[Warning: extremely petty!] My sister and I still reverting to teenage selves when we see each other - how to manage this?

[Fandango52]

I’m in my early thirties, and have a twin sister who I generally get on well with. The issue is we seem to go back to acting like teenagers - rather than adults - when we see each other and are annoyed at each other. I’m having some counselling at the moment to help with addressing this, among other things.

The latest example is my sister and I are spending a couple of days at our parents at the same time. I was looking for my phone charger today, and couldn’t find it. I then found out my sister had taken it and was using it.

In the grand scheme of things, I know this is absolutely not a big deal. The thing that frustrated me though was that she just felt able to take it without asking, which she has often done in the past - not only with things like chargers but with my clothes and shoes as well. I got annoyed and demanded it back a few times, telling her she couldn’t just take my things without asking and she had essentially stolen it, and I’d have given it to her if she had asked for it. It was not my finest hour and I’m not proud of it. She never seems to carry her phone charger anywhere and always uses mine. It makes me feel like I’m being taken for granted. I don’t know if anyone can relate.

She then called me a ‘piece of shit’ on text message and is not responding to me, and when our parents dropped her off at the station earlier so she could head back home, she said she didn’t want me to come with them to the station. I find that a bit petty but I can understand where she is coming from.

I’m wondering about how to manage this now. I feel like my sister is taking me for granted by taking my things as and when she can, when we’re staying in the same place, which annoys me and explains why I probably overreacted rather than letting it lie.

I’m not sure how to get back into contact with my sister - I was thinking of leaving it for a few days and then seeing if she gets into contact first. I’m also not sure about how to manage being under the same roof as her in future, as I really want to avoid this happening again. We don’t see our parents at the same time very often, apart from at Christmas. I still want to carry on seeing my parents at Christmas, of course, but am wondering how to negotiate that. Thanks all.

You totally over reacted. She borrowed your phone charger which you weren’t using and didn’t expressly ask your permission first and you accused her of stealing it and kicked off?

In my family, when people come and stay I want them to use my things like their own and it wouldn’t bother me at all if my sister used my phone charger without asking first provided she gave it back when I needed to charge my phone.

Maybe just think to yourself, what would I say if DC or DP or whoever did this exact thing and try to make sure you don’t treat your sister differently to those people. She is probably noticing that you’re much more hard on her and reacting to that.

A very important thing to remember is that you have spent 3 decades forming the relationship exactly as it is. That is a LOT of programming, pathways in your brain, default settings.

To unpick it, yes to counselling. But also, assertiveness training. Work out what battles are actually important and which are just you doing the ‘half a dozen of the other’. Communicate calmly and without emotion the few times it’s really important.

I agree, and your points all make lots of sense.

I shouldn’t have reacted in the way I did - I agree. I just wanted to show her she’d crossed a line - although I’m sure she knew that.

Is the only solution to just explain calmly that I don’t like what she’s doing each time she does it? I feel like that’s probably the only and best option, but I just feel fed up and tired that she treats me like this so often.

Thanks - this is very helpful to bear in mind. I think my reaction was probably prompted by ‘six of one, half a dozen of the other’. It wasn’t a big deal, but I just wanted to show her I wasn’t happy with what she was doing.

How would she respond if you just said “I don’t mind you borrowing my charger, but can you ask next time because I’ve been looking for it/needed to charge my own phone”?

I think either she wouldn’t respond or she would swear at me (ie. tell me to fuck off).

Do you think she enjoys the dynamic? On some level do you? I ask because it’s sometimes fun to roll around in the slime. Yes, you know it’s unhealthy and it leaves you mucky. But it feels good to do it at the time, just let loose and not act like an adult. If that is the case, it’s more difficult. If it’s not, you could just ask her permission, “sis, I’m sick of acting like a child around you. I’m sorry I swore and acted like that. Can we both try really hard to be different? Fancy a coffee and catch up and we can try to start again?” Or something.