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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I separate?

1 reply

Leeba36 · 22/07/2025 16:59

Hi. Is there anyone out there who could me my 'pen pal' and pm me if been through something similar. I've been with OH for 15 years. We have 3 kids, 10 and under. He's never been particularly affectionate or loving, and despite me almost pleading with him to be honest about his feelings or show me love if he really does love me, nothing changes. I can't remember when we last had sex. There is no emotional connection, no conversation that isn't just surface level waffle. He also doesn't manage our finances, it's all left to me. He hardly earns anything (self employed) and despite me raising this countless times, and him promising to turn things around he never does. He gets defensive if I bring any of this up. He doesn't get involved in making decisions about family activities, holidays etc, again all me. We can't even afford a holiday this year due to lack of funds. I have to manage all the house stuff like insurances, cars, mortgages etc etc. The only thing he does of his own back is the garden. There is loads more I can say, but I would love to have someone I can pm who may have been in similar position. I feel terribly depressed as I'm so lonely, and coupled with the financial insecurity and constant stress it gives me, I feel like I constantly have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have some great friends and a fantastic job. So these are great distractions. I just wish he would show me love and connection, and pull his weight financially. I just feel like I'm drifting further and further away from him. It upsets me deeply as he's the father of my kids, and feel so sorry for them. I often have dreams at night that I've met someone else and get that giddy newly in love feeling. Then I wake up and it was a dream. I'm not perfect, and I'm also at the menopausal age so aware I may be over thinking things. I don't know whether to leave or stay. I feel so bad for the kids if I leave. Also what if I've made a mistake? What if this is me not seeing things correctly? I'm so unhappy and just can't go on like this. Would any one be happy to chat with me on pm?

OP posts:
A0m0y · 22/07/2025 23:19

Hi there.

I can feel the sadness in your post.

I am 38 and have two children aged 7 and 5.

I have been with the kids dad for 15 years.

I also feel like we are drifting apart.

We both work full time and have very little time one on one.

Sex is minimal. That's my fault. I'm rarely bothered and that pushes us further apart.

I sometimes feel like we are becoming different people and aren't compatible any more. But then I also feel like he is the perfect person for me and that I just take him for granted..

I know that if we prioritise one another and make time for us, we will be okay.

Walking away from him and our life makes me sad. I would hate to split our family unit up. And not being able to see the kids every day and split that between us would be the worst part. I need to be able to see the kids every day. They are my whole world and reason for existence.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm fact, unfortunately I think the feelings you have described are very common.

However it does sound like you do everything in the relationship and that is not sustainable. I fear that there will be a point where you are at breaking point and it all comes to a head.

If you wish to chat more, my inbox is open and I'm hear to listen :)

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