Limerance

[TheSillyBalonz]

Hi

This maybe a bit of a long one, so if you get to the end of the post it's very much appreciated.

Over a year ago I found screenshots on my husbands phone. Messages from a work colleague along with screenshots of love quotes.

I questioned him about this and he admitted he had feelings for a co-worker. This absolutely destroyed me, it has wrecked my confidence, my trust, and have also been suffering with anxiety.

He said the feelings are completely one way, she has no idea of his feelings for her. He has had counselling for this along with other issues. He told me months ago that he was over it, but it's come to light very recently that he still feels the same way about her.

My question is has anyone ever dealt with this before? I have no idea how much longer I can keep thinking he will get over her. Why is he with me if he can feel this way about another women he said he still wants to be married to me and he is still fully invested in our marriage. We have 2 amazing DC and built a good life together.

Any advice/words of wisdom would be great right now.

More importantly - do YOU want to stay with him? What do YOU want?

Sorry @TheSillyBalonz that is an awful position to be in. Whilst no one can help how they feel it’s obviously going to impact on your relationship. If she did feel the same way would he not act on it? Or is the only reason he’s not having an affair because she isn’t interested?

I’m not sure I could get over it but if I was even going to attempt to I would expect him to be moving jobs and not to contact her outside of work. Has he offered any of this?

I want to stop feeling the way I do, I want to go back to being happy. I want me to be the only women he has romantic feelings about.

I think limerance is often a form of escapism, you probably get a dopamine hit from it. It’s often not actually real iyswim. How is the rest of your marriage/family life?

Agreed you can't help your feelings but I think once he realised he had started to get feelings for her he should have cut things off immediately. I 100% believe he would have had an affair if she had started things off. There is a 10 year age gap between the 2. I have seen the messages and it it just general chit chat.

I wouldn't ask him to move jobs, he loves his work and he works hard and has moved up the ladder so to speak. I did ask him to stop messaging her, as at one point the messages were going backwards and forwards. He said he wouldn't because it might make him look bad, so I said I would message her and tell her to stop messaging him. He had quite the outbursts and said I wasn't looking at the bigger picture and that could get him in to trouble at work.

Our marriage was going well, we had the rare argument but generally good. He said when she complimented him it made him feel good, and she was the type of person he would want to be with if he wasn't with me. That hurt a lot.

Ouch, sorry OP, thats really hurtful. How old are your kids?

Limerence is an addiction - that will be why he doesn’t want to give her up. It’s powerful and destructive - many people do leave their marriages over it on the premise that the grass is greener, the other person is perfect (except it’s an illusion as they’re not seen as a real person but a part fantasy version).

I’ve been a “limerent object” before - Im no longer in contact with the man concerned (deliberate choice) but I’m assured by mutual acquaintances that he’s never quite got over me. There was never anything between us.

Was she participating in the love screenshots or is it quite clear from the messages that it’s a one way thing like he says?

Really hurtful for him to say she’s the type of person he’d want to be with - that’s crossing a line that I’d find hard to come back from.

I wouldn’t come back from this and personally I wouldn’t try. At the point I’m having to rely on other women to prevent my husband’s having an affair I’m out.

@TheSillyBalonz you can’t live like this. He doesn’t need to cause drama at work or let her know the reason he wants low contact but he needs to put boundaries in place. He can ‘forget’ to respond to her message and only give answers that don’t require a response. Never message her first. Change departments /projects so he didn’t see her often. At a minimum he should be doing this. And he should be looking for another job in the long term.

His mind is actively taken up with someone who isn’t you. That leaves no space for your relationship. If things don’t change it will only get worse because you will resent him and your marriage will suffer.

I would be suggesting separation to snap him out of this fantasy. Tell him you are not happy and need time apart to consider your future together. He doesn’t get to have a made up fantasy life with her while you are waiting for him to have an affair if she ever realises she wants more than a bit of attention.

Take control. Your feelings matter too.

OP unfortunately I agree with this. We all get crushes now and again but it’s having the self control to not act on them or allow it to take over our mind that stops us from going down the limerance path. He doesn’t seem to want to exercise any self control and has shown complete disregard and disrespect to you by saying he would be with her, and refusing to reduce or stop contact.

He’s being very hurtful and selfish. Is he hoping you would give him permission to go off and see what she is like?

You need to know what you are willing to accept and lay your boundaries from there. An example would be you asking him to stop messaging her. He said ‘no’ - what’s the consequence here? Separation? You contacting the woman? Kicking him out? He does sound a bit obsessed with the feelings, like an addiction as previously mentioned. However, he has you and should never treat you this way. I’m sorry OP, sounds a horrid situation

I think the problem with this is that you're trying to control/force things you have zero control over. And it's understandably making you feel powerless.

I completely understand that this discovery has knocked you down. However, I think it's also important to stay with the reality of what's happened. Apart from the fact that he's developed feelings - which is completely out of his control - he hasn't acted on them whatsoever. (If he has, then the rest of my post becomes irrelevant, I just haven't read anything in your post to suggest that he has).
His dedication to you shouldn't be measured in terms of things he has no control over. His dedication to you can be seen in his actions and behaviour. Specifically that regardless of these feelings, he is actively choosing to prioritise your marriage. This is a choice made out of love and respect for you.

Respectfully, I think you're focussing on all the wrong things.
You want to not feel certain ways. You can't. Your feelings are there because they are valid. It's normal for you to feel this way when you find out your husband has feelings for someone else.
You want to be happy. Again, you can't force happiness. There is a very good reason why you aren't happy right now.
You want to be the only woman he has romantic feelings for. Again, I understand you do. But neither of you seem to have any control over that.

Maybe rather than fixating on all these things you can't control, you should ask yourself, now that you're in this situation, how do you want to approach this.
What behaviours do you expect of him (he can control how he acts, not how he feels)? What values do you want to see reflected in his actions? What do you need from him, behaviour-wise, to show you that he's prioritising you?

I can assure you, everyone could develop feelings for someone else. Yes, people are more susceptible when there are relationship troubles, but that's not a prerequisite. His feelings for the other woman don't reflect on his love for you. So rather than fixating on the feelings, look at the fact that despite these feelings, he's choosing you. And how hard that must be for him, but how willingly he's doing that because he doesn't want to lose you.

@Girlmom35 While I think a lot of what you said is helpful if she felt he was choosing her but she said she 100% believes he would have an affair with this woman if the colleague reciprocated his feelings. Presumably this is the way he has made her feel and isn’t willing to change his behaviour. Not a way to live.