Historic childhood abuse

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I'm hoping to get advice on how I can support my husband please.

He's always had a difficult relationship with his mother, but only recently has disclosed to me that she abused him physically and emotionally.

He is really struggling with his emotions regarding this right now. I think this is exacerbated by the fact we have a 4 year old child together and he's comparing our parenting of him to how he was parented.

He told me that he never used to think of himself as an abused child and that all children in the 80's were smacked etc.

However what she did went way beyond this. He was beaten. He would wet the bed and then be told he was dirty and disgusting and made to sleep on the lats of the bedframe still in wet pyjamas.

He was kicked out of home at 17 and homeless.

He told me he felt so abandoned and afraid,

He's a really good man. he does his best for us as a family and despite all he's been through is so kind, helpful and understanding towards everyone he cares about.

I want to know how best I can support him.

I've asked him to consider seeking counselling, which he is doing. He said he felt ready to address it all and try to move forward.

It's just he's so sad. I hate seeing him like that and sometimes I try to say things and try to help him, but am very aware that I'm no counsellor and I don't know the right things to do or say.

I've told him I'm there for him whatever and that I believe him and that I'm so sorry,

If anyone could help me in how to support him or what would be best for him that I can do, I'd really appreciate the advice.

He's helped me through so much and I want to be there for him.

You sound a wonderful, caring and loving partner to want to help him get through the PTSD that he’s clearly experiencing from historical cruelty and abuse. The initial step, to seek the correct type of therapy will be hard but start with the GP, if you can gently encourage him to make that very brave step forward. I believe that EMDR helps so much with moving forward from trauma.
I wish your family the absolute best ❤️xxx

He can contact NAPAC https://napac.org.uk/ they have a helpline and can help with therapy. Regarding therapy, he needs someone experienced and trained in childhood abuse. He can use BACP, make up a list and talk to the therapists. He might also find this helpful https://thebowlbycentre.org.uk/

Thank you! He’s really been there for me in the past when I’ve had difficult times that I’d have really struggled through without him.

I want to be there for him in the same way, but am very aware that the emotions surrounding this are complex and that he needs professional help.

I never even considered that he would have PTSD.

Im so glad you mentioned this as it really explains some of the ways he can behave I.e clamming up in certain situations, withdrawing into himself and struggling hugely when our son is crying.

Thank you. I’ll show this to him.

That's heartbreaking, OP.

Have a look at this (although I don't think the symptom list is particularly accurate):

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex/

The problem is actually getting that therapy on the NHS can be hard.

I'd be wary of "counselling", you want someone who is expert with childhood trauma.

Thank you.
Ive looked through this and really believe he’s suffering from PTSD.
He has frequent insomnia, he has days where he can’t concentrate, days where he won’t talk much and withdraws into himself.
He told me he’s never spoken about it to anyone and has held it inside for so long.
He used to self harm and when younger he abused alcohol.
He’s particularly struggling right now as over the years he’s remained in contact with his mother, but very limited.
He’s now struggling so much that he can’t talk to her.
She’s left him two voicemails on his phone which he hasn’t listened to and he says it’s making him feel sick.
We’ve discussed between ourselves that we will pay for him to have private counselling.
He’s worried about the cost, but I see it as an investment into all our futures.
He’s so broken right now and I don’t want him having a lengthy wait for the NHS.