wrongdoings.
but this is what he is doing. He’s not a murderer or a rapist but he’s not been a nice or good person. He has been lazy for many years now and at back with working minimal hours whilst I work two jobs to keep us afloat.
given me the silent treatment when my mum took me on holiday and said I had to now take him on holiday or my mum should pay for us to go away.

I think some counselling for me would be a good idea to unpack my feelings and why I feel that I should hang on to a relationship that has very little positives.

Saying not sharing. Sorry should proof read but he’s home now and keeps asking me what I’m doing.

Ah the old Church Angel, home devil.
Sees you as a nurse with a purse.